I Procrastinated A Whole Lot But I Finished Mostly

Green Arrow walks up to Batman in a meeting one day and punches him in the face.

Batman; what was that for?

Green Arrow; pushing me off the swing in 3d grade when it was STILL MY FUCKING TURN!

Batman; that’s what you’re upset about?

Green Arrow; yeah.

Batman; I literally called your mom a wh*re cause she got eaten by lions in front of you.

Green Arrow; well… the swing thing sticks with me more so fuck you.

Green Arrow dramatically storms out of the room while the JL looks at Bats in shock meanwhile Canary is glaring at Batman and Flash fell over laughing.

Interviewer, catching Damian in costume: Robin! Can you explain the process of picking up Robin or passing on the mantle?

Damian, mildly annoyed at Bruce at the moment: It's quite simple. Batmam steals young children from their bed, usually nine or ten or so. Then he takes you to his lair and give you a deal.

Damian: If you can beat him in a game of your choosing, he will train you to be Robin. If you lose, you are eaten. I beat him in a classic fencing game. He's quite good with swords, but he wasn't very good with the sport itself.

Tim, standing next to him: Yeah, I beat him at a memory card game. I like totally cheated, but I'm too old for him to eat now, so ot doesn't matter.

Damian, nodding: Yes. The worst part of the job is disposing of failed Robins bones. He usually sucks them clean and leaves them all over the floor.

Tim: Yeah, its messy. But after you hit, like 15 he stops trying to eat you, so that's cool.

Damian: I have not yet reached 15. I'm still in danger. If you have more questions, ask Nightwing, as he was the first to avoid being eaten.

-

Same interviewer, at a different date: Mr. Nightwing. Is it true Batman tries to eat potential Robins?

Dick, who has no idea what she's taking about: Yeah, it's really scary. His jaw unhinges like a snake.

A (DC) rich people game show, but then they start going nuts.

You see, it's not unusual to have one of the infamous rich guys of the USA on TV, such as Oliver Queen and Bruce Wayne usually on talk shows to talk about their latest project, be it for good (donations) or bad (new LexCorp weapon, this one is for good I swear-).

But that's not the times people love seeing them, no, that's when they go on game shows. And finally, some producer gets the idea, "Why have only one, competing against other famous people like actors or singers, when they could compete against each other! What could possibly go wrong?".

A lot can go wrong. The show is a series of different games across the board, they all have to donate to charities to enter, but also know this is a great opportunity for getting good publicity. At first, it's just fun, games of them working together for a goal, with lots of "turns out the rich are eating each other!" jokes from Queen, comically bad attempts at leadership from Luthor, and Bruce Wayne being a passenger princess during the games "I bring the good luck".

That is until the following games are individual tasks, true competition...and then comes the cheating. Yes, Luthor started it but it also gets ridiculous.

They need to form a debate team, technically with their friends (free cameos for the show), Oliver and the rest of the participants understand that and bring in famous people, yes Oliver brings Black Canary that's his wife and best friend. And Luthor immediately calls on the best lawyers he has "You can't prove they aren't my friends also", which is a bit sad tbh.

Bruce knew he would do that. He is also a Gothamite with a sense of humour. Cable TV says hello to Harvey Dent, aka Twoface, because he is debating here now.

They enter a typical Steve Harvey style of questions, "Oh, you are bringing previous trivia night winners Luthor? that's smart...how did Wayne bring in the Riddler again? stop asking questions you say?"

They enter a mini survivors set, "Luthor brings in specialists from the military, can't say it doesn't make sense!... Mr Wayne, is that Poison Ivy? can he do that?"... and Oliver wins anyway (out of traumatic-experience experience), he brought Dinah again, he's a wife guy.

They enter a round of questions by journalists, points given by originality on evading questions, "So, we had to change our pick Clark Kent bc Luthor claimed it would be rigged, but thankfully Mr Wayne offered an alternative! welcome physicologist- Is that Harley Queen Mr Wyne- Bruce, can I call you Bruce? look me in the eyes and tell me how you are doing this Bruce"

"...Money?"

Harley rips them into psychological shreds, and a non-traumatized rich guy wins (DC equivalent of the Arizona Ice Tea CEO, they deserve it).

They enter rounds of questions about where they live, Luthor loses because he has no clue about the public transportation system in Metropolis, and Oliver acts dumb because he should not know half of the stuff he answers...Bruce gets stuck on the heroes of Gotham question, he is stressed, and he knows he'll be crucified if he forgest any of his vigilantes, and their associates, "Shut up Rick Redhood does count-".

Bruce Wayne forgets to count Batman, and he is saved by Oliver saying "They are bitter exes, let him not count the Bat!", he'll kill him later.

Luthor keeps cheating with professionals, Bruce keeps bringing in criminals, and Oliver wins because the final challenge is a popular vote, and the wife guy always wins.

there's just someone else for you to take care of

Cass: Can I have your burger.

Dick:??? No I'm eating it. You have your own right there.

Cass: Remember when you abandoned me to Slade when I was drugged and mind controlled and then after I got free the first thing you did was punch me in the face.

Dick, sliding his burger over: You KNOW it's more complicated than that. You know it.

Tim, watching this all go down: Hey Jason remember when you broke into Titans tower just to beat me up?

Jason, taking a large bite of his own burger: Keep annoying me and this time I'll do more than just leave you unconscious.

Tim: :/

Cass, whispering to him: You gotta go for the ones with guilt complexes. It doesn't work otherwise.

Tim: Gotcha, good to know.

Cass:... Soo remember when I was drugged and brainwashed and you did nothing but accept it for months?

Tim, grumbling and sliding his own burger over to her: I never accepted it! That's just not true!

Cass, now eating three burgers at once: :)

cain and bruce and cass are sooo interesting to me... long rambles (with comic panel receipts!) under the cut (also batgirl 2000 spoilers)

Cain had tried many times before to make The One Who Is All, but Cassandra is special in a way the others weren't because she worked. She didn't defy instructions, she was amazing at combat, she didn't go insane, she was perfect. And David grew to love her in a way he hadn't loved the others, even though he hurt her, because it was the price he had to pay to get his little girl perfect. Yes he shot her, but it was to keep her on her toes, and she had to be that to be perfect - it’s the price he has to pay. He rarely touched her, because it was a price he had to pay, but in the times that he did, he cuddled with her on the rooftop and pointed to the stars. He couldn't talk to her, because it was a price he had to pay, but he could make their own little language and keep her progress on tapes.

And when the time came for her first real foray into being The One Who is All, he dresses her up in a frilly pink dress and pigtails.

And she runs away and David doesn't know what to do. The first kill is always hard, he made her do it too soon, too young, she wasn’t ready, he knows it’s his fault.

And then, years later, when his baby girl is almost an adult (but really he'll always see her as that little girl with pigtails and a bloody pink dress on), he meets her again and she yells at him to stop.

And he cries, because it was the price he had to pay, but his daughter can understand him now, fully, and she's using it to ask him to stop, so how can he say no to that? Now they're dangling over an edge and he's pleading for her to hold on but she can't, she won't, and she survives anyway like she always will but she survives in a cape and ears and a bat across her chest.

David thought that Bruce was perfect when they were training, but he wasn't. He wouldn't kill. But maybe he can be good enough for David's perfect little girl anyway because she won’t either, and god knows David isn't perfect. So he concocts a test, and tries his damndest to keep those tapes of his daughter because that's all he has left of her.

David loves Cass with all of his heart, but his heart isn't big enough to fit things like hugs and speaking and care. The biggest problem is that he sees her as a weapon first, no matter what.

Bruce isn't like that. Cassandra isn't a weapon— she's a bat, of course, she’s perfect for it! And to be the bat, yeah, you have to make sacrifices sometimes. Keeping your identity a secret is much easier when you have no (legal, public) identity to speak of, and he doesn’t understand when Barbara insists on frivolous things like vacations, identities, names, and peace. Why call the girl Cass when she can simply be Batgirl?

If Bruce had a choice, he would just be the bat. And so this girl who is just like him— better, even! Well, of course she’d agree. Yes, she’s young, she’s just seventeen, but… come on. You can barely say a perfect soldier like her is a kid, still. And it’s tragic that Cain made her like this, made her like them, but… it happened. She is like this. So why wouldn’t he help her use it for good? 

He never had to teach Batgirl, this girl who is just like him, about the value of life. Her hits are perfect and measured, to knock them out and nothing more. The first thing he noticed about her was her willingness to die and insistence that no one else does, and he encourages these things. 

And her death wish is ineffective and annoying and dangerous, but it’s inescapable and she doesn’t let it affect her missions anymore.

Batman asks Batgirl if the dozens of lives saved because of what she did is enough. She says no, and he says good. 

When Batgirl loses some of her skills, she runs at an armed man and gets shot 4 times (one in each thigh, one through her shoulder, one in her stomach). But she survives anyway, like she always will, and when she wakes up Batman asked why she did it. She responds instinct. He says, “Good.”

Then he finds out about her upcoming fight with Shiva. Batgirl knows that she will lose. This is not a competition or arrogance for her— this is suicide. She needs to move past this death wish and… well. She might not move… past it, per se, but she will be rid of it, and perhaps the world will become of rid of her. But it’s necessary. So he lets her leave, because he knows she needs to do this. At least she will die with honor.

Later, when she survives even after dying, because she always survives, Batman needs to do something. Something dangerous and reckless and, maybe, a bit suicidal. Batgirl wants to help but he just says “I let you fight Shiva because it was something you had to do for yourself. Don’t say thank you. Return the favor.” 

The tragedy of Batman and Batgirl is unlike the tragedy of David Cain and The One Who Is All, where she is only an assassin to her father— not even that, just a killing weapon. It’s unlike the tragedy of Cassandra and Sandra, where she is just a pawn for her mother’s suicide. And it is especially unlike the tragedy of Babs and Cassie, where she is seen by her mom as so much less than she is, as something that she can never be— regular. Normal. Innocent.

No, the tragedy of Batman and Batgirl is that her dad sees Cassandra as, yes, eventually a daughter, certainly a soldier, but most of all, an extension of himself. And he does not treat himself very well, or with much caution, or with any gentleness.

Bruce, introducing his kids at a family Interview: This is my eldest Dick, my second eldest Cassandra, then my son Jason, my second youngest Tim, and my youngest Damian

Bruce: That's my daughter-in-law Barbara, and my other daughter-in-law, Stephanie

Tim: ??? Steph and I broke up forever ago?? How is she your daughter-in-Law?

Stephanie: I may not be dating any of you anymore but I'm the State of daughter-in-law. Daughter-in-law is not a family title, it's the friends you make along the way

Jason: I'm not high enough for this shit

Golden boy Dick Grayson: Me fucking neither

Jason: what

Dick: what

Bruce: ??? What do you mean she's not my daughter-in-law anymore?? I was counting on her marrying into the family :C

Steph: Sorry B, unfortunately your son would rather kiss superbitch than me

Dick: TIM IS KISSING WHO NOW

Bruce: >:( We'll talk about that later, right now-

Tim: I don't think that's necess-

Bruce: We'll talk about that later. Right now can't any of you date her?? Jaylad, you're sin-

Steph: HELL NO

Jason, already on his second blunt: You're so funny, old man. I'm literally co parenting my best friends kid. I'm literallyyyy be gay do crime. Haha.

Dick: YOURE WHAT WITH WHO NOW

Bruce: CAN ANY OF YOU JUST DATE HER

Cass, slowly raising her hand like in Hunger Games: I volunteer

Bruce: ...

Tim: ...

Dick: ...

Bruce: This is why you're my favorite daughter 🥹

Cass: Father, I'm your only daughter

Tim: Untrue. I did drag one time, that has to count

Steph: Does this mean I have a girlfriend

Damian: This family is a disgrace

Interviewer: ...

(TRIGGER WARNING FOR SA, KIDNAPPING, AND UNALIVING YOURSELF)

Okay I loved Circe but HATED how they made Odysseus out as some kind of villain and not a victim.

Sure, he did terrible things, but it was all to get back to his family. He technically ‘cheated’ but if he didn’t then he would have probably been killed.

I’ve only read Circe and watched Epic so far, I’m reading the Greek Odyssey tomorrow when it comes, but in Epic he doesn’t cheat.

I haven’t read that part of Circe in a while because I took a break, but I’m pretty sure she made him sleep with her, not outright forcefully but it was heavily implied he and his men would die if he didn’t (if I remember correctly). She was way more powerful than him and the roots could only hold up against her for so long, he barely had a choice, so it was technically consensual, but it was still barely his choice.

Calypso trapped him on her island for seven years, I heard he cried for his family every night, and in Epic (maybe also the Odyssey) he wanted to unalive himself. It was also very similar to Circe, where she was much more powerful than him, and this time he had no help or defense, even if for a limited time, it came only when he escaped. He had no where to go, a goddess who was in love with him and had never seen another living person before, he was defenseless. I don’t know if that was technically consensual or if she forced him but he still had little to no choice if he did say yes.

Many forget he is a victim because he is a man or haven’t read the Odyssey, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, he may have done horrible things but for a reason, for many people who do those things don’t have.

I agree he probably changed and was more guarded/on edge, but from what I’ve seen and read, I don’t think he would call his son a traitor. He loves his wife, and talks about her more in Epic, but he still longs to know him. I don’t think what Telemachus did would make him not want to form a relationship and try to know him. Because that is his son who he’s longed to know for 20 years, I think only strong evidence that he was a traitor would make him act that way at all.

I also didn’t like how Penelope told Circe the act to try and get out of war was fake. Sure, he is a genius, a master manipulator, even left his bow behind when he is a great archer to become the Best of the Greeks. He cares about his title and legacy. But he spent 10 years trying to get back to his wife and son.

In Epic he sacrificed his friend’s lives, he turned into the monster he feared he would become, he even made Poseidon call him a monster.

He could have spent the rest of his life with Calypso in ‘paradise’ but he was miserable there, wanting to see his family, wanting to be with his people.

Anyways, I thought most parts of the book were great, I may be a little bit biased because I love Odysseus and can’t wait for my Greek Odyssey to come, but I think I made some strong arguments.

Thanks if you made it this far. Also, is the Song of Achilles worth it if I like Odysseus this much but people say he’s not a good person in it? Please comment your thoughts!

There's a serious comparison to be made between how Barbara fails as a teacher for Cass and how Cass fails as a teacher for Stephanie. Barbara's brain is biological supercomputer with an eidetic memory which can learn a new language in like five minutes. Cassandra is likewise superhumanly talented at fighting.

In both cases these aren't just learned skills to them. Cassandra's fists and Barbara's mind are core to their identities. They're the things that make them heroes, that give them agency, that make them matter, it's who they are. The reason they have no patience for teaching these skills to others is they're incapable of contextualizing a world without them.

Barbara can't teach Cass because the prospect of a life without language is simply inconceivable to her. Likewise, Cassandra can't teach Stephanie because she has no context at all for what learning to fight must be like for other people without her natural affinity. Their respective talents are so core to their being that people who can't do what comes easily to them must simply not be trying hard enough.

Ironically it's one of the very few ways in which they're actually extremely alike.

I think Oliver Queen would find out Batman's secret identity mostly through vibes...

When he was ten, his parents tried to get him to strike up a friendship with Bruce Wayne because it can’t ever hurt to know the richest man in the country but Bruce is just so fucking weird and morbid. He drags Ollie into his room and starts showing him his anatomy books and taxidermy and has he seen Taxi Driver? Because Travis Bickle inspired a real attempted assassination. But also maybe he had a point? And then Bruce is taking down his books on the Zodiac Killer and explaining how he thinks he’s cracked the cipher. And Ollie is just scared out of his mind. He thinks Bruce is going to vivisect him or something.

At the end of the night, he tells his parents that he spent the whole time with Bruce but he was actually hiding under a table somewhere for like two hours.

Then after that he tries to avoid Bruce at all times. Which isn’t hard because they’re ten and they live on opposite sides of the country. Until Oliver gets an invitation to Bruce Wayne’s 18th birthday party which is supposed to be a very big, very expensive bash. He doesn’t want to go because it might turn out to be weird but all his friends are going so he goes anyway.

… And it turns about to be pretty cool. (It’s a very big, expensive party with a lot of really drunk, really rich teenagers but it’s cool by Oliver’s standards) But no one actually seems to see Bruce there. He doesn’t make a speech, they don’t get him a cake or sing happy birthday, he doesn’t take over for the DJ, nothing. There are no pictures of him anywhere. Nobody gets any pictures of him. No one says they saw him. It’s like he wasn’t even there. 

But everyone insists that Oliver must be wrong. Who would throw a party and then never show up? Creepy Bruce Wayne, that’s who.

For the next several years, Bruce is supposedly out of the country doing an indulgent world tour. Hotels get booked out for him but they can’t say if he actually check in. People claim to have seen him but they don’t have any proof. It’s always so-and-so told so-and-so that they saw him here. He’s kind of like this fun cryptid. The richest man in the world is somewhere in the world. The late night shows do a spoof of Carmen Sandiego about it.

But every year, Bruce supposedly shows up to his birthday bash except Oliver goes every year and never sees him. There’s photos that circulate around but Oliver’s met Bruce and these are just some random other dark haired guys. He puts together that every year the crowd unknowingly selects some random dude to be that year’s Bruce Wayne, sometimes there’s two or three or four.

One year Oliver even dyes his hair and he gets to be Bruce Wayne for the day. 

It’s fun. But the real Bruce? He’s up to something. 

When Oliver comes back from his sojourn on an island and is deciding to clean up his act and maybe start dressing up in green and shooting people with arrows, he finds out that Bruce is back in Gotham. He’s gone from a guy who nobody knew what he looked like to one of the most recognizable faces.

Every week the gossip rags have a new crazy Bruce Wayne headline. 

“Bruce Wayne accidentally schedules two dates with two models at the same time, at the same restaurant. Models proceed to fight over him and wreck the restaurant, forcing Wayne to buy it.” There’s a viral video and everything. Except it’s not hard for Oliver to find out that the “models” are actually amateaur professional wrestlers.

“Bruce Wayne trips and knocks ice sculpture onto newly elected Gotham mayor.” Nobody bothers to mention that getting absolutely clobbered by an ice sculpture is what saved the mayor from being shot by a political rival.

“Bruce Wayne lets child ward drive his car. Kid accidentally puts car in reverse instead of drive and backs into and wrecks Lex Luthor’s custom McLaren.” That one just seems intentional. The kid even looks behind him as he’s backing up.

Sure people change over the course of 18 years, Oliver has certainly changed but he just can’t square this absolute buffoon with the kid who bragged about how he was already studying calculus. And it’s just so calculated. Just like the parties, it’s like a facade of being a rich playboy, not the real thing. Oliver knows the real thing. He’s been the real thing.

Then he walks into a meeting of the new, as yet unnamed, coalition of heroes and meets Batman for the first time. The familiar wave of hibbie-jibbies runs up his spine but he’s not a kid anymore so he just smirks.

“So do you still think Travis Bickle was kind of right?”