lixheng

Latest Posts by lixheng

Please draw FlutterTwi

Flying together.. as a date maybe?

I'm trying to remember that I don't hate my friends, to remind myself that I am just hurt.

I am not wanting them to actually suffer, I just want them to know what it feels like to be ignored.

I am doing my best to acknowledge that I do not want to see them dead, that I just want them to stay and hug me.

I try to know that I am not a terrible person, while screaming at myself that I am.

i feel like a doll sitting on a shelf waiting until someone wants to play with me in order to feel alive again

Having bpd to me is like I'm the loneliest person on the planet, no matter how many people I talk to, no matter how many connections I make or have, I'm a lonely void who will die alone. I have to be talking to someone or with someone every second of every minute of every day. I love people so much, I need people. There's so many people out there with different things to teach you. And then, if I have to talk to one person for more than 6 seconds today, I'll kill them. I'll kill myself. I need to be left alone for the rest of the day, I need no one but myself to be happy. I don't want to partake in anything with anyone because it's all draining and taking out of my alone time. Everyone is the same, they're all boring and self-absorbed. Every conversation feels like I'm forcing myself to be actively present. I just want to be alone in my room with nothing or no one. I don't see a future where I'm happy with anyone other than being by myself.

Little pony princesses 💗

having online friends who are busy is just like. I LOVE YOU. I miss you. YOU GOT THIS. I'm giving you space to work. I LOVE YOU.

about a cofront today

system protip: if trying to keep track of your switches and fragments feels impossible and is driving you crazy, stop doing it. or at the very least dont put as much weight into making it perfect. you dont need to track every switch, you dont need every fragment logged. sometimes its easier to just exist as a system than drive yourself up the wall trying to micromanage everything about your complex disorder

WYD WHEN MY GANG PULL UP !!!

NOT supportive to your system friends:

- "can you make [alter] front?"

- always asking who's fronting

- getting upset when they can't remember something

VERY supportive to your system friends:

- giving them money

- "here's $50 for you"

- relinquishing your money to them

- offering them money

are you up for a joyride~? 😼

found this pic while doomscrolling and suddenly i see sylus 😭☝️

You are not a fake system because you can't hear your alters, most of us can't! Most people with DID have very limited communication between alters in general.

You are not a fake system because you don't know your headcount, or you don't know your alters names. That can take years! For some people, they need a long time in treatment to even get that ball rolling.

You are not a fake system because you don't know what other alters are doing. You don't need to know who dressed you this morning or who bought the food you're allergic to, high amnesia is normal.

Don't feel like any less of a system because of expectations set by the internet. You don't need to present the same way as people on the internet. The presentation of DID on the internet can be pretty atypical, so don't spend your time comparing.

It’s him

Rafayel is really only nice to MC. I know this has been said before but the more I think about it, the more it messes with me. He’s seen as bratty and whiny but he’s literally ONLY that way with MC

You’re the only person he feels secure enough around to be like that with. The only person he holds close enough to be sweet and gentle to. In this world of people bastardizing and monetizing his culture, you are the exception. The only human worth his time, his effort, his gentleness.

He’s playful because he loves to play with you. Indulging in that sappy part of his heart that never got to be a child. Teasing you to see your pouty face but knowing it’ll never scare you away. That’s something all the money in the world can’t buy. Loyalty. Your loyalty to him is valuable beyond measure. Beyond reckoning,

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Artist credits @fluffystarrie

Who would’ve guessed our colonel is a memelord

We part and meet, again and again - heavy hearts with little laid bare. The weight in my chest is hard to name, while your doubts fill the air. In this fleeting moment, freedom's wings are bound. And that moment has long since vanished, never to be found. Like lightning that strikes and is gone in a breath. Like fine snow falling to a river, meeting its death. Like light pouring over the tide, only to be swallowed where shadows hide. How can I witness and hold such beauty once more…? If I were to bury my heart within your sweet lips.

Justice for our homegirl and her suffering

Credits artist @moririforever

...

no text, just vibes

Credits artist @sakon in X

i always forget that tags are important but i really. couldnt care less about this app. just show me content i like and ill rant about it and other things. this is my personal diary on the internet and i will treat it as such

thinking about sylus “it may not look like it but i am very good at taking care of people”

taking in the twins after they tried killing him, training them, providing them with a home, status, power

constantly updating mephisto, giving him upgrades and cleanings, giving him a perch in his room, sitting down and talking to him like he would a real pet

and then theres you- making sure you arent drowning in work, not alone handling wanderers, indulging you when you want a fight, coming out to festivals and photobooth dates, buying you the plushies you cant get from the clawmachine, making sure youre ok during the time of the month, always intertwining your fingers together when you hold hands, keeping you safe in the n109, buying jewelry, inviting you to galas and auctions, always having your back when you need him o my sweet loverboy

as she should 😤😤😤

the supposed "rivals" ...and rafayel lol

POV. MC remembered everything. 🥹

Happy birthday zayne 🎂

kitty zayne :D

Made by @deludedfools on January 7th, 2024.

Requested by @lixheng.

i've been out of a toxic relationship for about two or three years now, and i still find myself craving for that validation that he would give me. i still find myself craving *his* attention because i had spent almost a year in that environment and have had nothing to fill the void. i can't imagine the amount of damage he would've caused if i had stayed.

there's an epidemic of attention seekers and it's been villanized to the point someone can very blatantly cry for help and it'll be pushed to the side that "they're just an annoying attention seeker, don't fuel their delusion"

but this behavior typically is from traumatized people who have been victims!!! let me break down how attention seeking behavior ties back to being abused for you to understand.

first your abuser makes you nothing, your self worth is zero and you are completely worthless. then bit by bit, your self worth is drip fed back to you ONLY this time it comes with a clause. your self worth now belongs to that abuser, so the moment you leave and escape? you become nothing all over again. it's like an addiction really, feeling worth something after feeling worthless for so long. and the cycle just repeats over and over, it's easy for abusers to take those who already view themselves as nothing under their wing - and for the victim? the pattern continues again and again until it is etched into their brain that the only way to make them feel worth something is to be abused.

so what happens when someone gets out of abuse and doesn't find another abuser? well that's where the attention seeking behavior comes in. they are free but they feel lost, and attention is the only thing that comes close to the feeling they had back when they were being abused.

so can we stop viewing attention seeking behavior as an inherently negative trait and start realizing it may be signs of something more going on beyond the surface? people don't do things for no reason and especially regarding syscourse issues, some people REALLY need to have more compassion.