Hey, It's Okay To Grieve For The Person You Were, The Person You Could Be Right Now. It's Okay To Be

As a girl or woman, raise yourself to be an intellectual. Raise yourself to be a reader, a traveller, a curious explorer. Raise girls who are independent livers and thinkers, who are critical of standard narratives and status quos and societal and religious dogma. Girls and women will never benefit from being naïve, stuck in one place, unaware, ignorant, out of options, close minded etc besides deriving from these states a false sense of safety, but the patriarchy reaps massive profits from afflicting these conditions.

shoutout to every neurodivergent adult who has never been on a date and grew up with very few friends, believing over time that a lack of a social circle meant they must be fundamentally broken and unloveable as they watched everyone else hit social milestones like partying and dating before them

you’re still cool and lovable and a legit adult even if you’re “behind” by NT standards

gatekeeping how hot i am by never taking pics

no matter where you're at in your life, there's always time for things to improve. even if you feel lost, stuck or left behind, you have the time to build a life you want. you may not get back the years you've lost, but you will have many years to live contentedly. there is more than this darkness & you have the time to see what else there is, in whatever form that is for you. simply put, life is not meant to be this hard. things will get easier, softer, brighter.

you got this.

I can behave normally around books

You will meet people who will teach you love in its safest and purest form.

Dear reader,

The reason I started this blog is because I wanted to document my journey throughout medschool.The past two years in medical school have been a little difficult both in my academic and social life.

This is the truth that no one tells you about medical school.

It is not all about the aesthetic, it is not all about the title you get after graduation and it is not definietly about neglecting yourself for your education. It is a very slow, tortuous and laborious path that will examine every ounce of stregnth you have. It will push you to the breaking point and pull you back. It is a very long path that will test your mental and physical strength. I have 4 years left, as the total is seven years of study. This drains your hope of reaching your goals. As the years get longer, the obstacles you face also multiply. From peer pressure to pressure from the senior doctors, you will start questioning your decesion making skills. You will feel as if eveything you say is wrong and that you know nothing. You will feel as if you are wasting your years without amounting to nothing.

During my first two years of study, I have made decesions that have led to the deterioration of my mental and physical health. Although I haven't been clinically diagnosed, there are certain symptoms and signs that don't need a medical degree to notice. These unfavourable conditions have had negative effects on my physical health as well resulting in me over eating to cope with the stress that was prevealent in my life. The weight gain that resulted from that has led to a disorted body image where I couldn't see my self as attractive or desirable although that was far from the truth. My self confidence plummeted because I compared myself to other people, I couldn't form healthy boundaries because I felt that I would be abandoned by people if I had restrictions, I became insecure in my apperance and my clothing style which made me waste a lot of money on clothing and accessories because I wanted to fit in and I would have manic and depressive episodes which affected my sleeping pattern, apetite and memory.

I would think all this was hard on me because I was weak and undeserving of the opportunity I had. This gradually led to the development of imposter syndrome where I felt as if I wasn't enough, as if I didn't have the abilities required to be a medical student. I felt inferior to the other student with their studying and good grades. In order to escape this, I would go out to hang out with people who had questionable characters and never had second thoughts about manipulating me to get what they want. My first and half of second year of medical school went like this.

A new change started in my life when we had a minor course on the half of second year, which didn't require attendance. I stayed in my dormitory for the whole two months not even going to go out for meals. I entered a period of self reflection where I thought about the past choices I made and their effects on my present life. After an agonizing and meditative period, I did a lot of shadowwork on myself and defined my problems and their solutions. By the time the course was over, I was already adapted to my new mindset. This solved my social and personal problems and only the academical problems remained.

I didn't know how to study. That was the truth. I was a gifted overachiever in my highschool years. I didn't need to have long and intensive study sessions to understand the materials. Hence, I had no clue on how to do structured studying sessions. I reserached studying methods and tried them out sacrificing my grades in the process. I am still experimenting but I am confident that I am doing better than before.

I also decided to be open to the relationship aspect. Before, I didn't feel as if men were to be trusted and only had physical attachments that didn't pass the kissing stage. Currently, I have a boyfriend that is caring, academically gifted and amazing. Although he will be leaving after 6 months as he is in his internship year of medical school, I consider this a good experience in the dating department and I hope our relationship continues outside medical school.

I have also refined my social circle. I am only friends with people that have a healthy perception of what friendship is. I enjoy their company and do not feel like an outsider or feel awkward with them.

My advice is to remember who you are, to be yourself and to know your principles and routines. These have helped me on my journey to a better medical school life.

Join me on my journey through medical school. 😊

I have a lot of creative energy, yet I sit mindlessly scrolling through lobotomizing Instagram reels and TikToks. I've thought countless times about what to do about my restlessness, but I stay stagnant. I want to make something personal and honest with all of my favorite things. I worry if what I make will be enough for me, I doubt myself a lot but my contentment is getting harder to come by and I think I just need to do it

Healthier body.

Healthier skin.

Healthier hair.

Healthier mindset.

Healthier relationships.

Healthier friendships.

Healthier routines.

Healthier habits.

Healthier life.

Think of your brain as a computer. You have the power to program whatever the f*ck you want into your subconscious and watch it manifest in your day-to-day life.