Help A Family In Need

being paranoid is funny bc like well what if i'm right

My Satellite Investor Headcanons:

The Satellites have like, a sibling relationship to each other. They've known each other since childhood, but whether or not they grew up in the same household is something that they themselves keep ambiguous. Even in my more-serious-than-canon interpretations of them, they have this goofy evil henchmen vibe, and are very prone to bickering amongst themselves.

Although there's no serious animosity between them, the Investors can get a bit rough with each other, and have all been seriously injured by another Satellite before (and have gotten yelled at by Cosmo for doing this to each other). However, when they actually get their heads on straight and work together, they're a force to be reckoned with.

In my headcanon, skelecogs can't thermo-regulate the way other cogs can, and the Satellite Investors specifically are adapted to run best at lower temperatures. A reasonably sunny day could probably take them out.

Okay, onto each specific Investor:

Charon:

This guy's the oldest of the five, and is quite protective over his younger siblings. He's the one who's in charge whenever Cosmo isn't around, and is usually the one playing mediator in the Satellites' arguments. He's "the braincell" of the group, and (one of) the most charismatic, but his ego often gets in the way of both his intelligence and his charm. The man is a risk-taker, who tends to overestimate himself.

Charon feels more secure in his position than he probably should, and will often take the blame when his siblings do something to piss off the boss. He actually tends to butt heads with Cosmo, and won't hesitate in telling him when he disagrees with something he says. (Cosmo doesn't like this, but recognizes the utility in having an underling who will point it out if he messes up.)

Also, Charon has strabismus; he can't see very well out of his bad eye. He used to be insecure about it, but now, he actually treasures it as one of his unique features.

Hydra:

This is the type of guy who looks chill, in the single second before he opens his mouth and says the meanest shit you've ever heard. He's the second oldest, and is the type of brother who told his younger siblings really stupid things that they went on believing for years. He's argumentative, but unlike Charon, who genuinely thinks he's always usually right, Hydra does it just to get a rise out of people.

He'll be respectful towards Cosmo, but anybody else with any power over him is not necessarily safe from his aggression. (He does have some sense of self preservation). Hydra often insults the other Satellites in an attempt to encourage them to do better.

He always seems to be getting into Situations™️. Some of these involve other people, since he does have a bit of a "target on his back" but a lot of times it's just bad luck. Elevators love to get stuck while he's inside them.

Hydra has a tendency to chew on things; this is one of the reasons why he wears a bowtie, because he wouldn't be able to keep a necktie out of his mouth.

Kerberos:

This dude seems intimidating, but he's more bark than bite. I'm honestly torn as to whether it or Nix is older, and I'm tempted to say that they're the same age. Kerberos tends not to speak more than he needs to, and one of his favorite activities is to wordlessly pick up and carry his siblings in its arms. (In fact, Styx can often be found riding his shoulders).

He's just as prone to roughhousing as the other Satellites are, and while it actually tries not to seriously injure them, Kerberos tends to forget that throwing its siblings through windows is a bad idea. (And then he'll sweep up the broken glass with an sad look on his face).

He's an actions over words type of man, and while he never verbally apologizes for any transgressions against the rest of the Family, it will make up for them. Conversely, Kerberos expects any slights against him to be made up for, and if payback isn't given, he'll find a way to take it.

I like to imagine Kerberos being a little larger than he is in canon, just for fun. He has a pet dog, literally a normal-ass dog, that nobody knows where it came from.

Nix:

You may have noticed that I've never referred to the Investors as "brothers", only as "siblings". This is because Nix is a woman to me. She's the most independent of the five, and is the most likely to be off doing her own thing while the others are hanging out.

She likes to keep a bludgeoning instrument on her person, and is probably the most violent Satellite. Much like Kerberos, she'll retaliate when she feels she or the Family's been wronged, but she won't even give you a chance to make it up on your own terms. Nix is impulsive, and has a bit of an obnoxious side.

She's a secretive person, who doesn't really like talking about herself. Though the Satellites are very close, she doesn't trust her siblings the way the rest of them trust each other, and is a rather emotionally isolated person. Nix often speaks in rambling anecdotes, and she and Hydra both love telling embarrassing stories about their siblings.

Nix walks unusually quietly, especially for a cog, and will often use this to scare people, or to jump out from the shadows and bash someone's head in.

Styx:

The youngest of the Satellites. Styx likes to act like he's just an innocent little fella, but he's vicious. He'll make you think he's your friend, and then he'll stab you in the back and throw you under the bus. He's the most playful among the Satellites, but his games are often pretty cruel. Being around his siblings really brings out his childish side, and they all regard him as an "ankle-biter."

Many cogs find his natural demeanor uncanny, but he can turn down the weirdness if need be. Styx is a very powerful networker, who knows how to tell people what they want to hear. He's not ashamed to be a suck-up, if it'll get him what he wants.

Of the Family, he's the one who can most often be found working in the Pizzeria itself, hence why it's in his name. While it started as just some busywork assigned to the young and inexperienced guy, he's grown quite skilled and passionate about cooking. (If you break spaghetti in his vicinity, he will find you.) Also, he's great at turning on the Customer Service Mode.

Styx' body is built rather uniquely, in that he can very easily be taken apart and put back together. This makes him weaker, but also better able to bounce back from injury. (It's kinda like a cartoon skeleton who's always falling apart and reassembling himself). He's always missing a couple fingers, and Nix loves stealing his limbs and using them as weapons. There's usually a few spots of rust on him.

(psst, this took a couple hours of my life to write! if you think my opinions on characters are cool, you should consider reblogging !)

GameKnight999 on the dash

could we get some spruce? hes Such a character and needs a whole lotta love

I love Spruce! He and Chip have known each other for so long, and count each other like brothers. Spruce misses their old cabin that they built together,,

Lesbians at the corporate dinner, what are they waiting for??

day 41

dont worry it`s just new anesthesia method

hello tumblr, have some robot yuri