…and I Am Out With Lanterns, Looking For Myself.

“ you are not gonna believe who’s in vegas, ” jaxon said suddenly as he lowered himself into the driver seat of their patrol car. with coffee in hand for both of them, jaxon settled in, making sure he had everything he needed to start the shift. it was always easier, at the beginning. in fact, he usually enjoyed the first few hours of a shift. when they both had more energy, more willingness. the strain of the job hadn’t yet set in.  “ i saw you had yer daughter last night. so i got you an extra espresso shot t’day. ”

@punsandgun

“ i think i’m havin’ a crisis, becks, ” jaxon said with no preface or greeting as he sat across from her in their favorite diner. they had lunch here a couple times a week, when their shifts lined up. the furrow in jaxon’s brow made it obvious something was bothering him. “ oh, by th’ way, how’s yer bother doin’? haven’t seen him around. ”

@rcbeccxs

tylerbeyond:

“nope!” tyler said in a faux-cheery tone. “he never even cared to know me. honestly, i don’t remember much of him before we moved in. maybe i do but all shit that came after just blocks it out.” he shrugged, carelessly. it didn’t matter now. tyler never had to see his grandfather unless he really wanted to. laughing, he stuck his tongue out at jaxon. “fuck you man, no party is actually a party until i show up. oscars after party? not a real party until i show up.” wicked smirk on his face, he added, “it’s gonna be fuckin lit.”

“ yeah, i know that feelin’. i worshiped my dad as a kid. but after... everything with him went down. now he can get real fucked, ” jax replied, nodding in agreement with tyler’s sentiment. he hadn’t seen his father since he’d made sure the man went to jail. and had no plans to ever see him again. but jaxon didn’t dwell. instead he laughed at tyler’s little scowl.  “ oh yeah? damn, there are... so many parties that are real fuckin’ disappointed. ‘cause the great party god, tyler beyond never showed up to bless them party-hood, ” he shot back, a mirrored smirk.  “ c’mon, party god. i’m thirsty. ”

✉ |:

To: Jonathan Daniel Winchesterc/o Charlotte Sawyer. 

[ separately enclosed ] : 

Auntie— If I don’t come home, can you make sure this letter gets to Jonny? I’m not sure where he lives now, but I’m sure you could find him on facebook or something. Thank you. I love you. 

Dear Jonny. 

I know this is too many years too late, and this definitely is the worst way to find out about… all of this. So I’m sorry for this, first of all. Anyways… 

If you’re reading this letter (fuck, how cliche) … I didn’t come home from my deployment. And not like, I ran away to France kind of didn’t come home. Like, never coming home. I don’t know if you even know I joined the Marines after I stopped fighting. But I did. Off to serve my country. So, if you’re reading this, I died for my country. 

And now, writing this, days before my first tour, I know that it’s a real possibility. So I’m putting certain things in place. My will, letters to the girls, and my mama, and auntie. Stuff like that. And a letter to you. Because I’ve been selfish and stupid enough with you in my life. I can’t be selfish and stupid in my death too. If I die before I ever get to see you again and tell you this shit in person, I want you to know some things. 

I’m sorry, Jay. I’m so fucking sorry. I was such a fucking asshole back then. I was possessive, and jealous, and over-protective. And I pushed you away. I made things miserable between us, because I couldn’t fucking handle my shit, and my feelings. It’s been two years, and I swear to god I think about you and us at least once a day. There’s always something that reminds me of you, or reminds me of how stupid I’ve been. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger, or more rational, or more patient, or more kind. I’m sorry I wasn’t better. I need you to know that what happened between us is the biggest regret of my life. Hurting you is the worst thing I’ve ever done. And at the point that you’re reading this, I’ve probably killed at least one person. I’d still regret hurting you and losing you more. 

The truth is that… I love you. Not just “I love you, man” kind of love. I’m in love with you. Yeah, present tense. I have been for so fucking long. I think I first realized how I felt about you…. 6 months after we met. I think even during that time I was in denial, because I didn’t know how to reconcile the fact that you were a guy. But it didn’t matter. I was confused, and I didn’t understand… But I understood that you smiling at me was the best thing I’ve ever fucking felt. And I understood that if I smiled, you’d smile back. You always joked that I only ever smiled with you… That’s why. I didn’t care about smiling at anyone else, because it didn’t feel like it did with you. God, how gay is that? haha. Guess I shouldn’t be confused about that anymore, huh? 

You were my best friend, Jonny. You were the only person I ever wanted to spend time with, and I only ever wanted you to spend time with me. You going away to college was so fucking hard, because I knew it meant that I’d missed my chance. Whatever slim chance I ever could have had. But you were going away, and you hadn’t even been there two weeks, and you were already telling me about this new guy you were dating. And fuck… Being jealous was bad enough, but then you were telling me that he was taking you to parties and introducing you to that… bullshit. And then i was angry, and protective, and scared for you. All of that, plus being so hopelessly fucking in love with you, and so god damn lonely… I didn’t know how to handle all those fucking feelings. So I was just a dick. I was mean to you because all my frustration just turned into aggression, i guess… Then you were upset and hurt, and you didn’t understand, and I just got more angry and frustrated at myself. I’m so fucking sorry I wasn’t better.

I remember that night. When we were so fucking crossfaded, and at that stupid party, and you kissed me. Oh my god. You laughed when you kissed me, and I’m pretty sure I almost passed out. You sitting on my lap was nothing new, but I can remember the way you felt that night so clearly. And the way my heart pounded so hard the whole time. And everything that happened after that… I remember. I should have said something, but… I just thought, you were drunk, and you wanted affection. And I was always there to give that to you. Why would this be any different? Plus, i was so drunk, and after kissing you, I couldn’t figure out how to ask you to stay. I thought you were gonna come back. I woke up in the middle of the night, after I passed out, and I was so heartbroken, because you weren’t there. You’d left. And I didn’t understand why. You never leave. I figured that meant you regretted what happened. And I was so scared to have that confirmed, so I never brought it up. And I figured if you wanted it to happen again, you would have said something. Because… you’re you. And you’re not afraid to ask for what you want. But you didn’t ask for me again, and that was my answer. Maybe I was wrong, and maybe that was my biggest mistake. But sometimes I still dream about the way your lips tasted that night. 

Anyways… this is sappy enough. And I realize that this might just make everything worse, especially now that I’m dead. So, I’m sorry. If this makes it worse. But I just couldn’t die without making sure you knew all this stuff. 

I love you, Jay. I’ve loved you, so much, for so long. Don’t let piece of shit guys fuck with you. You’re a god damn masterpiece, kid. And I know you’re gonna put so much beauty in this world. I’m sad I’ll never get to see it. Please, take care of yourself. And find happiness. You deserve it more than anyone I have ever met in this stupid life. 

Give ‘em hell, pretty boy. 

- Jaxon Benjamin Sawyer. (aka jaxy)

beautifulburnout:

Any smile that had been on his face faded away instantly when Jaxon both said he shouldn’t be there and he should go. It was amazing how much that hurt because despite everything that had happened, he was glad to see Jaxon. Apparently that was only a one sided feeling, but Jonny supposed he should have seen that coming. He was glad for the distraction of Jamie trying to get closer and so Jonny took a small step forward and leaned down so the dog could get a sniff at his hand. He could tell he was just excited and curious, and Jonny hoped that it encouraged Jaxon to wait even for just a moment. “Finally got your dogs, huh?” He looked up with a hint of a fond smile on his lips before he moved to stand again. He couldn’t count how many times Jaxon talked about wanting dogs.  There was a lot he wanted to say but none of it sounded right. ‘I’m sorry, I should have called, you were right’, just to name a few. Maybe he should have let him go but after all this time Jonny still found himself drawn to Jaxon and he didn’t want to miss this chance he never through he’d get. “Marines and a cop. Yeah, I can see that. You were always good at looking after people.” ‘Including me.’  He shifted where he stood. Jonny was still unable to hold still even after all this time. “So, since you went out of your way to come see it…what do you think?” He nodded towards the mural, but really he was just beating around the bush. He never thought he’d get the chance to see Jaxon again and now he couldn’t let him just walk away.

he felt unsure and unsteady. ten years past, and neither of them had ever reached out. jaxon thought that would forever be a distant memory of ache and regret. but jonny wasn't a memory anymore. he was standing in front of jax, alive and emotive and still just as awful at hiding emotions from manifesting on his expression. jaxon didn't miss the shift, and he felt a sharp stab of guilt. Jamie wouldn't quit, and jax let out the leash a little. "uh, yeah... I did," he replied, looking down at them with the slightest twitch of a smile. as Jamie enjoyed licking at jonny's hand, ginger leaned heavier against jax and grumbled out a low growl, wary of the stranger and Jaxon's tension. "ginger, it's fine, baby. relax," he muttered. "they're rescues. dog fights," he said to jonny, still quiet and withdrawn and guarded. he was too raw to be anything else.

part of him just wanted to say fuck it to all the complicated feelings trapped in his chest, and just hug jonny, or kiss him, or say i'm sorry i was stupid please take me back . but it'd been 10 years. and it felt like so many lifetimes past. and fear iced through his veins, freezing him into a quiet distance. jax just nodded at jonny's response, but looked back at the mural. "it's beautiful. of course. you did it," he replied, glancing over at jonny for just a second. it was all that he could handle. his grip tightened on the leash, and ginger growled lowly again. "i'm sorry. she's really protective. she doesn't trust anyone until i make it clear that i do. it helps if i hug people. then she's friendly," he sighed, stroking her head. it did nothing to dissuade her half-raised hackles.

the lost boys // jaxathan

#dork

✉️| DANNIE & JAX

dannie: happy belated birthday, shit head.

dannie: 😘

jaxon: thanks??

jaxon: i feel like such a fucking grumpy old man because i dont really like my birthday.

@tatemcallisterr

beautifulburnout:

After cleaning his paint brushes Jonny headed back outside to head home. He tucked his paint supplies into his messenger bag and started towards his truck. In all honesty, he hadn’t intended on being out here this late. He had only stopped by to do a touch up because his work had ended up smeared by curious hands. He was adjusting the strap to his bag when he rounded the corner and saw someone admiring his work. The artist smiled to himself and intended on passing by when something made him pause. He was about to mention that it would look better dry when Jaxon turned to face him. Those baby blues were a blast from the past and even if it had been ten years, he’d know Jaxon Sawyer from anywhere. He didn’t know what to do or say. Jonny rarely found himself speechless, but it figured that Jaxon could cause that. He could fuck him up with just a look. He didn’t expect this. Yes, he had ran into Mama Sawyer, but he didn’t think Jaxon would ever take interest in his life again. Not the way things ended between them. After a long moment he realized he was staring and so he cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. “Hey…um. Wow. Look at you, all grown up, Jax.”

jonny wasn’t supposed to be here. fuck, jax shouldn’t even fucking be here. but it was late, and he couldn’t sleep, and ginger was restless when he was. without the alpha sleeping, no one seemed to sleep. mama had told him about this. about seeing jonny. about seeing his painting. if you ain’t gonna talk to the boy, at least go see his art. it’s somethin’. he’d brushed her off in the moment, all but shutting down when jonny’s name was brought up for the first time in so many years. but he walked, and ended up here. and now jonny was too. it was stupid to think jonny would grow out of his late night habits. jonny didn’t know that jaxon had grown into them. he knew there was so much they didn’t know about each other anymore. 

if he thought he couldn’t breathe before, he really fucking couldn’t now. not with jonny, all grown up and filled out and just as annoyingly boyish, smirking at him like he was just on the verge of teasing jax about his scowl again. god, he’d stared down the barrel of a semi-automatic weapon and didn’t give a shit. but now jonny was looking at him, and he wondered how it was possible to still being in one piece with so much tearing at the inside of his chest.  “ y-yeah. uh... marines. and police force, ” he offered lamely, unsure of what else to say. ginger bristled slightly and leaned heavier against him. jamie just tugged and tried to get closer to sniff jonny. “ jamie. quit it. — i’m sorry. i, uh... got curious. i shouldn’t be here. im sorry. i should go. ”

the lost boys // jaxathan