Jason, In Full Red Hood Gear: Hey Mom, Can I Borrow One Of Those New Thanagarian Guns You Guys Got?

Arguing about who is Damian's favorite brother

Jason: Dickhead doesn't count! He's basically the brat's second dad!

Damian: Actually I already have a method in place to determine which one of you wastes of space is my favorite if I'm asked.

Jason: Oh? Don't keep us in suspense then.

Damian: It's simple really. Whoever has the highest kill count at the time is my alleged favorite.

Jason: HA! Suck it losers!

Dick: No fair! I killed the Joker!

Jason: What?

Damian: And while I would normally count that as at least 10, since Father revived him-

Jason: WHAT!?

Damian: Todd, we cannot stop to explain all of the family drama everytime you find yourself out of the loop. You will simply have to unblock us and rejoin the group chat.

Tim: Yeah Jason, get your family updates like the rest of us

Damian: As I was saying, since the Joker isn't dead despite your best efforts, I've decided that your count is at 5.

Jason: So I'm your favorite?

Damian: No. Your confirmed kills are between 20-40. Unfortunately, Drake is my favorite since his confirmed kill count is in the low hundreds.

Dick: I'm sorry. Can someone please explain how my Baby Bird has a kill count at all

Tim, trying to escape through the vents: YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL ASSHOLE!!!

Damian: You swore that you didn't touch my Taj Mahal Lego set. I guess we're both liars

Jason todd, but australian

if he studied in his years abroad in the outback and not Europe and Asia.

-

Bruce: Jason, stay here, you aren’t cleared for patrol. Jason: You’re dreaming, mate. Give me a fair go. Bruce: You have a serious concussion. Jason: She’ll be right. Pop some panadol and fuck right out.

- Jason: Awww fuck, I’m fanging for a cuppa. Dick: Jason, I’m begging you.

-

Jason after being punched: He’s built like a brick shithouse, I’ll tell ya that.

-

Bomb about to explode Jason: GUN IT! Tim: DON’T SHOOT IT! Jason running away: BOLT, ASSHOLE, BOLT.

-

Barbara: Hood, do you need backup?  Jason: Yeah nah. 

The Watchtower Office

Bruce Wayne/Batman : Jordan you’re going to have to stay late again. You misfiled your case from this week. If it’s not properly filed, it can’t properly be compensated by the government.

Hal: what? No it’s Friday!

Bruce: file it correctly next time. Also Monday we’re having a safety drill at 7 am sharp

Hal: for what?

Bruce: Uhh *checks clipboard* tornadoes *walks off*

Hal: why? We literally have a member who’s powers are tornadoes!

—————————

Barry: I hate staff meetings. That’s why I always volunteer to clean the office kitchen to avoid them. But sometimes, I wonder if I need hazard pay. Some of this stuff is literally glowing and if I didn’t have super speed, J’Onn’s lunch would have actually exploded in my face. It might be radioactive. The fridge is haunted.

————————

Clark: and that’s why I can’t miss Haybale day in Smallville. It’s a Kent family tradition. It’s also when we propagate turnips.

Bruce: *sigh* how many holidays can smallville have?

Clark: 43. Not counting loamy soil week.

—————————

Diana: I finally left Bruce take me on a date. He solved 3 murders.

—————————

Bruce: I went on a mission with Diana. She’s very affectionate to teammates. I’ll add that to her file. But the mission was a success and we closed 3 cases in one evening.

————————

Kyle Rayner/ Green Lantern: I caught Aquaman eating salt straight from the shaker at 3 am. He then went for jog. Is that an Atlantean thing?

—————————

Clark: Bruce talks about professionalism but yesterday he flipped me off under his cape so…

Clark: actually I just realized that was one of his kids.

Clark: under the cape….

———————

Oliver Queen/ Green Arrow: I’m in love with Dinah but how do I even ask her out?

Hal: just do it. Go out with me?

Oliver: *very loud across the office* DINAH, GO OUT WITH ME?

————————

Diana: I would never tell Bruce but he got the flu once and Nightwing took over for a whole week and honestly it was nice. We did mani-pedis after missions.

———————

J’Onn J’Onns/ Martian Manhunter: I think I understand the human mating patterns. The 4th season of 90 day fiancé is quite enlightening.

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Bring your kid to work day

Tim Drake/Robin: I’ve come to a hypothesis. I am in love with Superboy. But not Superman. Thus, I must be attracted to his Lex Luthor genes

(At same time)

Superman: hu

Batman: no

Kon Kent/Superboy: can we circle back to the love thing?

———————

———————

Another bring your kid to work day

Damian Wayne/ Robin: I have studied the patterns of Superman and Batman and have come to a conclusion that there is a sexual attraction between bat people and kryptonians. As you can see in this chart. Bruce and Clark, Jason and Kara, Tim and Kon, and…

Jon Kent/ Superboy: I will pay you to keep speaking

Bruce: I deny those allegations

Damian: denied. Too much substantiative proof

Hal: I thought this meeting was on safety

Barry: agreed. But now I’m invested and want to see how it turns out.

Hal: same

————————

Jason Todd/Red Hood/Former Robin: as you can see in this chart, villains use swear words at a much higher percentage than heroes. In conclusion, I must be a villain.

Bruce: and that’s the last presentation for bring your kid to work day. Thank you

—————————

Unnamed justice league personnel: *bored tone* this is a sexual harassment seminar to educate you on types and prevention. Sexual harassment stops with your help.

Clark: this feels pretty targeted

J’Onn: I agree. I don’t even desire humans.

Bruce: you both can look through peoples clothes and I don’t like it

Clark: it was an x Ray of your ribs!

actually though. various (sfw) kryptonian biology headcanons that skirt right up to human-passing

- higher base body temperature

- pupils that aren’t black but instead shaded slightly in the color of the iris. all kryptonians have unnaturally vivid eyes but it’s hard to tell exactly why unless you’re literally gazing into them

- tapetum lucidum (reflective eyes like animals) a bit harder to get away with, but are extremely funny because clark often does the maneuver where he’ll stand in front of a car to stop it, and this would make seeing him like seeing a deer but 10000000% worse

- they are actually bioluminescent it’s just that under normal circumstances it’s in the ultraviolet and we can’t see it. clark goes off to a blue sun mission and comes back looking halfway to electric blue superman. glowing stripes and freckles

- non-newtonian dynamic to their skin/flesh where it gets harder with more force applied; nothing unusual to the feeling of a normal handshake, but a punch thrown with force will break bone

- retractable fangs au because bonus teef are fun

- i swear some comic somewhere said something about nose gills

- solar lymphatic system primarily distributed along the spine. the entire spine lighting up with heat vision…

- they can collapse/skrunkle their spine a few inches; helpful with secret identity, but it restricts range of motion so it has the side benefit of making them a little clumsier

- blood tinged gold with stored solar energy

- just enough extra twist in their neck to enter uncanny valley territory - not quite looking straight behind but enough to be creepy as hell. kara would do this all the time

- golden age face squooshing. i do not think this should come back but it was actual canon for a while that they could just contort their faces. again creepy as fuck

Justice League Moments Caught on Live Television (part 2)

Superman: Say it.

Batman: No.

Superman: SAY IT.

Batman: *mumbles too softly to be heard*

Superman: Can’t hear you.

Batman: You have superhearing, Superman.

Superman: I can wait as long as it takes.

Batman:

Batman, just loudly enough for the microphone to pick it up: You’re my best friend.

Superman: *is beaming*

Batman: Can we finish the fight NOW?

Superman: After you………bestie.

Batman: *long, drawn-out sigh*

Superman: ☺️

—————

Aquaman: Stop calling me a fish.

Green Lantern: Okay, but TECHNICALLY…

—————

Martian Manhunter: *sitting there in serene silence*

Constantine: *also just sitting there albeit not quite as serenely*

Martian Manhunter:

Constantine:

Martian Manhunter:

Constantine:

Captain Marvel: Would you two cut it OUT already? I can’t take much more of this.

—————

Flash: Wait, what’s Batman running away from?

Black Canary, watching Batman take off in the batplane: His feelings.

Flash: Oh, okay. Yeah, that tracks.

—————

Green Arrow: No, you don’t get it. I can’t retire, Arsenal called me old.

—————

Green Lantern: This is the fourth time this week.

Flash: No wonder Batman’s so annoyed.

Green Lantern: If I try really hard I bet I can make it five.

—————

Wonder Woman: I leave for FIVE minutes.

—————

Green Arrow: I’m just saying, I’m not sharing grandkids with Batman.

—————

Superman: Ope, sorry, let me just…

Martian Manhunter: Your continued success is a mystery to me.

Superman: Oh yeah, Batman hates it.

—————

Flash: This is the WORST timeline.

—————

Superman: Maybe we should call Nightwing.

Batman: We do NOT need to call Nightwing.

—————

Black Canary: *long, long sigh*

—————

Green Lantern: YOU go deal with it.

Constantine: You do realize Batman’s children are not actually demons, right?

—————

Batman: *laughing*

Zatanna: Did Flash break the timeline again or something?

—————

Constantine: On three?

Zatanna: Rock, Paper, Scissors, GO.

Constantine:

Constantine: Dammit.

—————

Green Arrow: Stop calling Batman’s kids for backup. Yesterday Red Hood laughed at me for twenty minutes straight.

—————

Aquaman: Do I look like I know where Montana is?

—————

Captain Marvel: Come on, I don’t need vegetables.

Flash: A half cup of broccoli is not going to kill you.

Captain Marvel: You don’t know that.

Flash: You don’t know that it will.

Captain Marvel: It might.

Flash: Science experiment?

Green Lantern: We can’t do experiments that may result in death though, remember? Batman put it in the rules.

Flash: You’re just as bad, you know that?

Green Lantern: I have enough green in my name I don’t need it in my food too.

(Part 1)

Give me Frozen

but make Elsa Jason Todd

Ana; Dick Grayson

and Hanz; Slade Wilson

CoD incorrect quotes BUT Price is everyone’s dad bc why not lol

*throws confetti*

Price: we all have our own demons

Price, gesturing at the TF141: these are mine

*at zoo*

Soap: what are they in for?

Price: this isn’t a prison…

Gaz: so they can leave?

Price: no, but…

Ghost, pointing at a meerkat: I bet that one murdered someone

Soap, holding a python: guys I impulsively bought a snake, what do I name him?

Price: YOU DID WHAT?!?

Gaz: William Snakespear

Gaz, gesturing at Price: Soap! Look what you did! You made dad upset

Soap: dad, please don’t cry. We’re sorry…

Price, drunk out of his mind and near tears: I DONT REMEMBER GIVING BIRTH TO ANY OF YOU!

Price: IM NOT A FATHER FIGURE

Ghost: what are you doing??

Price, holding a knife above a sandwich: Gaz doesn’t like the crust

Bonus!

He sticks their mission reports on the fridge and THAT’S, ladies and gentlemen and others, CANON!!!

Some Kansan things I think Clark and the other supers from Kansas would say or do, by a Kansan:

Yee Yee: an exclamation said before one does something exciting, such as hunting, fishing, or shotgunning

Ope let me squeeze right on past ya there, sorry

Yeehaw: definitely said while flying around.

Have overly weird "salads". I don't even know how or why they are classified as salads, but that's what we call them. (Smth like lime jello salad)

Clark as a teen has definitely tried weed. There is jack fucking shit to do in KS but fight and do drugs (in gas station parking lots). That's how he knows drugs don't work on him. He tried them.

Aldis.

Brooding in fields.

Trader Joe's!

They all know way too much about different types of grass. Just going to school in Kansas does that to ya.

*grabs wild animal* this here is a friendly lil guy, innhe? *animal is biting, hissing, and spitting*

Yes to the overly politeness, even if they don't like someone. But if they don't like someone, it's passive aggressive. So, so passive aggressive.

That's all I can think of for now. There are probably more.

I choose to believe that none of Bruce's family respects the Matches Malone persona. They all think it's ridiculous. All of them have fake, Matches adjacent personas that they use to relentlessly mock him.

Like, Bruce shows up at some seedy bar to scrounge up some rumours, and sitting along the bar he sees

Dick with a BIC lighter in his mouth

Jason biting chunks out of a firestarter like it's chewing tobacco

Tim with an entire box of matches in his mouth, mostly tucked into his cheek like some kind of pyromaniacal hamster

Cass munching on a lit piece of kindling like she's Clint Eastwood

Steph's got a BBQ lighter hanging out of her mouth like a cigarette holder

Damian somehow got a hold of Firefly's entire backpack flamethrower setup, and it's sitting on the bartop with the handle in his mouth

And of course, Alfred has an entire candelabra, complete with lit candles, handing out of the side of his mouth. He still somehow looks distinguished

Bruce just gives up and goes home.

Soldier: Calling my superiors by their legal names! _

Soldier: Sup, John Price, staring at him: Don't do that Soldier: ... I'm sorry _ Soldier: How's it going, Kyle? Gaz: Oh I don't like that. Mm, no, sure do not Soldier, laughing: Something wrong, Kyle? Gaz: No no- no likey Soldier: *laughs* _ Soldier: Hey, John, can you sign this doc for me? Soap: Sure- No. No absolutely not Soldier: Please, Johnny- Soap: NO _ Soldier: Hey, Simon, can- Ghost: THE FUCK YOU CALL ME?? Soldier: I'M SORRY Ghost: I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE SLEEPING AT ALL TIMES Soldier: I'M SORRY I'M SORRY- _ (bonus) Soldier: Hey, Kate Laswell: *stops walking and swivels her head around to stare* Soldier: ... This is scarier than LT yelling at me