What Happens If Batman Is Out Driving The Batmobile And He Gets Pulled Over & Asked For His License

ONLINE - 141 social media au

୨୧ 𝘴𝘺𝘯𝘰𝘱𝘴𝘪𝘴 : the task forces tinder profiles.

୨୧ 𝘵𝘢𝘨𝘴 : suggestive.

Dick: So yeah, it really pisses Jason off, which is my main motivation, -- but I did sign Bruce up for Tinder

The JL in literal seconds:

Ask: The 27th of April, Part 2

[Warehouse by Gotham Harbor, Gotham City, 1745 H]

Red Hood: *taps his foot impatiently while he checks his watch for the nth time* Come on, come on, come on. Make the drop, you guys. 

Red Hood: *sighs in frustration as he disassembles and reassembles his pistol in 15 seconds flat for the nth time* Let’s get it over with. 

Red Hood: *peeks from behind a stack of crates for the nth time* I don’t have all day. I promised Alfred I’d make it to dinner on time –

Red Hood: *stares at his ringing phone with narrowed eyes*

Red Hood: *picks it up* Roman.

Black Mask [on the phone]: *chuckling* Jason, my dear boy! How’ve you been? You look healthy. Very much alive, even.

Red Hood: *spots the tiny, hidden camera attached to a steel beam above him (How in the world did he miss that?) and cocks both his guns* Where are your men, ugly face?

Black Mask: Don’t you speak to me that way, you little rat! Before I make you a very D-E-A-… Hm. Forget I said that.

Red Hood: What?

Black Mask: The point is you’ve wasted your time waiting for nothing. So get lost!

Red Hood: Don’t lie to me! I’ve been tracking your every move for weeks and this warehouse reeks of your poisonous, criminal stench – 

Black Mask: *lets out a drawn-out sigh* Listen, just go home, kid. The carnage you were looking forward to today? Newsflash: It ain’t happening!

Red Hood: You don’t tell me what to do, you sick son of a –

Black Mask: I tell you what: You go home tonight – and I mean home – I’ll forward you the coordinates of every illegal shipment to and from Janus Cosmetics within a hundred mile radius. You can blow it all up for all I care. Deal?

Red Hood: And if you don’t? If you lie to me?

Black Mask: *growling* You’ll find them anyway, you always do!

Red Hood: Why?

Black Mask: Hm?

Red Hood: Why?

Black Mask: *plays a vinyl record in the background, sounding more relaxed* Because there are better days to dance our tango, Jason… Da-rum, da-rum, da-rum da-ra… 

Red Hood: … 

Red Hood: Did Batman put you up to this?

Black Mask: *crumpling a piece of paper near the phone speaker* You’re breaking up! *click*

>>> *** <<<

[Safe house, undisclosed location, 1815 H]

Red Hood: *fumbling as he enters the wrong passcode to the steel door for the third time in a row* Crap! Crap! Crap! I’m gonna be late!

Lock: Password incorrect. Initializing Code Red Protocol in three, two, o–

Red Hood: Override the stupid passcode! Activate voice recognition!

Lock: Activating voice recognition –

Red Hood: The Handsome Robin! The Handsome Robin!

Lock: Welcome, Jason Todd. Opening door n–

Red Hood: Hello, Safe House! *squeezes himself in the still-narrow space, then trips over his weapons, armor, and garments as he hurriedly strips himself of them en route to the bathroom*

Red Hood: *abruptly stops in his tracks* What the fuuhhh…

Red Hood: *watches as bubbly, green fluid oozes out of his bathtub* 

Red Hood: *picks up the rolled piece of parchment beside his Batshampoo, unties the ribbon around it, and spreads it open*

Note: “In case you needed more. [signed] The Demon’s Head”

>>> *** <<<

[Crime Alley, 1903 H]

Red Hood: *groans as he realizes that his motorcycle just ran out of fuel* Seriously? 

Harley Quinn: *rollerblading into view* Hey, Baby J! Need a lift? *holds up an extra pair of roller blades*

Red Hood: Yeahhhh no.

Harley Quinn: Come on! It’ll be fun! And I promise I won’t bite cha. *winks*

Red Hood: Oh, what the heck. *grabs the roller blades* So you really just carry around an extra pair of blades, huh? *proceeds to put his on*

Harley Quinn: Nope! But I’ve had this with me for a while now. *takes out a tiny package from the pocket of her shorts and hands it to Jason*

Red Hood: *examines it* Hm.

Harley Quinn: It ain’t poisoned or nothin’! Pinky swear! *holds out her pinky*

Red Hood: *frowning* What is it?

Harley Quinn: *claps her hands excitedly* Open it! Open it!

Red Hood: *gingerly unfolds the bubble gum wrapper and holds up its minuscule content* … A tiny crowbar?

Harley Quinn: Yes! You can open envelopes with it! Stir coffee with it! Hit tiny Mistah J’s on the noggin’ with it –

Red Hood: *chuckles and puts the gift in his jacket pocket* Okay, okay, I get it. Thanks, I guess.

Harley Quinn: *holds her hand out to Jason* Come on! You’re gonna be late! Alfie ain’t gonna be happy!

Red Hood: …

Red Hood: Did Batman put you up to this?

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ 

And Jason’s confusion continues, @wingedskyes​ .

See: Part 1, Part 3

Roadtripppp!

Soap, squished in the back seat: And why exactly does Gaz get to sit in the front again, Cap'n? Price, driving: Because he's my favourite. Also I don't trust Ghost being near the wheel. Ghost, grumbling looking out the window: Whatever, asshole. Gaz, smug in the front seat: It's true though, ever since Las Almas- Ghost: I get it, I get it, you don't have to remind me. Rudy, smushed between Soap and Ghost: Why am I here again? Soap: I needed a cuddle buddy, obviously? Ghost isn't a cuddling type, are you Ghost? Ghost: Nope. Rudy, sobbing: I want to go home. Alex, in the trunk: Can we pull over I REALLY need to piss. Farah, strapped to the roof outside peering through a window: Oh YOU want to pull over??!? Alejandro in Gaz's footwell like a literal dog: I feel so uncomfortable right now. Laswell, on the phone already at the destination, laughing: Should've just taken a plane, lady and gents. Should've just taken a fucking plane.

Some rando: "What's your deadname?"

Transmasc Jason, making overly intense eye contact with them: "It's Jadaughter."

modern au: every gang party is pure anarchy, but the aftermath is so much worse.

-javiers asleep…in the bathtub…with water in it…completely clothed.

-someone played sia and now karens in the hospital with two broken legs and a fractured arm because she wanted to “swing from the chandelieeeeer”. had it not been for charles, she wouldve been left there.

-johns all over tiktok and instagram reels for his…”pole dancing”. he made bank though.

-micah chugged a redbull monster protein powder mix and is already out of the house.

-jack is asleep under bills coat on a sofa somewhere.

-bill is surrounded by beer cans in a corner. hes just exhausted from the effort of throwing mr pearson out of the window.

-lenny is wrapped up in an irish flag in the garden, covered in vomit, bloodshot eyes and snoring like hell. the phrase “no balls” has earned him several cuts and bruises, 9 million likes on tiktok, and a deep sense of shame and embarrassment waiting to attack him as soon as hes sober.

-tilly made it back to bed, thanks to mary-beth.

-abigail and molly are both knocked out in dutch’s bed after jumping susan then hiding there.

-reverend brought the real fun (iykyk)

-strauss hjacked the dj booth and played some bangers. it didnt matter the lyrics were in german, everyone still went crazy.

-uncle slept through the entire thing.

-sean is on the floor of mary-beth’s room violently breathing through his mouth as he sleeps because his nose is so stuffed. why? he snorted ‘something’ and then snorted davey’s ashes (lennys fault). he also fell down the stairs, mixed an insane amount of alcohols together, started to flirt with inanimate objects after loosing track of lenny, vomited on everyone and everything, graffitied up the ra on the walls and on trelawny. awful idea considering trelawny owns the hideout.

-dutch and hosea? currently on their way back to their state after arthur got himself arrested 16 hours away.(how arthur. how.)

thank you sans and reigen for creating the perfect energy for today to happen

drive with all the photos, and youtube version

Soldier: Calling our allies by their legal names!

---

Soldier: Hey, Farah

Farah: *turns and stares at him*

Farah: Do I know you?

Soldier: ... no

Farah: Oh good, I was afraid I had forgotten another name

Soldier: Oh-

---

Soldier: hey Alex-

Alex: What?

Soldier:

Alex: ... you said my name like you had a question? What was it??

Soldier: I didn't have a question

Alex: ... wasting my time- *leaves*

Soldier: ... Hey Alex-

Alex, immediately: Yea?

Soldier: *snorts*

Alex: AHH-

---

Soldier: Sup, Phil

Graves: Ex-fucking-cuse me?

Soldier: I-

Graves: Nah- You don't have that privilege

Shadow passing by: Hey Phil

Graves: Sup

Soldier:

---

Soldier: Hey [redacted]

Soldier: *immediately tackled by Chimera soldiers*

Nik: ... they won't notice you're gone

A babysitter's guide to the bats: by Jason Todd

If, for any reason, I am not in Gotham, here's what you will need to know to keep the local bat population from killing themselves off.

Tim has to be fed and watered daily.

Do not leave Cass alone for more than 36 hours, you might find half the world's governments systematically dispatched if you do.

Damian needs to be hugged at least once every two days. He will not ask for these hugs, but Robin starts getting real close to murder if he doesn't get affection, and a murdery Robin is something Bruce and Tim cannot deal with right now.

Bruce can hypothetically take care of himself, but won't unless it's easy. Make sure the cave is stocked up on energy bars and protein shakes. He likes dark chocolate best.

Do not let Dick forget to sleep. He gets acrobat-y when tired, and if he breaks one more chandelier Alfred might actually quit.

Cass forgets to eat real food sometimes. She can no longer survive off tree bark, but will try anyway. Leave some blackberries outside her room or on the bench below the maple tree in the back and she will eat those instead.

Make sure Steph spends time with Alfred. They both get lonely without their bi-weekly tea and gossip hour.

DO NOT LET DUKE RUN MISSIONS. HE FORGETS THAT THE REST OF THE TEAM IS MORTAL.

Keep an eye on Babs, she has the means to dismantle every intelligence agency in the U.S. and is very close to finding a motive.

Sometimes Bruce and Tim forget that they run a company. Make sure they read their emails every once in a while, the board is ruthless and can smell weakness.

Tim is allergic to walnuts. He doesn't remember this. There is an EpiPen in the hall closet.

The no-metas-in-Gotham rule does not extend to Diana Prince. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. You couldn't actually get rid of her if you tried. There is no Wonder Woman contingency plan. Don't look for it.

Titus has to be fed while Damian is at school.

Always make sure Red Robin has his third backup rebreather. He's recently decided he has a death wish.

Batcow is NOT allowed in the manor. If Damian tries to convince you she is, he is lying.

Selina will try to kidnap Damian or Tim. Let her, unless it's both at the same time.

If something smells like smoke, do not investigate on your own.

Do not let Duke drag you into a parkour contest. You will lose your dignity and maybe a finger.

If Tim falls asleep anywhere but the couch or his bed, wake him. We're trying to train his subconscious into taking care of him.

Bruce needs two hours of sunlight a day. The easiest way to trick him into it is getting Tim to play catch with him. It triggers his dad instincts.

Never agree to play hide and seek with Cass. You will never find her.

If Steph come to collect Damian for "an ice cream date," she knows something you don't. Her big sister intuition is flawless. Send him with a couple hundred in cash and a can of mace.

The rest of the family:

Steph | Tim | Babs | Cass | Bruce | Duke | Dick | Damian

Another chapter of my "The Waynes on Twitter" work on AO3

Masterlist of Tweets

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28 - Human Disaster Bruce Wayne