Hal: I Think We Should Get A Divorce.

Examples of Bruce’s “Dad Strength” as witnessed by various Robins throughout the years:

can and will bodily pick up any new Robin and bail as soon as gunfire starts on patrol

one time Bruce got out, physically ripped off a broken part of the Batmobile, and threw it in the backseat so he and Jason could keep chasing someone in the Narrows

ran home with Nightwing over his shoulder when he got shot

frequently lifts sewer grates/manhole covers like they weigh nothing

does push-ups with Robins on his back for a challenge

held onto the side of a building with just his fingers for ten minutes once when Steph’s grapple line broke and he had to help her back up

pulls hot dishes from the oven without mitts sometimes for Alfred (insists scar tissue on his hands means he can’t feel it, nobody fully believes him)

Damian swears he saw him kick a tree down once during training. A big tree.

Dick frequently catches him unscrewing screws in his prototypes with his bare fingers

Punches through walls????

can drink nothing but straight black coffee for several days before any signs of discomfort (this freaks out everyone but Tim)

Jason, in full Red Hood gear: Hey mom, can I borrow one of those new Thanagarian guns you guys got?

Diana: Sure, sweetie.

The rest of the League:

Bruce: *sighs*

The rest of the League:

The rest of the League:

Hal: wtf

The Watchtower Office

Bruce Wayne/Batman : Jordan you’re going to have to stay late again. You misfiled your case from this week. If it’s not properly filed, it can’t properly be compensated by the government.

Hal: what? No it’s Friday!

Bruce: file it correctly next time. Also Monday we’re having a safety drill at 7 am sharp

Hal: for what?

Bruce: Uhh *checks clipboard* tornadoes *walks off*

Hal: why? We literally have a member who’s powers are tornadoes!

—————————

Barry: I hate staff meetings. That’s why I always volunteer to clean the office kitchen to avoid them. But sometimes, I wonder if I need hazard pay. Some of this stuff is literally glowing and if I didn’t have super speed, J’Onn’s lunch would have actually exploded in my face. It might be radioactive. The fridge is haunted.

————————

Clark: and that’s why I can’t miss Haybale day in Smallville. It’s a Kent family tradition. It’s also when we propagate turnips.

Bruce: *sigh* how many holidays can smallville have?

Clark: 43. Not counting loamy soil week.

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Diana: I finally left Bruce take me on a date. He solved 3 murders.

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Bruce: I went on a mission with Diana. She’s very affectionate to teammates. I’ll add that to her file. But the mission was a success and we closed 3 cases in one evening.

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Kyle Rayner/ Green Lantern: I caught Aquaman eating salt straight from the shaker at 3 am. He then went for jog. Is that an Atlantean thing?

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Clark: Bruce talks about professionalism but yesterday he flipped me off under his cape so…

Clark: actually I just realized that was one of his kids.

Clark: under the cape….

———————

Oliver Queen/ Green Arrow: I’m in love with Dinah but how do I even ask her out?

Hal: just do it. Go out with me?

Oliver: *very loud across the office* DINAH, GO OUT WITH ME?

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Diana: I would never tell Bruce but he got the flu once and Nightwing took over for a whole week and honestly it was nice. We did mani-pedis after missions.

———————

J’Onn J’Onns/ Martian Manhunter: I think I understand the human mating patterns. The 4th season of 90 day fiancé is quite enlightening.

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Bring your kid to work day

Tim Drake/Robin: I’ve come to a hypothesis. I am in love with Superboy. But not Superman. Thus, I must be attracted to his Lex Luthor genes

(At same time)

Superman: hu

Batman: no

Kon Kent/Superboy: can we circle back to the love thing?

———————

———————

Another bring your kid to work day

Damian Wayne/ Robin: I have studied the patterns of Superman and Batman and have come to a conclusion that there is a sexual attraction between bat people and kryptonians. As you can see in this chart. Bruce and Clark, Jason and Kara, Tim and Kon, and…

Jon Kent/ Superboy: I will pay you to keep speaking

Bruce: I deny those allegations

Damian: denied. Too much substantiative proof

Hal: I thought this meeting was on safety

Barry: agreed. But now I’m invested and want to see how it turns out.

Hal: same

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Jason Todd/Red Hood/Former Robin: as you can see in this chart, villains use swear words at a much higher percentage than heroes. In conclusion, I must be a villain.

Bruce: and that’s the last presentation for bring your kid to work day. Thank you

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Unnamed justice league personnel: *bored tone* this is a sexual harassment seminar to educate you on types and prevention. Sexual harassment stops with your help.

Clark: this feels pretty targeted

J’Onn: I agree. I don’t even desire humans.

Bruce: you both can look through peoples clothes and I don’t like it

Clark: it was an x Ray of your ribs!

If you could live in one DC city, which one would you choose? Star City? Central City? Metropolis? Gotham? Or a different one?

All of them have their pros and cons

Star City

- Pros: the Arrowfam

- Cons: Ollie's chili

Central City/Keystone

- Pros: more mentally stable Rogues gallery

- Cons: the Midwest

Metropolis

- Pros: not Gotham

- Cons: gotta buy a new car every week the way they get thrown through your office

Smallville

- Pros: Kon

- Cons: corn

Gotham

- Pros: grunge vibes

- Cons: Gotham

Rdr2 AU where the gangs are running restaurants (Dutch's business is failing miserably and Arthur is having two burnouts in one week)

Humpty Dumpty slander

Give me Frozen

but make Elsa Jason Todd

Ana; Dick Grayson

and Hanz; Slade Wilson

What does Tim say when people ask about his spleen?

Damian: I am updating my blackmail records. Tell me what happened to your spleen in its full hilarity.

Tim: I donated it to a sickly orphan.

Damian: You win this round.

———————

Tim: I have to be careful, I lost my spleen.

Carrie: How?

Tim: Aliens.

———————

Tim: I'm zero percent spleen and fifty-nine percent pizza sauce.

Helena: Zero percent spleen?

Tim: Yep. On the bright side, they named a disease after me.

———————

Luke: I've designed nanotech vitals trackers to be implanted on our spleens.

Tim: Oh, no thanks. I don't have one.

Luke: You don't have a spleen?

Tim: It wasn't paying rent so I evicted it. Lazy freeloader.

———————

Barbara: Why does your chart say you're missing a spleen?

Tim: I made a deal with the devil but I had a discount code so instead of my soul I just needed to sell a non-essential organ.

———————

Steph: What happened to your spleen? Are you okay?

Tim: I'm fine. It's taking an extended gap year.

———————

Harper: So... can I ask about your spleen?

Tim: Yeah, don't worry. I was part of a failed science experiment.

Cullen: What'd they do?

Tim: They injected me with a serum that was supposed to make me indestructible. But instead all I got were a spleen removal and chronic insomnia. And a free T-shirt.

Cullen:

Harper:

Cullen: Was it a nice shirt?

———————

Dick: What do you mean you don't have a spleen?!?

Tim: It was confiscated by airport security.

———————

Tim: Happy Pride! My spleen finally came out of the closet. And by closet I mean my body.

Kate: Diversity win.

———————

Tim and Jason: *arguing*

Jason: At least I still have my spleen!

Tim: It's genetic!

Jason: Sucks to be you.

Tim: We have the same dad. It could happen to you too.

Jason, scoffing: Whatever.

Jason, internally: Oh shit, he's right. I need to see Leslie.

———————

Tim and Bette: *sparring*

Bette: *hits Tim*

Tim: Ow. Time out. That was my spleenhole.

Bette: ...How?

Tim: It took a trip to the Titanic in a soup can with a Playstation controller.

———————

Duke: Since when did you have that scar?

Tim: Since losing my spleen last year.

Duke: How do you lose a spleen?

Tim: You forget to cherish it.

———————

Cass: ?

Tim: I digested it.

———————

Selina: You know I have to tell Bruce about this.

Tim: Okay, fine.

Tim: I had to get it removed as a kid after falling into a well of bats.

———————

Bruce: Tell me what happened to your spleen so Alfred and Leslie can give you the proper treatment.

Tim: What do you mean?

Bruce: Everyone's been telling me you don't have it.

Tim: Well, I do, so...

Bruce: Alright, I'll have a talk with them about bad taste pranks.

———————

Alfred: You can't keep the truth from me, Master Tim.

Tim: Assassins stole it.

Alfred: I wasn't born yesterday. Now what really happened?

Tim: ...