Look What They Do To You Look What They Do To Me Must Be Joking If You Think That Either One Is Free,

tatemcallisterr:

It was hard to talk about, even with someone like Jaxon who could relate so strongly to what he was going through. That was a big reason Tate kept insisting he didn’t need to see a therapist or go to any support groups. Talking about things had never helped him deal with them anyways. “I know it’ll probably never go away completely —- I just wish it would get better. I’m fucking tired.” Tate knew he wasn’t the first person to go to war and come back having nightmares about it, and he certainly wouldn’t be the last. But when he wakes up at night, alone, in an empty house, it’s hard not to feel isolated. “I am for the most part. Doc just found some problems with my liver when they were doing blood tests. It’s not a big deal.” At least that’s what his doctor had told him, it wouldn’t be a big deal as long as he didn’t drink so often. Which was proving difficult when it was his go-to coping mechanism. 

yeah, he knew that feeling well. too well. it made his chest ache for his friend. and it made him angry that he didn’t know how to help tate. especially when tate was so adverse to help.  “ they say therapy is supposed to... i dunno. do somethin’, ya know? ” the suggestion was tentative and gentle, like he knew tate wouldn’t respond well to it. but he had to try. there had to be something. even if talking didn’t help the famously tight-lipped man, maybe there was something else they could recommend. at least, that’s what jaxon hoped.  “ yer liver being fucked up doesn’t sound like ‘not a big deal’. and that fuckin’ sucks. who else is gonna appreciate shitty whiskey with me? ” he teased gently, a small smirk flickering at the corner of his lips. “ oh, we got a friend in common. jonny. maybe in place of drinkin’, get stoned with him. ” the suggestion was only half serious, and the light in jaxon’s eyes said as much. he was trying to be helpful. trying to make tate feel like there was a little hope. despite how fucking tired he felt. 

beautifulburnout:

The clean scent that Vegas had wouldn’t last for long. The rain seemed to refresh the city and it was soothing to him. 2am was a little late for him to be out but Jaxon wasn’t the only one who was having trouble sleeping. He’d always been prone to insomnia but he figured this was just cabin fever. He wasn’t alone and when he headed for the door Tanis was right on his heels. Jonny hadn’t even bothered with a leash this late, no one would be in a park this far off the strip. Or so he thought. The jingle of collars caught his attention but Tanis shot off like a bolt after some toy that was flung their direction. Jonny went to run after his dog but a familiar voice had him stopping in his tracks. He squinted into the darkness and glanced at Tanis. Now that he knew it was Jamie and Ginger he was less worried but he still kept an eye on his pup. “Don’t you know there’s a leash law?” He called out with a smile in his voice. He let out a shrill whistle and Tanis slowly trotted towards him with his tongue lulling out. He was still worried for his little 3 legged dog verses excited pitties.

The voice was like a sense memory. One that made his heart thud and his tension ease back. But he shined his flashlight as the man's chest just in case. Huh. Imagine that. He wasn't anxious at the stranger anymore... but that was replaced by a complicated feeling he was still having trouble sorting out. "I gotta break the law somehow. Or my teenage self would be deeply disappointed in me," he replied with a gentle smile as jonny came closer. Jaxon pups had forgotten the game of fetch over wrestling with each other. He walked over to meet Jonny, to be able to see him without a flashlight. "Of all th' gin joints, huh?" he said as they got closer, and as Tanis came over. "Well hey, little baby. Tanis, right?" Jax asked, glancing up at Jonny as he crouched down to greet and pet the auburn puppy.

…and I am out with lanterns, looking for myself.

Emily Dickinson, The Letters of Emily Dickinson. (via foism)

if you could go back and change one thing in your life, what would it be?

“ i try not to live in regrets, ya know? try not to wonder how life would be different if this or if that. found it just gets me more in my head. but... i dunno. i wouldn’t have made every excuse in th’ book not to reach out to jonny after our fight. i let my bullshit get in my way for so long, and then after a while... it just was too long, ya know? but yeah. i think things would have been really different for th’ both of us. but who knows? maybe it was supposed to be like this. ”

@beautifulburnout

Kellan Lutz in Geoffrey Beene Spring Summer 2017 Campaign

beautifulburnout:

After cleaning his paint brushes Jonny headed back outside to head home. He tucked his paint supplies into his messenger bag and started towards his truck. In all honesty, he hadn’t intended on being out here this late. He had only stopped by to do a touch up because his work had ended up smeared by curious hands. He was adjusting the strap to his bag when he rounded the corner and saw someone admiring his work. The artist smiled to himself and intended on passing by when something made him pause. He was about to mention that it would look better dry when Jaxon turned to face him. Those baby blues were a blast from the past and even if it had been ten years, he’d know Jaxon Sawyer from anywhere. He didn’t know what to do or say. Jonny rarely found himself speechless, but it figured that Jaxon could cause that. He could fuck him up with just a look. He didn’t expect this. Yes, he had ran into Mama Sawyer, but he didn’t think Jaxon would ever take interest in his life again. Not the way things ended between them. After a long moment he realized he was staring and so he cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. “Hey…um. Wow. Look at you, all grown up, Jax.”

jonny wasn’t supposed to be here. fuck, jax shouldn’t even fucking be here. but it was late, and he couldn’t sleep, and ginger was restless when he was. without the alpha sleeping, no one seemed to sleep. mama had told him about this. about seeing jonny. about seeing his painting. if you ain’t gonna talk to the boy, at least go see his art. it’s somethin’. he’d brushed her off in the moment, all but shutting down when jonny’s name was brought up for the first time in so many years. but he walked, and ended up here. and now jonny was too. it was stupid to think jonny would grow out of his late night habits. jonny didn’t know that jaxon had grown into them. he knew there was so much they didn’t know about each other anymore. 

if he thought he couldn’t breathe before, he really fucking couldn’t now. not with jonny, all grown up and filled out and just as annoyingly boyish, smirking at him like he was just on the verge of teasing jax about his scowl again. god, he’d stared down the barrel of a semi-automatic weapon and didn’t give a shit. but now jonny was looking at him, and he wondered how it was possible to still being in one piece with so much tearing at the inside of his chest.  “ y-yeah. uh... marines. and police force, ” he offered lamely, unsure of what else to say. ginger bristled slightly and leaned heavier against him. jamie just tugged and tried to get closer to sniff jonny. “ jamie. quit it. — i’m sorry. i, uh... got curious. i shouldn’t be here. im sorry. i should go. ”

the lost boys // jaxathan

shvdykiid:

                        The pair share a strange relationship and it shows Oliver holds a fondness for the man currently scowl. The ginger just rolls his eyes and takes one of the many cupcakes. Gingerly taking a bite before he begins to start the bickering that just seems to always happen between the two. Maybe it was the clash between personalities. Jax is warmer in comparison to Oliver’s standoffish personality.

“What’s the big deal? You’re still young and got loads of years to go through before you start needing my help around here,” Oliver teased as he held a serious face. He takes another bite to enjoy the cupcake.  “Are these homemade or from a bakery?”

sure, they hadn’t met in the most conventional of ways. but jaxon’s life hadn’t really been conventional anyways. so what was one more? plus, the kid was interesting and amusing, and the morgue was a quiet place for jax to get away when he was tired of all the bro-y cop shit.  “ you gonna be my hospice? or jus’ gonna do my autopsy? ” he shot back with a mirrored teasing. the cupcake was mostly unconsumed, but he picked at the frosting, very slowly eating it.  “ homemade. mama likes to be smug about doin’ shit by hand for me. just tell me if i’m bein’ a fucking brat. ”

@tatemcallisterr