Bsd Angst - Blog Posts

Just some sskk angst 😋

Hi! here I have a little dazai animatic (?) This scene has been living in my mind rent free for awhile (like I see it everytime I listen to this part of the song)

song: Hitomania

Hurt/ angst/ comfort

Nikolai Gogol x fem!reader

Night changes

MINORS DNI

This story is +18. If you are minor, quit or at least don’t interact.

Trigger warning: mentions of blood, wounds, violence/domestic violence, sadistic behaviour, cold weapon, affective dependency. Nikolai is his own TW atp.

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It was too much. You’ve reached your limit.

Looking forward, you could only see chaos and ruination of your persona. Nothing more.

And certainly, nothing less.

Certainly, at these times you ask yourself « what happened », foolishly, gazing at the poor state you were left in « why even ? ». For nothing.

Oh. Yes. I’ve loved. The wrong person.

Sacrificial, you choose yourself to be, indeed.

It wasn’t rare for you to be quietly sitting on the couch with your so called lover (the one who could be so lovely and affectionate) until he suddenly would turn into a monster. Giggling and laughing at your pain

— Ah.. search for freedom it is. —

Like now…

« HahAhaHa if you just looked at your face when I stabbed you. Like a shocked puppy !! »

This relationship was still so important to you.

Always you heard that love was staying through the hard times. It was supposedly normal to « Go through hell for the one you love » — isn’t it ?

That’s why you’ve always been so loving and genuine about your feelings and continued being so, even through the hardest times.

Certainly, you yearned for someone to love, who would love you back and cherish you…

Only.. you haven’t got this chance.

You indeed found someone to love but the feeling wasn’t reciprocated ?.. Or was the feeling present but not reciprocated correctly, loosing itself between a negation operated by none other than your lover due to his obsession with freedom and his selfishness?

An absurd choice made by a man to tangle himself in a relationship when bearing such an unrealistic ambition. Freedom from emotions.

Harm, pain, sadness and humiliation was all you knew.

You knew you betrayed yourself for nothing. And you were continuing to do so.

Indeed Nikolai could seem very friendly, even adorable at first glance but.. He could actually be the very monster before you, enjoying your pain. Uselessly.

..like now.

Facing you with what he likes to call his « amusement tools » which consisted of knives of all shapes and sizes.

Very sharp knives.

«  Come on doll ! I haven’t finished yet ! » he said stomping his foot on the floor.

The floor, littered with broken glass, from the very same vase you’ve put the very flowers he offered you.

Both standing in the kitchen. A wold and a lamb.

You, against the wall, behind a table that was sparing you from the monster before you, ready to harm you at any moment.

You were all bleeding and sobbing from the harm you’ve been enduring.

You were like an object. Hugging you when he felt like it and hurting you when he felt like it.

Blood from your arms was pouring and staining your beautiful dress. Such a mess.

How did it come to this ? Was a recurrent question which didn’t seem to leave your mind.

« Nikolai please .. » your voice pleading and quivering.

« Come on darling » urging you  « hold out you hand.. » he pouted maliciously.

Trying to struggle was always vain. He was always stronger than you.

One hit.

Blood platter on the floor.

One time too much.

Time stopped..

Through your tears, you looked at your stained, torn clothes, at your bleeding arms and palm… Slowly your gaze trailed till it reached his face. The man you loved and cherished so much was the source your pain and sadness..

Standing with a Cheshire grin.

He was the one harming you and putting you through chaos, through pain. You looked at him in the eyes.. eyes full of grief and regret. He paused.

Love should never be like that.

The shift in the atmosphere happened when he suddenly noticed something changed in you. Your eyes.. they lost their light, they became cold and distant.

He felt a clench in his heart and.. guilt ? He then knew, by the way you looked at him...

He was loosing you.

The smile in his face.. long gone. Realisation hiting was a reminder of his failure.

Slowly, you turned around the table avoiding him, wearing your long coat, you lifelessly exited the house with your heart torn apart.

——————————————

It was a rainy day. How funny.. like an attempt of the weather to match the storm present in your heart.

At least, the teardrops flowing down your cheeks would be mistaken for rain. This way, people won’t stare.

It was cold outside, you were crossing your arms trying to shield yourself from the cold. Slowly walking between all the passengers, you started thinking about how your life would have been if you haven’t encountered Nikolai.

Certainly better.

With your hands cold and your heart clenching you made it to a bench at a parc and as it was afternoon, you could see the deep orange sun setting. Its warmth deeply contrasted with the coldness of the rain.

It was truly beautiful.

The more time passed, the colder it got. To survive that, the only thing you could do is hug your legs against your chest and rocking back and forth in an effort to create some warmth.

It was night now, the sun has completely set. The only light you had was coming from the street lamps.

By that time, there was no one left in the parc, only the sound of crickets and the leaves blowed by the wind.

You found yourself lulled by the sounds.. if only you weren’t in such a messy state, you could have been able to really enjoy sitting here..

Instead, your face felt heavy from crying and your mind raced.

You wondered what you were going to do now that you managed to exit the house. You have nowhere to go. If Nikolai finds you at your family’s place he could harm them and that was a risk you didn’t want to take. Staying with someone as violent was your fault and you weren’t going to put your loved one’s security at stake.

The only place you could go to would be a hotel and even there, Nikolai could still find you, but at least, the only person who would be harmed would be you.

You have no exit.

You knew that your so-called boyfriend would find you wherever you go and that trying so hard to escape was useless.

The calmness of the scenery got to you and you were starting to feel sleepy when you heard the sounds of footsteps on the grass.

So tired from all the crying you’ve done, you had a hard time focusing on the person that was walking towards you.

Suddenly, the realisation hit you and you stiffened, eyes wide. The silhouette was one you would recognise between hundreds of others.

Slowly approaching.. like a predator towards his prey.

This is it.. he’s going to kill me.

Today is my last.

These moments are my last.

Trembling.. you were trembling from fear, the man before you was a monster.

Slowly coming under the light, you could finally see his face.

Surprisingly enough, he wasn’t wearing that sadistic smile of his… the smile of a predator.

He seemed actually.. sad ?

Without a word, with a shocking call, he sat beside you. Leaving you apprehensive of his intentions.

His demeanour was strange, wasn’t as malicious as usual, he wasn’t moving with his habitual eccentricity. A certain distance between the too of you was kept as if he was waiting for an answer, or a reaction.

You blinked, the wind blowing on your week frame.

The situation being too stressful resulted on you suddenly bursting into tears.

- « What did I ever do to you to treat me like this ?! Do I really deserve that ?! » your voice breaking from the precedent amount of cries, of sobs.

Sitting beside you, you see Nikolai flinch and for a minute you saw what looked like.. guilt ? Sadness ? Regret ?

But could you trust it ? Could you trust your red puffy eyes, tired from weeping all day ?

As the silence grew, you continued « I’ve always gave you all my love.. I just wanted to love and be loved that’s all.. that’s all I wanted ».

You looked at him desperate, trying to get an answer instead of that mysterious emotion on his face.

« All you did was hurting me. Pain, that’s all you gave me back.. You must really hate me a lot for doing all this to me»

Besides you, Nikolai was trying his best to look stoic but, the pang on his heart was too painful to be able to do much.

« I am…sorry.. sweetheart.. let’s just go home »

« I wish I’ve never met you, Nikolai » you added, hot tears pooling down your cheeks. Indeed you fell terribly for him very shortly after your first meeting. Even at that time, something in your heart told you it would never be the same.

A hug. Strangely warm, compared to his meek precedent attempts. Without a word you stayed like this, only hearing each others breaths and sharing a non habitual warmth.

It’s too hard. That’s what you’ve always wanted. And he’s only giving it to you now. When it felt like it was over.

Was he trying to soothe you before he leaves you dead ?

After a long unmeasured moment of silence, you were the one to break it with a tired voice « You’ve hurt me. Again and again. How many time you said sorry before? Did it change anything ? » your eyes heavy, betraying you while you needed to be the most alert.

Tears were still running down your reddened cheeks.

Time passed by still in silence in the same position. Hugged by your executioner.

Instead of a proper response, Nikolai scoops you up in his arms, and without a word took the path back home. Startled, looking at his face, he seems solemn, uncharacteristically serious.

What could you do ? From the first time you saw him, you knew you were too far gone. Your fault for being thirsty for love.

« Nikolai, this is my last try with you.. » a white lie you couldn’t even believe yourself.

And as silence persisted, the only thing you could hear was his steps on the grass.

You felt warm at the idea that he actually might change. That maybe, he was sincere.

You wouldn’t bet your life on it though.

But a sparkle of hope remained.

.

everything happens for a reason

everything he went through. the darkness that he felt. the fear and anguish that consumed his soul.

it was all so that one day he could meet you.

on that fateful day, he was standing on that rooftop; he was about to take his own life.

that's when you showed up.

"please.. don't do this.."

words of kindness and... love...? words he had never experienced before. words that made him turn away.

tears rolled down your face as you tried to make the man step away from the ledge. he saw those tears. and he thought of what would happen if this teary-eyed bystander watched as he plummeted to his death.

and in that moment, you became his saving grace.

a/n - i really hate how this turned out but i have to feed y'all so.. DAZAI, poe GIYUU, nagito, shigaraki, and any of your self-destructive favorites

life never feels real.

he never feels real.

because whenever he wakes up, he still feels stuck in a repetitive dream.

every day: wake up. go to work. go to sleep.

it's like his life is a constant loop.

that all changes when you walk into his life. now his days look more colorful.

his days are full of your love.

his days are full of your light.

you are his reason to live.

KUNIKIDA, dazai, NEUVILETTE, zhongli, ajax, and any of your emotionally exhausted favorites!

on the other side of that metaphorical one-way mirror, is a trembling little boy. is a fearful child.

he's so scared. so scared they'll see past the facade he puts on to imitate those around him. so scared they'll see his true self.

that mirror is the only thing about him that shows confidence.

but then he meets you.

you're the only one who can see through as if it's a window. you're the only one who can hold that small child and tell him it's okay.

please.. just tell him it's okay..

RANPO, ango, poe, kokichi, UZUI, giyuu, and any of your falsely confident favorites!

Sometimes, stress can get to a person.

Time and time again, you find him on the rooftop. Every time, he leans over the edge as tears roll down his cheeks. And every time, he turns around and smiles.

You're his saving grace. His heart, his world, his everything.

And every time he turns around and sees your sad smile, he can't bring himself to do it.

He truly loves you to the moon and back.

DAZAI, poe, NAGITO, korekiyo (delusional), and any of your depressed favorites!

"You're my Dazai and I'm your Chuuya"

A simple sentence that you voice as if it's nothing. You smile as you say so, the light in your eyes making my heart skip a beat.

Just like Chuuya, you're too caring for your own good. You put everyone else first instead, leaving yourself last. You do your best to help everyone, no matter what they might have done to you previously. I don't understand such acts of kindness and yet that's what I find so beautiful about you. Just like Chuuya you might act confident, and yet you think so little of yourself. Letting me see those insecurities is a gift I don't deserve. You get angry easily, it's the only way you know to deal with your emotions, and yet instead of hurting others you take it all out on yourself, not to hurt your body, but just so you can let that anger go, trying no to do so to anyone who's not to blame. You are so beautiful even at moment you think you look anything but that, your smile and that look on your eyes makes me want to just stare at you for hours to no end, doing nothing but admiring.

And just like you said, I am your Dazai. Just like him, I can act severely selfishly. I say words harsher than they should have been and do things that, though I was sure were for the best, ended up hurting those around me. I do not appreciate all that I have until all things dear to me are lost. I will hurt myself, and be the most self-destructive version of me possible, but unlike you, I do so for the pain that comes with it. I find comfort in my misery to the point of dragging people down with me. No matter how I act or what I say, you know better than to believe that I've been getting better, and yet you still won't let go of me. You are still here, though I do not deserve you in the slightest. You carry on by my side and will always do until I hurt you. And after that, you will find a way to come close to me again. That's the kind of person you are. And I'm the kind of person so weak that'll let you come back, knowing I'm nothing but bad for you.

"We have the Soukoku dynamic"

You like Chuuya, relating to him somehow comforts you, knowing other people feel like you do, that you are, after all, human.

I hate Dazai. I want nothing to do with that man. His whole existence disgusts me, seeing someone so much like me disgusts me.

But when you look at me with that expression on your face, I cannot help but smile back at you, making a silly comment in return.

I dislike Dazai

I dislike his stupid jokes and his silly behaviour. I dislike how he acts as if he is superior to most other or how he treats them. The way he sees life or his stupid jokes about killing himself makes me hate him. The fact that he sees no reason to be or sees no meaning in this life makes me hate him. The amount of value he gives his own life make me hate him. I hate how relatable he is.

Dazai always found comfort in Sakunosuke Oda and Kunikida Doppo. He trusted both greatly. I hate how fond I feel of those two characters.

He felt saved when next to those two men, as if he had finally seen that small light by the end of the tunnel, a reason to exist, even if just for a little longer. I hate how much he values them even if he had lost all hope in humanity before getting close to them. I hate how I find myself trying to get attached with someone that way.

These two men saved Dazai, they both looked after him, cared about him lots. I hate how I cannot find someone to save me like they saved him..

“Don't call me a Kunikida Kinnie„

But you are. You have your goals in life, you know what you want and what you need to do, what is the best to do. You have your ideals and you follow them strictly, if something gets in the way and it's wrong, if it feels wrong, you end it.

And I'm your Dazai, I'm here, knowing that I don't do all things I should, that I don't make the right decisions. Knowing how wrong all the things I do are and how they will end up hurting both of us. I'm here to try my best just to see that it was never enough, that the progress I thought I was making was false and that we were doomed from the very beginning.

You will try to keep things right and friendly, not make each other even sader and all I will be doing is answering as if I'm fine knowing that I will scream at myself for all the things I did wrong the very same night, without you ever listening them. And I will end up thinking that even if I thought things were different this time, they weren't, that I lost you just like I lost every single thing in my life I ever loved. That it was all my fault for not being good enough for you and that I will cry my eyes out when being alone just to have the power to put a smile on my face and say “im fine„ when someone walkes pass me, or asks me how I am. I will keep thing friendly between us just because I don't want to let go of you, even if I have to, knowing that we were just not meant to be...