Getting Better - Blog Posts
NEW CHAPTER. THE LOST KINGDOM.
New update. Go check it out
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13844769/1/THE-LOST-KINGDOM-winx-club
I don't know how much energy I have left for writing. I'm tired, and maybe this is giving up. Or maybe it's not.
Maybe it's more like sleep (even though I've been sleeping already for far too many years). Like rest, like rain pouring down on hot summer soil.
I'd like to think that way.
But maybe it is giving up.
And that's okay too.
Moving out
I seeall this stuff from my childhood. So many things where I realize, everything I did from my 8yrs old self, was coping.
I had a shitty childhood, but really
With 8 I cut the eyes from old pictures out.
With 9 I drew black over my father in every picture I own of him.
With 10 I wrote in a diary telling it how I hate everyone and everything.
With 12 I got letters from my bullies telling me how worthless I am, I spit in them.
And with 15 I wrote a letter how I will kill myself.
I found this now, cuz I now move out I just realize how bad I actually was. I never fully understood why everyone is so impressed and stunned bymy behavior and casuality about all of this. Until now.
And now I’m sitting here, almost crying, realizing how fucking messed up I was. I am. How fucking good I am at coping and ignoring. How fucking stupid I was thinking I wont get better.
God, I cant fully comprehend the fact that the little girl, destroying her possessions out if anger, trying to kill herself, always mad and angry at the world. The little girl who was insuch a bad spot, was me. Is me idk.
Im still so fucking mad. Still so fucking vulnerable, I never realize how vulnerable, because I well, just keep going, keep living.
Is it a good coping mechanism, stubbornness or just ignorance? Idk all I know is I’ve got better.
My depression and anxiety will never go fully away again. But I’ve got control and freedom.
“So much harm comes into this world when the wrong thing is said. But that’s nothing compared to the pain from what goes unsaid.”
—
Brad Meltzer
(via purplebuddhaquotes)
One of the most challenging things I’ve had to learn is that healing must be intentional. There is no one golden day that comes and saves you from all your misery. Healing is a practice. You have to decide that it’s what you want to do and actively do it. You have to make a habit out of it. Once I learned that, I only looked back to see how far I came.
Hi, I hope you dont mind me asking you, but do you know anything about agoraphobia caused by avpd? Bc I have avpd and am increasingly becoming more and more scared to leave the house, I cant go to school and yet I have to. Im not sure what to do
Hi there! Sure, I’ll share what I’ve figured out.
What is agoraphobia?
This word is often used for “anyone who doesn’t leave their house.” But it’s actually connected to panic disorder. It’s about avoiding panic attacks, or places it’s hard to escape from – where panicking would be especially rough.
People with agoraphobia feel unable to deal with (or cope with, or ride out) their panic and anxiety. Which is why instead, they try to prevent the attacks by avoiding triggers – staying at home.
So here’s how agoraphobia and Avoidant Personality Disorder are linked.
1. They both rely on avoidance, to the exclusion of any other coping mechanism.
Uncomfortable emotions – fear for agoraphobia, shame for AvPD – get the same solution every time: Avoidance. Anytime we feel bad, we avoid more.
If this goes unchecked, all other coping mechanisms gradually fall away and are forgotten. At first, avoidance seems like the only choice that works; later it seems like the only choice that exists.
This is how people get stuck.
2. They both involve anxiety reinforcement due to avoidance.
In short: The more you avoid something, the more you’ll fear it.
This is a huge part of basically all anxiety issues; it’s why anxiety tends to get worse and worse. Here’s a link (TW for eating disorder mention).
If you avoid something for long enough, doing it feels scary, even if it wouldn’t have been scary otherwise. (Ask me how I know!)
This anxiety builds fast, as soon as you start avoiding something. But luckily, when you start doing the thing again, it decreases quickly too.
3. They both result in withdrawing from the outside world.
There’s a definite tendency to stay at home – for AvPD, too. Why?
I think people feel more able to cope with things, when they’re at home:
There’s no extra embarrassment, no need to hide how upset you feel.
Access to most or all of your best coping resources (like distractions).
(for agoraphobia) Fewer adrenaline triggers – the arousal of your nervous system, which is interpreted/experienced as panic.
(for AvPD) Fewer situations where someone will try to connect with you, risking visibility and rejection.
So when you leave home, you have fewer coping resources to use, and you get more stressors to deal with.
4. They’re both about protecting yourself from an uncontrollable emotional experience.
With both disorders, there’s this terror of being defenseless to your emotions.
People with agoraphobia feel helpless to control their anxiety and panic.
People with AvPD feel helpless to control their shame when criticized.
There’s no way to buffer or shield yourself from what you’re experiencing.
You’re at the mercy of your emotions – they seem out of control.
Being unable to trust your emotions is actually traumatic. That’s why in therapy, one of the things people learn is how to cope with and tolerate their feelings. (DBT specializes in this! Here are some basic lessons.)
Components to think about:
Reliance on just avoidance, rather than a flexible variety of coping skills
Neglect of other coping skills, and other areas of your life/identity
Inertia due to anxiety reinforcement (more avoidance = more fear)
Stuff that seems to help:
Learn how to deal with your feelings. If you can, find someone who will teach you DBT, or study it on your own.
In particular, learn to cope with anxiety. For instance:
breath and relaxation practices,
“worst result, best result, most likely result” reasoning,
planning and preparing for likely outcomes,
reframes: “Today I am practicing. No matter what happens, I’m going to learn something from it. So even showing up is a win.”
Find and try lots of different coping techniques. Experiment!
But – you don’t have to choose the perfect method. Often, what helps you get clarity is the act of stopping to do some self-care.
Identify what your big stressors are.
Look for any adjustments or tools to make it more bearable.
Set aside time, before and after, for self-care.
Start observing yourself.
Don’t judge, just take notes about your reactions to things. There’s no good or bad data – it’s all just useful.
This is especially hard but especially helpful during a crisis. It gives you something to do & focus on – so you don’t feel as helpless.
Getting out of the house is so, so difficult when it’s something you haven’t done in a while. I’m in the same boat, and I’m still figuring it out myself.
Hopefully this gives you some clues about what you’re facing & what you need!
Much love <3
Sorry for being vague. Well, I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, but they get irritated and sometimes angry because of my sensitivity and how hard it is for me to approach someone and hold a conversation, or do something simple like order food. They tell me that I need to get over it and act appropriate for my age. I want to talk to them about my AVPD so that they might better understand why I act like this and possibly be able to help, or at least not put as much pressure on me
Thanks so much for clarifying! I’m glad you did, because this turns out to be a very different post than I was planning to write.
First of all, here’s some really good clinical descriptions of Avoidant Personality Disorder: Cleveland Clinic, and DSM.
The most fundamental thing:
You don’t experience the world the same way your parents do.
You live in the same world, of course. But the way you perceive, interpret and experience it, is very different. It’s like your brain applies a different filter.
You have certain specific needs, ones that your parents do not have.
That means they can’t rely on “what works for them” as a guide to what will work for you.
(Further, excellent reading: the Usual Error.)
The fact is, certain things are actually harder for you than for most people. And certain things are actually damaging to you, even though they might not damage others.
It’s a real issue. Your parents need to understand that you can’t turn this off.
It got built-in, which is the whole problem; everything grew around it. It’s integrated with your entire personality and the way you exist in the world.
You can’t choose which parts of your life it affects or doesn’t. By definition, a PD harms almost every aspect of your life, whether you want it to or not.
And this fact doesn’t change just because someone is mad at you or is being inconvenienced by your difficulties.
Becoming un-disordered is a very, very intricate and painstaking process, and it does not happen by force.
Personality disorders are complex.
AvPD is part anxiety disorder, part codependency/boundary problems, part emotional dysfunction; and like other PD’s, it’s viciously self-reinforcing.
(Social anxiety could be a helpful frame of reference for your parents. AvPD is like social anxiety, but different & more complex, so it’s tougher to deal with.)
It is very hard to get out of the PD cycle. That’s why every one of us needs a lot of help before we can find our way out.
Personality disorders mean inflexibility.
Part of that is, we take the same approach to all kinds of different problems. Even when a different solution would work better, we cling to avoidance.
Other people can watch us do the same thing over again, even though it was a disaster the last three times, and wonder why we can’t learn.
It’s not that we don’t know how things “should” be, or how we “should” act. We’re already perfectionists! We don’t need you to tell us.
And when people announce that we’re failing, or point out what we’re doing wrong, or how to do it better, that makes it worse.
It directly feeds our perfectionism, our fear of criticism, and our avoidance.
Knowing doesn’t fix it.
It’s not that kind of problem.
That’s why nobody can “snap us out of it” or make us “get over it.”
What we need is, to be given the chance to heal and grow.
We need to be cared for, accepted, and supported.
People with AvPD especially need help to get out of it. Avoidance keeps us in an ever-tightening loop of limited experiences. And then we have fewer opportunities to try new things; fewer chances to become more flexible.
It’s reallllly hard for us to “accidentally” get better.
Recovering from a personality disorder is a process of slowly untangling all the messed-up stuff in our head, and learning good useful stuff to replace it.
It’s kind of like “remedial” emotional education.
This is where therapy really shines – that’s what it’s for. A therapist can teach you about emotions, how to deal with them, and how to get your needs met.
But even further than that …
The relationship you have with a well-matched therapist is a corrective experience for you.
The things that led to this disorder, whatever they were, happened in the dimension of relating to others. You have emotional learning from that. It can’t be changed by thinking about it, or by willpower.
It has to be overwritten, by a new, healing connection with another human being.
Great therapy can do this. Certain great friendships or other relationships can too, if you approach them consciously and carefully.
But again: This doesn’t happen by accident. Your parents need to know that they can’t just ignore this problem and hope it will go away, because it won’t.
If you’re close to someone with AvPD…
… the very best thing you can do for them is make sure they know that you accept who and how they are; that you support whatever they want to do; and you love them unconditionally – there’s nothing they can do that will end your positive regard for them.
And then, prove it in actions. Even when it is not easy for you to do.
Having one little safe corner in our lives can help us cope, a lot.
And, Anon, that sounds like what you’re asking for. Hopefully, your parents will be patient and sympathetic enough to give that to you. <3
(Some more stuff specifically for/about them, under the readmore.)
So, your parents need to know that this isn’t new.
The fact that you’re only now telling them about it, doesn’t mean it just started happening.
This is a thing that has been there for a very long time. It is your “normal.” The only difference is, now you (and your parents) know there is a name for it.
Denying the name or denying that you have any problems …..isn’t going to remove the problems.
Your parents are probably going to have a lot of feelings about hearing this.
It’s hard to learn that your kid is struggling, that they have a real problem and you can’t make it go away. It is normal to wonder if it’s your fault or try to figure out what you did wrong.
It’s OK to have emotional reactions to this news. Absolutely fine.
But your kid needs you to be present with them right now, and they need you to listen to them, and take them seriously.
They need you to believe them.
If you need to go sort out your own feelings about it before you can do that, tell them so, go do that privately, and then come back to continue the discussion once you’re able to be supportive.
Be patient. Try very hard to be open-minded. Be willing to learn.
It is a huge act of trust for them to tell you about this stuff. Don’t let down that trust. Honestly, you’ll probably never get it back.
Here are some typical reactions when somebody finally gets diagnosed, or discovers there’s a name for what they experience (self-diagnosed).
Understandably, when you find out that your problems are a Real Thing, you’re pretty delighted. And you want to share it with the people close to you.
You are like, “yeah, woo! Finally, there is a name for this! There is vocabulary to express how it feels! There are other people who have this thing too! It’s not uncharted territory! I’m not alone!!!”
And then you are like, “Wait. People have gotten mad at me for the things I’ve done because of this problem, and that wasn’t fair. That hurt me. It wasn’t my fault, and I’m not a bad person. I’m not broken or defective. I’m not lazy. I’m not selfish. I’m doing the best I can to survive my own mind.
“How can they complain about getting splashed from standing next to me, when I’m the one getting the bucket of water dumped on my head?”
These are all, totally normal reactions to finally getting a diagnosis/finding words for what you’re dealing with. They are OK to feel; they’re just feelings, not moral judgments; and they are not anybody’s job to fix.
Generally, there’s two basic things you want to hear from your family.
First: “Wow, I had no idea you were experiencing this. That must have been so difficult and lonely. These issues aren’t your fault, and I never should have blamed you for having a hard time doing things. I’m sorry. What can I do to help you now?”
Second: “I am so happy for you! You’ve had to work so hard just to get by, and now you know the reason. Now you can actually figure out how this works and how to have a life and be happy! This is amazing, we are so proud! Tell us how we can support you so you can have an awesome life!”
And then you tell them what you need, which often comes down to: “Right now I just need to be reassured that you still love me, and then I want to discuss this again once I’ve figured out what to ask for.”
It’s a hard adjustment for a family (or a couple, or whatever) to make. And it’s scary, for everyone.
But if everyone remembers to breathe a little, to not assume the worst, and try listen to each other – you can get through it. And it can turn out to be a really good thing.
Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I'm almost certain I have AVPD and I'd like to explain it to my parents, since they've gotten upset over symptoms of AVPD that I've expressed and I want to tell them why I act like that. But they don't really think that PDs are a thing that exists. so how could I explain it to them so that they understand? thank you in advance !!
Hi there anon!
Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here. The most important is probably:
What you want to accomplish by telling your parents
What your relationship with your parents is like
Would you mind sharing a bit more about the situation?
Going through some medical stuff but trying to stay positive :/
Getting there.
THE NEW LORE STREAM BROKE ME I WILL BE VERY INTO DSMP FOR A LONG LONG TIME
idk what to post so have some old traditional art 😼
“Do it for your future self” a sign hangs in my school
TW self death
Ummm if I do then no more future self
Can you write some Emily x reader sickfic
one with Emily sick and then one with reader sick
one of them ends up in the hospital in one of them
lots of cuddles and forehead kisses maybe even a nice bath(with soft slow orgasm)
Sorry for the late response!
In Sickness and In Health…
Summary: Emily gets sick first, and then, when her girlfriend gets sick too, Emily coaxes her back to health.
Emily Prentiss wasn’t one to go down easily, but when she did, it hit like a freight train. Fever, chills, body aches that made even sitting up feel like a mountain climb. And somehow, her girlfriend Y/N managed to look completely unbothered by the whirlwind she’d stepped into… calm, steady, warm.
“Water,” Emily croaked from beneath a pile of blankets on the couch, and without a word, Y/N was handing her a glass, kneeling beside her with that small, reassuring smile.
“You’re burning up. Drink this, then I’m putting on Sense and Sensibility. You’re due for some emotional regulation,” Y/N teased softly, brushing sweat-damp strands away from Emily’s forehead.
For two days, Y/N became everything Emily didn’t know she needed: soft socks, forehead kisses, cold compresses, soup just the way Emily liked it, blended smooth with way too much pepper. Her favourite tea brewed just right. A heated blanket warmed in the dryer before being wrapped around her. When Emily shivered, Y/N curled up behind her, letting her body heat soothe where words couldn’t reach.
“I’ve got you,” she whispered, every hour, without fail.
And slowly, Emily did get better. But Y/N… didn’t.
Emily knew something was wrong when she woke up to the sound of retching and the unmistakable thud of someone hitting the floor.
“Y/N?” she called, heart racing.
No answer. She threw off the covers and stumbled into the bathroom.
Y/N was collapsed on the cold tile floor, curled in on herself, her skin pale and slick with sweat, breath hitching in shallow, panicked gulps. Her lips were dry and cracked, and her hands trembled uncontrollably.
“Baby… hey, hey,” Emily dropped to her knees beside her, gently turning her over. Y/N’s eyes fluttered open, unfocused. Her voice was barely a rasp.
“You were cold,” she mumbled, confused. “You were so cold—I… I couldn’t find the blankets—” Her body shook violently.
Emily didn’t hesitate. She wrapped her arms around her, holding her steady. “Shhh. You’re burning up, sweetheart. We’re going to the hospital. Stay with me.”
The paramedics came fast. Y/N was too weak to sit up on her own, barely coherent by the time they got her onto the stretcher. Emily held her hand in the ambulance, whispering soft reassurances as machines beeped around them.
At the hospital, Emily stood beside the bed in her sweatpants and hoodie, jaw clenched as the nurses hooked Y/N up to IV fluids and cooling blankets. Her fever had spiked to 40°C, her body drenched in sweat and trembling under the weight of it. Her lips moved now and then, soft murmurs that didn’t make sense, childhood memories, Emily’s name, something about fig trees.
“Is she going to be okay?” Emily asked one of the doctors.
The answer was kind, but cautious. “She’s young and healthy, so we’re optimistic. It’s a nasty viral infection. The fever’s just doing a number on her system. But we’ve got her now.”
Emily didn’t leave the room. She sat on the little reclining chair, feet tucked under her, never taking her eyes off Y/N. She held her hand through the delirium, murmured stories about old cases, about Italy, about their first kiss in the rain outside a jazz bar. She wiped down her forehead every hour and kissed her knuckles when no one was looking.
And when Y/N’s eyes finally focused on her, truly saw her, Emily smiled for the first time in days.
“You came back to me,” she whispered, and Y/N blinked, confused but comforted.
“Where else would I go?”
- - -
The Slow Return to Softness
It had been a week since Y/N came home. She was stronger now, colour back in her cheeks, voice steadier, even if she still got tired walking from the bedroom to the kitchen. Emily didn’t let her lift a finger.
When Y/N asked for a bath, Emily lit candles. Dimmed the lights. Eucalyptus oil in the water, lavender soap on the edge. She helped her undress with slow hands and gentle eyes, not like she was stripping her down, but like she was unwrapping something precious.
She stepped into the tub first and guided Y/N between her legs, letting her lean back against her chest. Emily wrapped her arms around her waist, warm water rippling up over their skin, steam rising around them like a cocoon.
Y/N let out a long, deep sigh. “You make everything better,” she whispered.
Emily pressed a kiss behind her ear. “That’s the plan.”
Silence stretched between them, soft and easy. Then Y/N tilted her head back just slightly, her voice low and hesitant.
“Can I ask for one more thing?”
“Always.”
“I want to… feel good. With you. Nothing fast. Just… soft. Like I’m still here. Still real.”
Emily’s hands tightened gently around her middle. “Okay,” she breathed.
One hand stayed splayed across Y/N’s stomach, the other slid lower, fingers gliding through the warm water, slow and reverent. She didn’t rush. She just touched, gently, rhythmically, as Y/N melted into her, every part of her body relaxing into safety, into closeness.
“You’re okay,” Emily whispered against her neck. “You’re so safe. Let go.”
Y/N whimpered, breath catching, body trembling, not from fever this time, but from the slow, rising tide that Emily coaxed from her with nothing but love. Her head dropped back onto Emily’s shoulder as she came, quiet and soft, a little broken sob of relief leaving her lips.
Emily kissed her temple, her jaw, her cheek. Held her through the aftershocks. Didn’t move a muscle as the water stilled around them.
They stayed like that long after, Emily gently washing Y/N’s skin, arms wrapped around her, soft hums low in her throat, like a lullaby for the woman she adored.
IM CLEANING MY DEPRESSION ROOM !!!
of topic but i love 8:11
mindset shift that changed my perspective on the journey to reaching my goals
1. words have power instead of seeing your efforts as strict discipline, begin to view them as acts of devotion to yourself and your dreams. your goals are a labor of love, not a chore. you don’t NEED to be disciplined, you need to be LOVINGLY devoted to yourself.
2. honor your goals devotion IS love and when you are devoted to something, you care deeply about it. applying this to your goals means you are treating them with the proper respect and love, not just as tasks to be checked off. it is not hard work, it is self love.
3. stop trying to follow others their path isn’t your path & what worked for them probably won’t work for you. cater your daily goals to YOU. don't follow their exact diet & add your favorite healthy food to it, eat it in your favorite plate, make a ritual out of it. honor it.
4. embrace failure have ambitious goals but don’t punish yourself for not achieving them. aim high, and if you fail, reflect on why. adjust what didn't work. failure is a part of the journey, not the end of it. with devotion, you see failure as a step forward, not a setback.
5. taking accountability instead of punishing yourself if you ruined your diet today, sit with your actions and allow yourself to feel those emotions, including any shame. but then, be kind to yourself and move on. stop fearing that you will fail again and trust yourself.
6. believe in yourself. this method works because it builds self-confidence. the more you practice & succeed, the more you trust yourself. by being devoted to your life, things just fall into place. *i’m not afraid of failure bc i know that, in the end, i will succeed as I always do.*
7. doing the hard things isn't hard do the hard things because your future self will thank you for it. be a gentle caregiver to yourself and give yourself the best. facing challenges that lead to rewards isn't just difficult, it's simply what you deserve for your devotion.
8. start implementing things you love into the hard things. don't like going on a walk? find something that you like about the place you go to. i personally pick flowers for my room. go visit a monument. go shopping. instead of feeling guilty about enjoying a non planned meal, allow urself to enjoy it by making an event out of it. go to a beautiful place, eat it & get something productive done. replace the guilt w/ productivity.
9. reflect on your progress after succeeding realize that the thing you dreaded doing has become a pleasant activity that you now look forward to. keep doing it. watch yourself become the person that you have always wanted to be.
10. research goes a long way. when studying a particular subject that isn't of your particular interest at the moment start reframing it as working on your own self concept and self mythology. knowledge is power. become interested by it, everything has value. and make the space you study in beautiful.
Just some sketches. I have no clue what that octopus-looking thing is, so don’t ask.😅
I’m kind of new to drawing and still trying to find my art style, so… yeah. Could do better.
To the broken world,
And the broken heart,
Pick up your shattered fragments
And piece them together
Slowly,
Gently,
Kindly,
Though careful
Not to fetch harm
While healing.
Reorganization
Panic attacks at night
Swollen eyes, crusty lips
Fear of existence
Coating my red face in tears
Shivers shaking my body
I’m a loser
“Come here”
Sudden relaxation
My hand clinging to the pocket on the front of your hoodie
“It’s okay, don’t worry”
Forehead kisses
Careful strokes over my back
Calming my breath
“I’m sorry”
“For what?”
“Dragging you into this mess”
“I don’t mind your mess, I’m here to reorganize”
I realized that it got better when I finally found the courage to put my phone on silent over night for the first time
Not waiting for your usual 3am call anymore, like the ones I always got when we were still together
I’ll realize that I’m even better when I’ll get to sleep trough my first night without waking up, checking whether you called or not
I’m still proud of myself
One day, I’ll be able to be even prouder
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
11) stuffies I don't care how old you are (you could be 95 for all I care) they need snuggles.
12) friends, family, acquaintances, neighbors, a person you met once everything we do is remembered and effect people we don't realize you will be missed
13) yummy snacks
14) gotta outlive one peice
15) hobbies I don't care what your skill level is I admire you for having something you put time into and adore
16) your favorite show
17) to prove the people who said nasty things about you wrong
18) to get your age father away from a cringe phase you had as a kid
19) a new favorite thing that hasn't come out yet
20) for recognition to be a role model someone strong who went through a hard thing
REASONS NOT TO END IT ALL:
1) all the unreleased songs from your favourite artist
2) all the dogs and cats waiting to be loved by you
3) GOTTA OUTLIVE THE HATERS
4) THE HATERS GONNA BE HAPPY IF YOU DIE
5) potatoes. boil them, mash them, fry them up till golden and crispy
6) we got 2 more fnaf movies to go
7) dr. pepper
8) you have so many hugs left to give and get
9) you might eat your favourite meal tomorrow
10) keep telling yourself “not today.” one day you won’t have to.
please, REBLOG + ADD MORE REASONS!