Hate Myself - Blog Posts

I was sick last week, and that gave me the opportunity to waste all my time on reading and writing and thinking...

Now im just simply feeling like I might cry in any second, I'm tired of school, tired of everyone, especially myself, and i can't focus on anything.

I fcking hate myself for it, because I have really important exams and events coming up and I don't even have a reason to feel this way.

I know the problem is with me, but I can't help it, I might just give up at this point.

never thought i’d watch gentle torture aftercare but here we are-

me as a kid wanting to be tall enough to see myself in the mirror.

me now crying and feeling sick when I look in the mirror.

i do not know who i can talk to anymore

I was like damn. (Still feeling fat) (it didn’t change anything)

"It's your voice, it's your face, it's even your clumsiness All of it... Now I know I hate them all"

- 優里 Dried Flower, Yuuri

Dear friend, dont try to explain me why you think he likes me secretly, beacause I know that he doesn't. I love him, which is the reason I know you dont treat someone you love like the way he treat me.

Life is my own fiction world

I know my live isn't a manga shojo. Its not like when he kiss you unexpectedly and the tension is high and you know they are going to get together at the end. But I was just at that page where the tension was high but you run away from my story like if death was chasing after you. That kiss was life chaging for me but you decided it to be your biggest mistake. I was your biggest mistake.

Meaning

I hope you be happy with her even if I dont mean it. I want to see you cry and suffer as much as I do. That its what I meant to say. I'm sorry...

The way I did.

I thinks its the last time I will fall for you. You did really meet another girl. I hate to be the one to keep your secret safe. It would be better if you didnt trust me, like friends. Cause its what we are, just friends. I'm trying to cope with a broken heart and looking at you knowing that you are kissing her cheeks, sniffing her hair and hugging her from behind, just like you did to me but I promise you, she will never shiver at your touch nor smile or love you the way I did.

Friends you say...

I don't want to keep living in this world, it's just so dificut. It's difficult and tiring to interact with people, I even forget that I'm breathing, I'm gasping for air while I drow in this city full of people that will keep living their lives without a care even if I'm gone. I haven't talk to that person yet. But they haven't tried to reach me either so maybe there won't be a difference when I'm gone.

Betrayal...

I feel so betrayed by my friends, by the guy I love. They make me feel like I am crazy and I am overreacting EVERYTHING.

Also another friend told me that she talked to another friend. He said to her that he told to the guy I like that indeed, I had a crush on him. And that was like almost a year ago. So yeah I don't know how to feel.

It was so time along but to think they knew about all this and I was you know so stupid kind in love and so hecking blind, by God, it make me so frustrated I can't be mad at anyone of them even if it mean they hurt me. Ignorance is bliss indeed. I can't express neither tell anyone cause for them this happend a year ago but this is just happen today. I want to cry with someone.

I shouldn't have told that

I don't who should I talk to...Cause I always have this conversation with the same person.

I regret again, my eyes hurt, I can't breath, I can't scream even when it's the middle of the night and there is no one around.

I shouldn't have told you what the person I think you would date, And my word agh : "She would be thin, with dark straight hair, more small than you are", and I don't look like that.

I don't even know why I say that. I am regretting every second you sounded happy for someone it's not me.

I want to move on, but I'm afraid there is not gonna be anyone like you...

Are we friends with benefits???

Here I'm again in the void of my deep and darkest thoughts. No, like really.

Now situation at hand

I am getting bullied by all my classmates and closest friends, cause our PDA is way too strong, like its not that intimate or so he says, but he said we are just friends, doing friends things, like what?? I thought we were getting out of the friend zone. I am now worriend about his definition of friendly skinship and friendly touch.

I just love the way you hold me, you sometimes treat me coldly but you'r arms say otherwise, is like being in the warmest blanket at the coldest day of my life. I love you'r scent is a weird but comfortable smell between laundry soap and your natural scent. I love the way you kiss my temple when I'm felling blue. I hate myself for loving those things. Which lend me guessing if loving you for those things makes me hate my self, then should I stop loving you?

My friends always tell me that you look like you like me, but they also are confused as I am, cause sometimes you look comfortable enough to be a couple and sometimes I am headache to you

So we can't hold hands cause thats couples do, but you can kiss my cheeks sweetly and hug me from behind, touching me carefully like if you were looking for the sweetest spot to rest your hands and face. OK LOL