Im Not Fine - Blog Posts

“sorry haha, i was just seeking attention.”

in which phillip shows up on vincent's doorstep covered in monster goo and they have realizations

Sick

It’s a (probably non correct) anatomy of myself.

Two weeks coughing like crazy (lungs), pain in my collarbone/chest (ribs), I’m stressed (heart, neck veins), sad (crook of elbow; idk why), slow to think (mental functions), too sensible (sensory area), forgetting people and things (image recognition), not eating as I should and very very anxious (stomach).

Geez, it’s annoying me.

Do u ever get it where your crashing out on yourself at a table and the someone comes up and PLACES THEIR HAND ON YOUR BACK. LIKE, SIR I DID NOT ASK TO BE TOUCHED WHY DID YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME??? any way this happened to me and it kinda made the crash out worse, but it only happened like, 10 minutes ago😁 I'm fine!

I'm Not Fine

How many times a day does someone ask you “how are you” or ”how are you doing” in a day?

And how many times do you say “I’m fine. Thanks. How are you?”

People don’t want a real answer when they ask you. It’s just a greeting, no one wants to know. And how many people would actually care if you gave them a real answer?

I’m not fine. I just say I’m fine because I don’t really want to say “I’m not gonna kill myself but I’m not okay.” So I just put on a fake smile, nod my head, and say what the socially acceptable script says to say.

I can’t think of a time when I was genuinely fine or okay. I just...exist.

Then one day, I just felt like I was drowning.

This all came from me realizing I’m a person I don’t like. That I never liked. I always said I would change. Said I wanted to change. I can’t even count how many times I said “today is the day”, the day has never come. I always never truly me. I was always what people wanted me to be. Always the girl who played it safe, never got out of my comfort zone. I never spoke up.

I fantasized about what it would be like to be anyone but me. Maybe because I never met me. Whenever I have let me shine through just a bit, it seems people don’t like her. Make jokes about her. Even my family. It's just a continuous hell loop in my head.

I think people just want others to be like the “average” person. People say it’s okay to be different, they tell you that everyone is free to do what they want, but the second someone turns their back, that’s a different story. “She clearly gained weight”, “her skirt is too short, the bitch is asking for something to happen”, “what was she thinking about when she got her hair done”, “eww, does she even know how to do her eyebrows?”

Why is it like this?

Why is it when someone finally shows that they do something completely normal, people are shocked just because it was done in public. They act like they don’t do the same things behind closed doors.

I’m just tired of not being the me I always wanted to be. I’m going to try now. I’m going to seriously try to be me and not what people want me to be or expect me to be.

She is now my past. I made the decision that she is dead. It doesn’t mean I’m not going to miss her in one way or another but I now know I don’t feel like I’m being drowned or can’t breathe.

I’m scared but relieved.

I finally feel as free.