Left Out - Blog Posts
I think I'm more inclined to help my freinds and such than they are to help me. Even if it is paranoia that leads it I fel like I always ask if there okay when there off and try my best to help writing them essays and tips on how to help getting them to talk to me and coaching then through it but I can't remember the last time any of them matched that kind of care. I feel shitty for saying it, but after a while, you start to notice these things. I'm not very inclined to ask for help, and the few times I have done, I just apologised every single time, but even simply having someone acknowledge that you're not okay still feels quite nice. Amd whats worse is that im never okay Ive seemed to say this many times and yet no one cares to respond but for once in my life I want somone watching there tone, making sure they seem happy and going out of there way to not upset them and constantly asking if there okay to me. For once, I want to feel like they care for me as much as i care for them. Even just once.[Not my art]
I've never been good with reaching out to people but I finally had my group and I thought that I had found my people
But then time after time as soon as there were other people there it was like I didn't exist anymore and I'm so fucking tired
Is it really so selfish of me to want to feel important for once
Like damn I do everything I can for these people and when I haven't reached out in over a week nobody cares
Nothing changes and they move on without me and then when I finally suck it up and go back because I'm a whore for any sort of attention no matter how fleeting they will act like it's just a silly little thing that I did
I can't stand being alone I can't be alone with myself anymore
But they make me feel so goddamn pathetic
"Weird one out"
— Forgetting one's true self to find friendship.
There's something so sad about being alone, for the sole reason that you were different. You just can't seem to fit in, you try to blend in, compete in competitions to be seen, butt into group discussions, and replacing your humor and true self to be seen, heard, and most importantly; to avoid being left out.
"You're weird."
They laugh at you, of course as a joke. They think you're quirky, a bit out of place, and awkward. You're funny to them, you're finally seen, but as a joke. It's a bitter moment for you but that's okay, it really is. It's okay because they're friendly now, right? You're their friend now, you're a part of them, all you have to do is to be funny because that's what they want from you. You need to act on this comedic persona so you'll finally have friends, don't worry they'll eventually see who you truly are once they're comfortable with you.
But they don't.
Who the hell are you kidding? You're just a casual friend to them— no, you're just an acquaintance. Oh well, you'll find other groups to try and fit in, and then you did! The kids behind class are just as quirky as you so that means they'll understand, right? With the first few you weren't so lucky but this time is different. They're different, just like you.
But they don't like you.
You don't exactly fit their archetype of what is "quirky". Unfortunately you don't fit the aesthetic they were hoping for. Even to the smaller groups you don't fit in, because they've made up their minds on who and what they are as a person. They don't know the true you since you put up too many faces to hide what's beneath, you're weird not because you're you, but because you don't even know who you are anymore.
Everyone knows you differently, in the pursuit to find companionship you've created too many faces for only one body. Which one is your true face? Do you even know yourself anymore?
It's so lonely out here.