I grew up being told to hug family I didn't want to and was low-key treated like a doll to be dressed up/act however they wanted. No input from lil ol me.
I love cuddling but get overwhelmed really easily, so it's easier to just say I don't like being touched; but that's not true! I just don't want to push someone away and hurt their feelings so I just say I don't like it. I feel intrinsically guilty at expressing boundaries, but also know that they are important and have improved on doing it anyway. Physical affection and compliments are incredibly hard for me to accept and I get nauseated whenever being told positive things. It was always a manipulative tactic (and some people in my life are still like that). Now I have a very strict touching boundary. I'm proud I can do that for myself, but I do wish I could just cuddle on the couch with someone in a platonic way, and then get away from them without it being a big deal. I'm sensitive to smell, touch, lights, and sound like a LOT. So many people have gotten butthurt about me not liking their perfume or being uncomfortable when they get in my bubble. I give good eye contact, but responding to things is tough for me. I give a lot of thumbs up like 🙂👍 and some people think it's a disrespect thing. It ain't, I swear! If I don't know how to respond, I have no issue saying that! Like "I don't know how you want me to respond" or "Very nice".
It gets tiring constantly having to justify myself to myself, let alone to other people. Like yes, I don't wanna handshake, high-five, or hug. No, I actually don't know how to keep conversing with you or respond to your joke, I'm sorry. Especially since I work with customers all day, I get a lot of backward moments bc I can't always get the tone when someone is actually upset or joking, so I do a lot of head tilts or "very nice" and "no problem" And some people do NOT like that at all, others get embarrassed on my behalf. Doesn't help that I wear a mask, but I mask less when I'm wearing it (ironic I know)
Anyway, I'm good 😂
Do you ever feel like you're alone? But then you get trapped inside your own head to prevent you from blowing a fuse, crying, etc?
Because I'm like that. I'm afraid to connect with others, although I have friends, I can't tell them anything about how I feel because I'm afraid it'll be used against me or they'll tell someone.
So, instead, I play out different versions of the same scenario in my head while listening to music so I can get some closure. (And sometimes it works)
I think of different versions so then when, or rather if I tell my friends or family, I can prepare myself for how they may respond.
It never really works, but I do it anyway because I've made it a habit. And I hate it and love it at the same time.
I hate it because it's time-consuming and most people will likely call me crazy.
And I love it because I feel safe.
It's a bad habit to get yourself into, but I'm doing it, and I don't know how to stop. Furthermore, I'm going to try and better myself, priorize myself better, respect myself as well as others, try to open up more, and distract myself from being stuck in my own head.
It's gonna be hard and a long process, but I'm willing to do it.