Vent Tw - Blog Posts
I feel bad for the non-cult friends I have sometimes because they always ask "How are you :) ?" so innocently. They say they genuinely want to know cause I hold back, and it's nice to have that support. Still, it feels bad to always have a new horrible thing happen that's shaken you.
Sure I'm growing so much as a person and I love that, but I'm also dealing with my parents increasingly abusive behavior and struggling to organize my escape plan. All anyone can really do is say "It will get better!" Truely I believe that too, yet I still have to suffer now and I cant make myself ignore it anymore. I'm tired of being miserable no matter what I do. Everything that can be done has been, so now I helplessly flounder.
Even to this blog, it feels bad to not offer any insight or clear hope. I've seen so many people in similar situations who aren't lucky enough to know they should be done with this in less than a year. I just wish it would stop hurting...
love how I post this and then instantly the next day relapse
me looking round the classroom, hoping no one saw me flinch when the teacher started shouting
What would yall do if you had a younger sibling who hates you, calls you fat and smelly, pretends you don’t exist, hits you, calls you names, and is alltogether toxic but you still have to live with them?
Am I in the wrong for giving them the cold truth and saying that this is how they’re going to lose friends? That some of the people I know have lost friends for being this way?
I don’t know what to do about them anymore. And then my momma is yelling at being for being rude to them. Like, they’re being worse to me. I get that it’s wrong, but she never addresses their horrible behavior.
And she gets mad at me for being in my room all day, on my devices. Like, Im sorry, but I don’t want to be around people who treat me like that. This place and many others are my escapes. None of my friends or family know about this account. (Exception of one sweet girl, @celestiva, we love her <3) and this really is my sweet escape from life.
Sorry for venting. I usually stay away from this type of stuff, but it’s been eating me alive.
I wrote some poetry about autism when I was younger but now looking back on it I don't think I really liked acknowledging the fact that I was disabled by my autism. If anything I was desperate to prove how undisabled I am and now that I'm older and having more frequent meltdowns I'm starting to think I have some sort of complex around accepting the fact that I am in fact developmentally disabled
We had a presentation on fentanyl recently
It made me think about a lot. My grandmother. My mother. Myself
Because of my nervous system dopamine deficiencies I have a higher chance of becoming an addict than most
Even if a drug is barely laced with Fentanyl it can and will probably kill you in an instant
I made a promise to not do drugs of any kind. I plan on keeping that promise
But shit man a 14 year old with ADD dies because he tried to take drugs to relax his symptoms and then dies less than two weeks after getting his hands on said drugs will fuck with me forever
I'm terrified I'm going to gain. I was fasting for about 24 hours but I decided to do OMAD instead of continuing fasting but dinner was Tatortot casserole (Tatortots, GF cream of mushroom soup, canned chicken, Mexican blend shredded cheese, Colby shredded cheese, and a little bit of salsa on top) and I counted it as 600 (I had a little over 1/8 of it all) but I think it might be more like 1,500... Should I just count it as 1,500 instead of 600 or at least as 1,200? I'm legitimately terrified that eating this one thing is going to make me gain 3 pounds overnight...
i wish there was a place where i could talk about how having cancer when i was fucking 5 fucked me up without someone saying i’m brave. i don’t care that i’m brave. my entire life has been fucked since the day i got diagnosed. stop fucking pitying me. being brave doesn’t mean anything anymore, it has the same effect as someone saying something about the weather. being brave isn’t shit.
If they ever ask you if you want to do college during highschool
Dont, it's a terrible idea mental health wise
I think I'm going to be sick...
Real ass conversation I just had with my mother...
My mom: *searching google for black mold allergy bc she has a cough* so the AI says-
Me: wait what-
My mom: ?
Me: don't listen to that
My mom: I've been listening to it for the past week it's fine
Me: ... you can't trust that stuff, just go to the MAYO clinic link
My mom: but that's where the AI gets the information
Me: no, it's an amalgam of different people's posts from websites like twitter. It doesn't know where it's getting it or what it's doing. You can't trust it. You can't trust any AI
My mom: ...I'm not anti-AI you know
Me: ...
My mom: It's like this with every new invention. It's going to help us
Me: How?
My mom: It'll help with the medical industry. It can cure cancer and help with autism
Me: How?
My mom: ...it will
Me: Where are you getting this information from?
My mom: that's just what I thought in my head
Me: *facepalming* ok that's not at ALL what people have been using it for
My mom: y'know...
Me: ?
My mom: it generated an accurate picture of Jesus...
Me: ????? Have you been playing around with this???
My mom: AI is everywhere, you can't get away from it
Me: That picture is just artist's interpretations that real people made that the AI mashed together. It's disrespectful to the original artists. Just like the generated search answer. Do you know what it's costing us? Our water.
My mom: Our water?? How??
Me: It's a massive energy user. Just another climate destroyer like any other factory. All for what?
My mom: I think we need a higher intelligence thing.
Me: Humans cannot create a higher intelligence like this. Just because it's an amalgam of many people's thoughts and recommendations doesn't make it smarter than us.
My mom: ...
Me: please just go to the MAYO clinic
My mom: fine
She'll keep using the AI answer though... I know it.
I'm a visual artist and my mother "trusts AI"...
I want to fucking die.
Please don't hate on her though... she's just... confused...
Personal vent under the cut. Don't expect to understand anything, I needed to settle an argument I've been having with my own brain. Don't worry, everything is ok now...
"Wow, did you see that freak monster hurt that person? God, what a creep... that person's DEFINITELY scarred for life!"
"I did... I hate people like that."
"Oh really? Funny of you to say that because well, y'know... you're kind of like them, aren't you?"
"I'm nothing like them. I wouldn't hurt anyone, let alone to that degree of awful."
"Nothing? You're literally the same category of freak."
"I am no such thing. I don't take advantage of other people. My moral compass is intact. I know how that person they hurt feels, it's happened to me too. I would defend them with my-"
"That person would hate you if they knew the kind of freak you were. You're just like that freak who hurt them."
"We may both be freaks but I-" "So you admit it then?"
"Let me fini-"
"You're just another monster. You may not see it now, but just you wait."
"I made a promise to never-"
"You're just making excuses for yourself."
"No-"
"You should apologize."
"For what? I've done nothing, I've only done is everything to not become a mon-"
"Doesn't matter. Your freaky little existence begs for forgiveness."
"I- I-"
"What? What? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?"
"I'm sor-"
"So you admit you're a monster in need of forgiveness"
"I never sai-"
"You don't deserve it. You may be 'innocent' now, but just you wait... just you wait, little freak."
"I hate how you twist things around. I hate how you manipulate me, telling me things I don't wan't to hear."
"Even if they may be... the truth~?" "IT'S NOT THE TRUTH. YOU'RE JUST HORRIBLE. ALL YOU SAY ARE THINGS TO MAKE ME MISERABLE. HONESTLY, BETWEEN THE TWO OF US, THE MONSTER HERE IS YOU. NOT ME, YOU."
"Sounds like someone's having a hissy fit. Do you hear yourself yelling like a stupid little child?" "BECAUSE IF I DON'T YELL, YOU TALK OVER ME. I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW, SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP. FROM FREAK TO FREAK, I MAY BE A FUCKING FREAK BUT I WILL UNLEASH HELL AGAINST THE AMORAL, AGAINST THE RANCID CANCER BEINGS RAMPAGING THIS LOVELESS EARTH. I DON'T CARE IF I'M SHOVED INTO A CATEGORY OF FREAK SHARED WITH THESE CANCER BEINGS. I DON'T CARE IF THAT PERSON HATES ME BECAUSE I'M SHOVED INTO THAT BOX. I'M FIGHTING FOR THAT PERSON REGARDLESS. I KNOW WHO I AM. I KNOW WHO I AM. I KNOW WHO I AM. I AM NOT THE MONSTER YOU SAY I AM."
"...heh."