anazen333

Latest Posts by anazen333

Hot Take on (Disney live action) Beauty and the Beast

Probably not much of a hot take, but I think Luke Evans should have played the Beast in the live action B&B. Can you imagine him taking that himbo persona he had in the first part of the film and doing that with the Beast?

“Hmmm…how to get Belle to love me. Wait, she likes books? I have a whole three foot story library! I’m gonna give her the library! …But what if that doesn’t work? Better have a backup plan. Girls like chocolates and flowers right?”

Proceeds to give Belle the library and when she’s thrilled he not so subtly chucks the backup items out a window.

Back in the day…

…at the dawn of the internet, there were authors that got mad at people for writing fan fiction of their work. To the point where they would send lawyer backed cease and desist notices.

Which to me is such a strange response.

For many reasons, some (but not all) being: they (the author) thought they could control the masses, shouldn’t they be flattered that people like their work so much they want to be part of the stories in some small way, and it’s basically free publicity why would they shut down free publicity?

I have a feeling that it came down to money. Which is still illogical. Because:

Author: How dare you profit from my hard work!

Fanfic writers: But we’re not??? We’re posting it on the internet for FREE

Being AuDHD means I have sensitivity when it comes to food. To the point where growing up I was considered (in a negative way) to be a picky eater. To the point where I was shamed and borderline traumatized for it.

I also grew up in a household that insisted that no food should go to waste. That meant tons of tiny portions being saved in the fridge (should also be noted that leftovers give me the ick for reasons I can’t articulate - and now I realize I have no obligation to do so). It also meant food that was bought on a whim would stay in the house for YEARS.

As an adult, it’s taken me quite a bit of time to realize that just because something was done a certain way in my parents house, does not mean that I, as a grown adult with her own home, have to do it that way as well.

Which means, if I went out of my way to treat myself to stuff from Trader Joe’s (which is quite a feat given where my nearest stores are located and the very poor parking situations each one has), and got a bunch of food there but ended up either getting an upset stomach from it or just not liking how it tasted, I am under no obligation to keep said food.

Did I end up wasting money on that trip? Yes. Did I end up wasting food because of it? Yes. But is it my obligation to keep said food in the house despite the fact that I’m the only person living there and will never eat it? No. And should I feel guilty for throwing it away? Maybe a little? But only for a few minutes. Because it’s certainly not something I should lose sleep over. Of all the moral conundrums going on in my life, this one should not be causing me anxiety, especially when I have so many other things I get to be anxious about.

Part of my ND healing journey is about learning to be kinder to myself, because I’ve spent my life trying to be accommodating to people’s perspective on how I should live MY LIFE.

I’ve been made to feel that MY WANTS, MY NEEDS, are not correct and thus not acceptable. That I shouldn’t be allowed to listen to my body and make decisions based on what it tells me, even if those choices seem wrong to someone else.

My life, my rules.

And as long as I’m not putting myself or someone else in danger, people should just accept that and BACK OFF.

“You want me to spend money? Fine! Let’s go spend an insane amount of money!”

“Where are we going?” ^_^

“To a BOOKSTORE!”

“…” -_-

(A man gives me unlimited funds, I’m buying a library)

[This was originally for just Sylus, but I got caught up in the moment and now its kinda dramatic, so this could apply to Rafayel.]

He keeps trying to make us use his black card, but he doesn't understand why we aren't buying expensive jewelry, or fancy clothes.

Instead were using it for mundane shit like groceries.

Then he confronts us on why there are only a few small purchases when he literally has MILLIONS.

"You have an unlimited card, and refuse to use it..."

"No I'm using it."

"Not anything substantial."

"What, food isn't substantial to you? I'm using to pay for amenities so I can save up for the more taxing items."

"I gave it to you so you could use it for the more expensive items! In fact, you could even use it to pay for the 'amenities' and still have enough left over to buy a nice summer home!"

"I don't need a summer home!"

"My point is you could buy anything! Jewelry, name brand clothing, if you want food you could buy from somewhere nicer! Instead I have a purchase on my card for an 'Auntie Anne's Pretzels...?'"

"First off, their Pretzels are amazing. Second, I dont want anything fancy! I can't wear jewelry on the job and have no where else to wear such gaudy clothing, not to mention all of those NaMe BrAnD clothes are ugly!"

"Couldn't you at least try getting more expensive tastes?"

"My expensive tastes are junk food and plushies! I have no need for jewelry or bougie shit like you!"

"You could get a million plushies! Or even a custom cake!"

"I dun wannaaaaa!!! I don't need a million plushies! I don't even have the space for that many- and no I'm not buying a summer home- and why would I get a custom cake if it's not for something special?? What you want me to buy a cake with lattice work and marbling that just says 'Congrats! You got out of bed today!'"

"If that's what you wanted; YES! I have more than enough for you to buy a whole mall!"

"I don't need nor want an entire mall!! I just wanted to buy some beef for stew!!!"

"Not even a steak?"

"No!!"

"Then I'll just buy all of jewelry and clothes for you!"

"I have nothing expensive I want!! I just wanted to have stew!"

He's just pinching the bridge of his nose and trying to calm down. This is not only the first time he's given his card to someone and they not rack up a bill. But also the first time hes gotten THIS upset.

"At the very least, tell me you didn't look at the price."

"I did not-"

"Oh thank the gods!"

"Because I already knew it would less than $100."

He feels like he just got punched in the gut. He has to leave the room and cool off before he comes back, grabs us by the wrist and pulls us outside.

"Where are we going?"

"Somewhere expensive."

"But I don't-"

"Sh! Just... Let me have this..."

Scientists like to say the body communicates in ways we’re only beginning to understand. And to that I say (insert explicative of your choice). Maybe that’s true for men, but it’s not true for women-or at least this woman.

Once a month my reproductive organs get mad at me for not being used to their fullest potential. They squeeze my insides until I feel like I’ve been punched by a buffalo, and then send a river of strawberry jam out of a very awkward place to have a stain.

And they do that because they’re not communicating with my brain and whatever organ holds the soul-probably one of those weird ones like the pancreas that we don’t really know what it does.

And if the reproductive organs would just talk to the brain and spleen, then they would know that we’re not anywhere close to having a baby. So stop wasting valuable blood that the brain could be using to write the next great literary hit! We could have had a movie and then a Netflix series remake by now if you had stopped forcing us to lose on average 84 days of the year and several hundred dollars worth of pads and pills and chocolate!

And with all that film money we could have been financially stable enough and relaxed enough to make several babies. But no, reproductive organs, you have to be focused on the short term. You think we’re going to somehow get pregnant at any moment and you need to be prepared. But how is that going to happen when you also give us PMS in addition to the week long shark fest?

Basically, reproductive organs, the only one you should be blaming for your abilities being wasted is you. Don’t take it out on me.

Tell Shonda you want more scenes of Nicola

https://chng.it/9W2rWwgjHY

Done! I don’t know how much better those deleted scenes are but fingers crossed this at least gets the message across that fans aren’t happy.

No healing for this curvy girl in Bridgerton season 3 (slight spoilers)

I was so looking forward to this season and seeing a woman with curves get honest to goodness romantic sex scenes.

For so long the sex scenes with curvy girls in film have been shown with a tone of humor or disgust or pity.

And Bridgerton season 3 was supposed to change all of that. Except it didn’t. Not for me, anyway.

Because while other Bridgerton heroines have been stripped clean of their clothes, with their entire body on full display, Penelope was not.

In all her scenes she was never completely undressed save for one brief moment that isn’t even shown fully. We get one quick glimpse of her glorious bosom and then she delegated to being covered up with a blanket. Colin goes so far as to pull the blanket to cover her up more at one point!

We don’t get to see her beautiful curves. They’re continuously hidden like it’s a shameful thing to show a woman whose waist isn’t small, with a stomach that jiggles, thighs that don’t fit neatly in a man’s hands, and breasts that aren’t small and perky.

What I got out of Bridgerton season 3 is that yes, you curvy girls can have a love interest who isn’t also plus size, but only because he thinks you’re interesting, not because you’re beautiful. And yes, being interesting is going to last longer than beauty, but is it too much to ask to be both?

It seems even today on a super progressive show, the answer is still “yes”.

I hate my reproductive organs so much.

I don’t want kids. Never have, never will.

And for once, I’m convinced my body actually understands that (though it doesn’t seem to bother learning anything else going on with my personal wants).

So in a show of passive aggression for not being used to their fullest potential, my periods tend to be bad. Either I’m in a ton of pain, or I’m bleeding so much it looks like someone got murdered in my bathroom.

But for the past two months, I haven’t had my period. And rather than be worried, I was ecstatic. I was actually hoping my uterus had shriveled up to the point where I’d never have a period again!

And then the week of a major event started, and my organs were like, “oh, you have a ten day trip with your family happening in the next few days? That seems like the perfect time to BLEED.”

Touché, reproductive system. But I’m still not having babies.

Things I didn't realize I could do despite NOT being Posh/Rich

Namely because I grew up not seeing it done in my own family so assumed I wouldn't ever be able afford to, or that was a class rule thing that I wasn't allowed to break lest I be perceived as a social climber or inadvertently saying I'm better than my peers.

Yay my Autistic black and white logic.

Since coming to these realizations, whole new levels of joy have opened up in my life.

(In no particular order)

#1 - Trimming my nails so they were all the same length on each finger and both hands

I’m honestly not sure what made me think I couldn’t trim my nails so they were all the same length. I grew up seeing adult women in my circle have uneven nails on their hands vs posh women with professionally manicured hands so maybe my mind just made the correlation. I always thought that the even nails were so elegant and wished my could be even too, but the women in my family didn’t care about manicures, and to be fair, I didn’t and still don’t like wearing nail polish, so even if I had worked up the nerve to ask for a manicure, I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it.

But then one day when I was in my teens, I randomly, from the corner of my eye, watched a bit of some tween animated show (maybe Bratz?) and one of the girls broke a nail and then went on about how now she was going to have to trim all the other ones to match. And my mind was blown.

I realized then that having my nails all different lengths upset me. It didn’t matter if one or two of them had grown in very nicely if they didn’t match the rest. In fact, I was perfectly happy with them all being trimmed to the nubs if it meant they were all the same length.

I still have yet to get a professional manicure and I still don’t like painting my nails. I tend to keep my nails fairly short because I do martial arts and bake and gardening so having them short is practical. And having them all even makes me happier than a few of them looking elegant.

#2 - Having matching sets of themed underwear

As a teen and into my twenties, my bras never matched my underwear. Because I was raised on the kind of underwear you get in large packs. My mother openly scoffed at the pantie displays, saying pantie was such a vulgar term, and from the media it seemed wearing matching sets of underwear was reserved for “the bedroom”. Whenever I passed by a Victoria’s Secret, I’d see the piles of lace and my good Christian girl brainwashing had me roll my eyes and tell myself that I was better than the uncouth masses for not wearing such highly sensual underwear since obviously one only wore it if one was expecting to have intercourse with a man.

And then I discovered matching socks weren’t just a fashion statement limited to men.

Socks growing up had also followed the same rule as purchasing underwear - cheap and in bulk. But then I got several ballet flats and realized my normal socks were not going to go well so I got several pairs of cute floral socks to match with my outfits.

I also had been going to therapy recently and had started lifestyle changes like going to taekwondo three times a week and incorporating more healthy foods into my diet (I’m still pretty picky because most healthy foods aren’t safe foods for me, but smaller changes like using 100% whole wheat bread and drinking 2% milk have helped a lot).

Long story short, I was feeling more positive and comfortable and confident in my body and treated myself to some new clothes. Because I had also discovered Torrid - a clothing store that designs clothes specifically for women like me.

And after get a new wardrobe, the likes of which I never thought I’d get to have because all the cute clothes everywhere were too small for me, I realized I didn’t need a reason besides wanting to feel pretty to buy matching underwear sets. And to have enough to last me two weeks without repeating!

I’m such a visual person and it took me a long time to realize and embrace it. Sometimes I just open the special drawer where I keep all my pretty underwear and admire them.

#3 - Spaces beside your bedroom can be themed

By now the visual theme is well established. Stimming for neurodivergent people can take on my forms through the various senses - it’s not just limited to “flapping”. Visual stimming is my biggest stim. Nothing makes me happier than staring at beauty.

My bedroom has always been my sanctuary, especially growing up. We moved 8 times my first 18 years and my mom, being the artist that she is, tried to make the transitions easier by letting us pick a new theme for our rooms every time we moved.

The rest of the house outside my bedroom never seemed to have a theme. It was the 90s-2000s and if you don’t know the aesthetic for that time period consider yourself lucky. My parents also collected things from the places we moved and the trips we had gone on, so the rest of the house looked pretty chaotic to me (especially since in my room everything had to have a place and god forbid a single pillow was out of place).

I didn’t stay long enough in my first two apartments to put any effort into them (first one was while working as a teacher in Japan and the second was when I was in grad school). But when I got my first real job and my first real apartment, that’s when I realized I could decorate however I wanted to (because I was starting from scratch).

It took some trial and error to figure out what worked for me in each of the rooms. Obviously I couldn’t spend massive amounts of money, but with a little creativity I managed to cultivate spaces that made me happy.

My kitchen is very Japanese inspired - white base with sage green accents, bamboo blond pieces, and black or white appliances. My bathroom is white with navy colored middle eastern inspired accents. My study is white, blue, yellow, and green, the focal point being from a large Ghibli Castle in the Sky mural. And my bedroom is cottagecore fairytale with a base palette of white, green, yellow, red, and dark woods.

#4 - I can collect art from my favorite artists

For the final visual theme, ART. Growing up, my mom was a freelance artist. Our home was decorated with pieces she had made herself. From osmosis, I assumed either you were rich enough to buy original pieces, you were creative enough to make your own, or your were neither and were reduced to the cheap mass produced pieces one bought at hobby stores.

I inherited my mother’s talent for art and felt I couldn’t hang up anything on my own walls unless I had made it myself. Because why by someone else’s work when I could make my own?

But this was a problem because what I made didn’t always seem good enough for me to stare at it for hours and that would just make me grumpy.

And then I discovered that a lot of my favorite digital artists had shops. And from those shops, you could order prints.

And I realized buying prints was actually a very important thing to do, because it was supporting a freelance artist, like my mom had been. And what could be better than that? Plus I got to have beautiful pieces hanging in my place for me to stare at and visually stim to.

#5 - Just because something is a name brand and expensive doesn’t mean I can’t buy it if I can afford it

For years my mother has pointed out that I have expensive taste. For some reason I tend to gravitate towards the priciest items without even knowing how expensive they are. She also has a tendency to tell me I’m terrible with money (though living on my own without going into debt for over 10 years now should have proved to her and myself that that isn’t true).

Naturally this evolved into a strange complex of me thinking I didn’t deserve to buy name brand products.

And then I discovered Torrid (which by my upbringing is a name brand), and threw caution to the wind to buy clothes that I loved despite them not being on sale (though I still waited for sales and used discounts whenever possible).

And then I heard a rumor that Mazda wasn’t going to be making the Mazda3 model that I was in love with (because so many things about it from the color to the chassis reminded me of my favorite transformer, TFP Knockout). My old car was starting to break down and I decided I had saved enough for a new car (because it seemed getting a house where I lived would never happen anyway), and I bought my brand new dream car.

I know Mazda and Torrid probably aren’t considered high end name brands by posh people, but to me they are. Because growing up my clothes came from thrift stores or Walmart or from the sales racks at Kohls. I was never allowed to buy anything new at full price. When my family got new cars, the old ones had to be dead and the new ones were purchased for their practicality, not their looks.

My parents kept a tight leash on their finances. Both came from poorer families that had to make hard decisions and be creative to get by at times. And I appreciate the money saving tips they gave me.

But this is my life, and I need to find and make my own happiness. That doesn’t mean buying whatever I want whenever I want, but it also means not denying myself little luxuries because I don’t think I deserve them.

Aging thoughts

I'm rewatching the 1975 Count of Monte Cristo and Dantes’ has just escaped the island, stating he's 33yrs. I'm not sure if I should be happy that I've done more in my life than he has or annoyed that my greatest accomplishments don't come anywhere near a jailbreak.

Why I have no sympathy for men being dumped because of the Barbie movie:

Earlier this evening I was driving on the highway to head to my writers group. I needed to change lanes to get to my exit and proceeded to do so, enjoying the scenic ride. That is until a car horn starts and continues to blast behind me.

I turn to look and a giant truck has appeared behind me (I honestly didn’t see it when I went to turn). And because the truck continued at its breakneck speed (while still blaring its horn at me, causing me to get even more flustered), I had to speed up to avoid getting rammed because another car was already coming up behind me in my original lane. But my car is little and old, and can’t go 0 to 60 in 0.3 seconds, so the truck continued to blast its horn at me the whole time I’m trying not to cause an accident.

I finally make it to my exit without crashing into anyone, but then my stomach sinks as I see the truck now riding my tail as I get off the exit. Now I’m terrified this person is going to ram me out of spite.

The exit joins up to the town road, but you have to yield to oncoming traffic, so I do. The truck then suddenly swerves out from behind me, and as they rush by, the driver and his passenger flip me off as they scream profanities that consist of female slurs (which originally were just plain old words until some man decided to make them curses because they happened to be female centered terms).

Now I’m really shaken up and am forced to drive behind them until the road splits into two. But horror of all horrors, I end up almost right next to them at a red light. I can feel them staring at me and I’m now scared out of my mind.

Thankfully, a police car with its lights and sirens on drove past us, and that seemed to cool the trucktosterones down because they peeled off into the next side street and I didn’t see them again.

All this to say, it’s probably men like these that are getting dumped because of the Barbie movie, and I’M GLAD.

My fictional crush types

While I was working on my writing, I suddenly realized my first crushes have colored all my other crushes over the years. To the point that each of my main writing projects features a love interest that is influenced by said first crushes.

So, naturally, I had to sort them out. For reference purposes.

How I make mundane interactions more entertaining in my head :3

It's Official! I'm ASD!

And I couldn't be more happy! (which according to my family, is a strange reaction to have lol)

But all my life I've felt like an outsider looking in, and when I stumbled upon Autism, it gave me something I hadn't had before - a reason why I'm the way I am.

With each new fact I learned during my research, I grew more and more excited by how well I related to the ASD community. How their stories and tips made me feel more confident in myself to just be me, without having to constantly justify my 'strange' behavior.

And then I was finally able to get an official assessment done. I was so sure there would be no doubt that I was autistic.

But then the doctor went over her initial findings with me and it sounded like I was going to be misdiagnosed.

I was scared out of my mind.

Because I had been so sure of myself, for the first time in a long time. I had essentially laid my soul bare to someone and they were invalidating my feelings. And I wasn't sure what I was going to do if I was misdiagnosed.

Thankfully, that didn't turn out to be the case! (long story short, when sending the questionnaires out to other people, make sure you 1: give them to people you're sure know you. And 2: look over their responses, just to make sure they do know you well. Because it turns out, sometimes they don't).

I'm officially on the Autism Spectrum and thrilled to be zebra instead of a malfunctioning horse!

I have not cried happy tears of relief in soooooo long!

To the late diagnosed ASD community:

How many of you were misdiagnosed the first time?

How many of you felt that your assessor wasn’t taking you seriously?

What sort of tests did they do? What sort of questions did they ask? And did they make sense in relating to ASD, especially in adult women?

What did you do after the assessment when you were told everything seems normal? And that you were just experiencing mild forms of anxiety and showed slight traces of OCD?

What do I do when I've done so much research, heard so many stories from people in the ASD community and related to them so well, used their knowledge and experience to help me get through my daily life a litter easier, only to be told by a professional that I'm not Actually Autistic?

Complaint of Online Dating Number Infinity.5

Do all women have to suffer through dudes who swipe right but then never contact said woman they swiped right on?

Or, as my growingly more pessimistic self thinks, are these dudes focusing all their time and energy on conventionally attractive women and keeping women like me (not conventionally attractive) on the sidelines because their reasoning is: “she’s plain, so she’s probably desperate, and thus, she’ll wait with bated breath for me.”

Well, guess what you sacks of dead baby birds, I AINT WAITING!

Random Autistic Problem

I hate the fact that my brain has moments of “I want to be super productive today”, but then my body gets in the way by insisting I need food even though my stomach doesn’t feel hungry.

So I’m forced to quickly find something filling that I don’t want to eat and choke it down just to get on with the things I do want to do.

Which is annoying because eating certain foods is a stim for me (like the crunch then yield of a well cooked potato wedge). And cooking those good foods takes time and I don’t have the right mindset to make them (they are their own event that I would like to enjoy at a later time when I don’t have the “productive brain” running).

But if I don’t eat something that shuts my stomach up, I can’t concentrate on anything.

WHY BRAIN WHY?!?!

What learning to accept and accommodate my autism looks like at the this very moment:

Sitting in an airport bathroom stall (not actually using the toilet) for about 15 minutes to decompress from the flight/preparing to enter the fray once more, and telling myself I have the right to sit here for as long as I need to.

I HAVE THE RIGHT STUPID NT PROGRAMING I WILL SIT HERE AS LONG AS I NEED TO AND NOT FEEL LIKE IM DOING SOMETHING WRONG BY STAYING IN A STALL THIS LONG

My Female Heroes (in no particular order)

Saint Jeanne d’Arc - respected and revered warrior and military leader in a time when women were treated like chattel, and never backed down from a fight and what she believed in to the very end. She’s my WWJD anytime I feel scared.

Shania Twain - singer/songwriter who crossed genres with music that let me know I could be tough and feminine at the same time (and glad to be a woman). If I had a soundtrack for my life, all her albums would be in it.

Rumiko Takahashi - manga artist/author with one of the longest careers in the business and wrote several stories that are the perfect blend of action, romance, fantasy, and humor. I hope that my stories are able to do the same someday.

Beatrix Potter - author/illustrator who got her literary start and romances later in life. It took her a while to find her calling and community, giving me hope and the knowledge that I don’t have to have my life worked out before I’m 36 (rom com age limit).

Things Fundamentalism Robbed Me Of:

Growing up in a radically conservative Christian household, there were a lot of things that weren’t allowed. It wasn’t until after leaving the “faith”, and then taking time to fully deconstruct things, that I realized just how negatively it affected me.

Part 1: Special Interests

I’m autistic. And part of my autism is having special interests (that I obsess over to a degree that most neurotypical people think is ridiculous). But for me, my special interests bring me such joy and excitement and pleasure in my life. A lot of the time they’re what helps me get through a tough day (and quite frankly, a tough world for me to live in).

When I discovered anime and manga, it was like cotton candy for me. The art styles, the animation techniques, the manga layouts, the characters, the vast array of generes, the easy to understand emotions portrayed - it was like this entire type of media had been designed just for me.

But one look at it, and my mom forbid me from watching and reading any of it. Because it was too “demonic” or “sexual” (EX. Inuyasha-taking major inspiration from Japanese mythology. Sailor Moon-for showing off too much skin). Basically, it wasn’t Christian, and thus, sinful.

Part 2: Body Image

Another special interest of mine is fashion/costume design. Growing up, though, it was subjected to strict guidelines. All because I had to make sure I wasn’t causing a “brother in Christ to sin”.

Which, as a person who went from children to adult sizes almost instantaneously, not to mention grew into a curvy girl, made clothes even more of a touchy subject.

All of my outfits had to be inspected by my mom to make sure they weren’t too tight or revealing or even have a print that was too suggestive, before they could be purchased.

Because of this, I was never able to feel pretty. I was never allowed to think of my body as attractive, let alone sexy.

Whenever I designed outfits or costumes in my sketchbooks - using a very curvy model as a way to feel like my body could be beautiful if given the chance - my mom would tell me to “fix” them because they were too sexualized.

Part 3: Cultural Identity

I’m a proud Latina woman. My father and his family immigrated to the USA when he was a kid. Spending time with his side of my family are some of the happiest memories I have.

But because of the radically conservative beliefs of my parents (or maybe just mostly my mom’s, since I can’t recall if my papi ever setting any of this taboos), I wasn’t allowed to celebrate Día de los Muertos.

This may seem like a small thing, like not being allowed to celebrate Halloween (which we weren’t allowed to do either, and for the same reason as Día de Muertos), but when I found out about it as an adult, I was heartbroken that such a beautiful tradition was banned because it was deemed “pagan”.

In Short:

I was robbed of so much because of fundamental christianity.

I can’t help but wonder how my life would have been different if I had been allowed to embrace major aspects of myself: my autism, my body type, my heritage.

Part of me is always going to mourn the years I lost. And I wish, more than anything, that I could go back and tell my younger self - the little girl who lived in fear and was forced to live by beliefs set by privileged white men - that one day, she would be FREE.

This hit me so hard.

As someone who is autistic.

As someone who never had a hometown.

As someone who is first generation Mexican American.

As someone who is half first generation Mexican American.

I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere or with any group. Because I wasn’t neurotypical enough. Because I hadn’t lived there long enough. Because I wasn’t American enough. Because I wasn’t Mexican enough. Because I was too different.

And finally, it hits me - I don’t “belong”. And that’s okay - great, even. Because that is my Strength.

Thank you, Xiran Jay Zhao, for writing these beautiful words. They mean more to me than I could ever express.

Perks of Working at a University

Schedules are dictated by the school year - long holidays and summer hours are shorter

Lots of free/cheap events - because they’re catering to students who have little to no money

Get to commute through and work at a pretty campus - mine is, anyway

When school is canceled, work is canceled - yay snow days!

The Major Con of Working at a University (for me)

Encountering a man that checks off so many of my “Oh, no, he’s hot” boxes - Asian medical student who plays the violin with beautiful long fingers that is wearing glasses and a suit-!!!

Only to realize he’s probably ten years younger than me.

Leaving Fundamentalism...

...was hard for me. From birth, I was raised in a radically conservative family of Christians. But even at a young age, I didn’t feel connected to the beliefs I was spoon fed in every aspect of my life. 

I was made to feel guilty for not having blind faith. I was made to feel like I was a horrible person when doctrine was explained and it still didn’t make sense. I was made to feel shame for faking ‘my beliefs’. All for the sake of obeying my parents and being accepted by the only community I was allowed to be in.

But finally, after years of pressure and self doubt, I’m finally free.

There are still things I’m working on. I still am triggered and feel sick at the thought of entering a church or when I hear Christian music. I’m still trying to push aside the anti lgbtq+ thoughts I get automatically, even though I know the only reason I was against them was because I was told I was supposed to be - and without that harmful religion dictating my thoughts, there’s no reason why I should be against them.

And while I still have a ways to go towards a life where the trauma doesn’t affect me all the time, I can see the progress I’ve made already.

When I hear someone - like my family or random person - talk about Christianity, I now feel the same level of indifference towards it that I feel towards other religions with flawed beliefs/doctrine.

Yes, every now and then I still have that sense of dread that if I don’t believe in Christ that I’m going to suffer in hell for all eternity (such a wholesome thought that stems from a religion that says its based on universal love), but for the most part, now I can remember all those Bible stories and treat them the same as Greek myths. I can respect that someone’s Christian beliefs gives them comfort, but I don’t have to agree with them to be in a relationship with them. 

Finally, I’m free to be on the outside and look in with indifference.

Favorite Sonic IDW Moments 💙🦔💨 Part 4

Favorite Sonic IDW Moments 💙🦔💨 Part 3

My all time favorite quotes of Hardison and Elliot showing support for Parker (S02E13 - the Future Job)

Tara: “He is good.”

Hardison: “He should be shot.”

Parker: “…cut off his arms. And his head. Yeah, I wanna kill him. Can we make that happen?”

Elliot: “Yeah, I can. I mean, I could…” (heavily implies murder)