Religious Trauma - Blog Posts

“if they treated islam that way instead of christianity everyone would be upset but because christianity receives that treatment nobody cares”

I've seen this mentioned many times the last couple of months and I can’t help but want to cackle every time I hear it. the reason being, I've been simultaneously raised christian and muslim pretty much since I was a born until I became a teenager and rejected both religions (it’s a long story I'll spare you the ramblings).

anyways being raised that way has left me with twice the religious trauma (neat!) and I think and hope an insightful perspective regarding this statement about how it’s super “unfair” that Islam gets treated “better” than christianity. to me christianity and islam are unsettlingly similar expect for a few major differences. the first of those differences being (you guessed it!) discrimination. the disdain, violence, exclusion, disgust and hatred that are targeted at muslims is ya know dangerous. on the other hand in the current year and place where I live there is no discrimination towards christians (if anything they most of the time do the discriminating). 

soooo criticizing, ridiculing and or rebelling against both of these religions comes with potentially very different consequences. what are some of the consequences for christianity? you’ll give people hurt by christianity comfort and or tools/motivation to break free from a religion that was probably forced upon them and some christians feewings get hurt UwU. 

for islam tho? any criticism risks being used as the ammunition used by islamophobes to discriminate and harm innocents. maybe you think I'm making too big a deal out of this point but I'd like to point to the whole “narcissistic abuse” thing and ask you if you’ve ever wondered how that has impacted folks with npd. of course I think both people who have been hurt by islam and people who have been abused by someone with a stigmatized and demonized disorder absolutely should be able criticize that which has, and those who have, hurt them. but! I also think they owe it to those folks who have to deal with the fallout to at least try to criticize and vent in a way that doesn’t just transfer your pain onto them (and further stigmatize and demonize people). 

so to the people who cry about shit like bikinis with the father, the son and the holy spirit printed on it and whine that this would never happen to islam and it’s unfair that christianity gets treated this way, I request that you cry harder and less loudly, because I assure you that your little tear puddle of righteous indignation is infinitesimal compared to the oceans of unending pain your funky little cult has caused countless innocents. 

and to wrap this incoherent mess of my opinion and my feelings up. i think people should be free to follow their own religions and I also think people who have suffered by the hand of those religions are allowed to make art, jokes, sexually explicit material and what have you about those religions to cope with their trauma. but I personally draw the line at obliviously and ignorantly using coping strategies that happen to further contribute to discrimination, stigmatization and demonization of vulnerable people. and lastly I think I should be allowed to hunt the christian god for sport and eat his bones : ) 

Just walked out of a church meeting because the adults were arguing and being passive aggressive and it was scaring me, might fuck of and never show my face again

When Marlene and Barty first heard “Love was the law, religion was taught”, they fell to their knees

hi im bee and i have immense amounts of parental trauma

nobody understands me and my internalized bullshit like miss hayley williams. keep speaking to my soul queen❤️ the entirety of the after laughter album is just my brain Idle Worship, Fake Happy, and Rose-Colored Boy specifically

Something I've realized is that the question "who hurt you?" in response to saying you're an atheist is not just very condescending but also reveals something about the person saying it.

Somewhere, in the back of their mind, they acknowledge that abusive people often use religion as a means of enabling their abuse. And, they think this is such a common occurrence that you can always assume somebody who hates religion must have been abused by it.

I spoke to god and shes a teenage girl

She’s telling me about K-pop. Was it Jennie or Jung-kook?

I don’t remember and I don’t really get it but she’s so excited so I listen.

Next she begins to show me the dance sequences. They look complicated. And she tells me all about how she and her friends are going to dance together.

I ask how long I’m going to live for.

She says, how tf should I know.

And then she starts telling me about a girl named Marie. She hates Marie. Hates the way Marie holds herself, the way Marie chews her pencils, the way Marie laughs as if she’s been kicked in the teeth. 

She hates Marie so I do too.

My hamster dies tragically as they all do. Escaped onto the road and driven over. When she finds out, she mourns.

Her cries make her body convulse, like she's giving up some part of herself. Her sobbing is so loud it rattles the braces on my teeth.

She cries over my hamster’s body for 5 days and when I bury him, she delivers a eulogy so beautiful I’m almost thankful he did die, just so I could hear her speech.

When my grandma gets cancer, I demand an answer from her. Why didn’t she tell me?

She shrugs and says everyone has their time and goes back to scrolling on tiktok.

I pass my exam with a grade so good it’s shocking for mediocre me and she congratulates me. 

At my congratulatory dinner, she makes it all about herself and says our friendship was the driving force behind my good grade.

I grab her and pull her into the bathroom, where I slap her so hard there are nail marks on her cheek. 

She looks in the mirror, peeved I ruined her lipgloss.

When my first boyfriend cheats on me, I cry so much in her arms that I think I’ve cried enough to fill the Atlantic sea.

She corrects me and tells me it’s closer to The Red Sea.

I ask if I deserved this, she doesn’t answer. I ask if there's something wrong with me, she doesn’t answer. I ask if I am unlovable, she doesn’t answer.

I ask her why she didn’t respond to my last text, she says she was busy.

One day we’re eating ice cream together on a warm summer day, her rum raisin, me elderflower and I ask her what I should do to please her.

She considers the question, humming and haaing on it. Then she tells me, go to the deepest darkest part of the ocean and bring me back one of those funny looking sea creatures.

I ask if she’s being serious and she says she always is.

When i'm dying and we see each other again, she first tells me about all my wrinkles and gray hairs and recommends a guy she knows that could help with that. 

Are we going to be together forever now, I ask? 

She wrinkles her nose at that and says no, you bring down the vibes.

This is EXTREMELY real. I would have people regularly tickle or touch me even if I told them not too. Once a teenage boy around my age essentially chased me becuase I wouldn't let him pat my shoulder and no one said or did anything.

Your wishes and autonomy aren't respected because wittness aren't allowed to be people. Just "one of Jehovah's Wittnesses"...

hate hate hate the jw greeting of physical contact. i dont want to hug 30 plus people every single meeting ugh. even worse is when youre walking past someone and they like squeeze your arm or rub your back like no!! i dont want that!! please!!

to be honest its most not about the touch (though when im already overwhelmed and stressed it doesnt help) but my lack of autonomy.

i feel like i cant say no. i feel like i have to hug everyone and i hate it so much. sure, i could refuse, but i know id be made to feel bad by the jw wanting one.

idk i just wish i could go to a meeting without getting touched for once

After everything with moving away, leaving the cult, graduating, making real friends, and being able to be openly queer... I still miss my parents so much

They treated me awful and still haven't really apologized. They're all sad I'm not in contact with them but have done nothing besides decide "I guess we should stop messaging since they asked us to". This is safer for me but God I want parents. The bond between parent and child and the security of having a guardian to rely on is a privilege ripped away from me.

I love my found family, but wish my biological ones were what I needed and deserved.

You're very right but I gotta point out something insane in this image

WHY IS THE RAINBOW FLAG UPSIDE DOWN?! IS IT SO CURSED IT CAN NOT SAFELY BE DEPICTED IN RELIGOUS MATERIAL? DO THEY OBJECT TO GOD'S PROMISE TO MANKIND THE RAINBOW ??!

at least the watchtower images are still funny

For the apostate ask game:

3. Have you gotten emotional support from friends in deconverting/deconstructing? Would you like more support? Have you found any online?

7. Do you like angels or demons?

3. Yes, I have! As I realized I no longer believed I tried to reach out to people outside of my cult to reconnect. I was very surprised about how many people were happy to hang out again, and when I told them my situation were super supportive and understanding! It was so affirming when one of them told me how brave and proud of me they were for leaving. I also found out my closest friend in the cult was also questioning shortly before I formally left. Being able to maintain our friendship and be honest about our experiences has been so nice.

While I was still with my family and PIMO I really appreciated this blog as a way to vent and see others with similar experiences. Now that I'm out of immediate danger, I'm doing a lot of trauma work in therapy. I've got a lot to work on but I think I have sufficient support for now.

7. Oh 100%. Unfortunately Jehovah's Witnesses don't have as much artistic flair with their worship, but other's religious imagery was always seen as taboo. This makes it fun now lol. I'm also very into religious studies. I think the psychology and cultural parts of religion are fascinating now that I've spent so much time dissecting my old faith.

I finally moved out and told my parents I was leaving the cult. Moving was fine i suppose but the phone conversation explaining my stance was much more emotional than I expected.

My parents aren't the type to question their beliefs so I wasn't going to put effort into explaining myself, but they kept pushing. They had preconceived notions that I was just bitter or foolish and kept poking only to have me explain how their bigotry made my life hell. My dad tried to play off the slurs and awful things he said as jokes only to have to come to terms with the fact that I grew up feeling unlovable and disgusting because of him.

Now I'm waiting for them to decide if they ever want to talk to me again. They're crushed but still miss the point. Rather than realizing "homophobia bad" they took "we did homophobia wrong". While I can't say I wanted to spill so much to them, I'm happy that they have to live with what they've done.

I want PIMOs here to know that there are "worldly people" kinder than you can imagine. Friends you'll gain that aren't conditional in their support. New experiences you never even considered, but that bring you immense joy. Parts of yourself that you'll find and can now let free.

Your life isn't over for waking up, it's about to begin.

It's really crazy to realize that, in a way covid is the best thing that ever happened to me. To be clear, the pain and death caused by the pandemic is in no way worth the small gains it circumstantially brought me but that's why it's weird to think about.

I don't know when or if I ever would have recognized the parental and spiritual abuse I was dealing with, if the pandemic didn't make it more apparent and me less busy. I might not have been able to do my internship that led to my job offer because of the distance and my then lack of a license. I wouldn't have the funds I need to move out unless my internship was virtual and interest was paused on federal student debt. I might have been too scared to leave those I knew in the cult, but because of lack of in person events I was able to mostly distance myself.

Even now it can suck ass. I'm stuck with these abusers nearly 24/7 and can't see anyone who actually cares for me. I'm terrified about getting Covid and increasingly disgusted by the lack of government response. So knowing how all this awful stuff has helped me, and also other people in groups like this brings me a small comfort. It will never be a fair trade but it's something positive.

The amount of times I decided religous trauma related breakdowns/nightmares were "a sign from God" is honestly crazy. How can you connect that you are miserable because of the cult but not reach the conclusion "I should leave".

I find it increasingly difficult to put effort into convincing people I'm still a believer.

It used to be a normal and subconscious process for me. You just say what you know you're supposed to and that's the way you will always be. It was casual survival. Now, I'm outgrowing this persona. I feel more and more like an individual who can actively have their own thoughts without guilt, and then having to turn around and restrict that hurts. I spend so much of my time having to listen to their drivel and act like I agree, despite the now obvious logical fallacies and bigotry.

I don't know how much longer I can even let the mask i show my family "be molded by Jehovah".

The way I've seen abuse normalized as a Jehovah's Wittness is appaling. I know so many people, including some in my family, who are stuck with abusive partners under threat of excommunication or "sinning against god". Few victims ever leave and those who find out about the situation often praise the victim for putting god first by staying.

On the other hand children are told their value exists in being fully obedient to their parents to please god. You are explicitly told that even if the parent is wrong or listening to them upsets you, it doesn't matter. Yet, they're surprised when abusers flourish.

Members can't acknowledge this because their relationship with the organization is the same. You do everything you're told, often in your worst interest, and you can't leave.

reblog if you’re a member of the religious trauma gang

CW: Religious Abuse

Hey, it's my time to vent to the void called the internet. So I'm a pimo exjw and it sucks. Only recently did I realize I was in a cult but now I just feel stuck. I am forced to feign faith, hide my activities, and process alone. If I don't I will be shunned and possibly kicked out with no support.

The cult raised me with the idea that obedience was my whole worth, so my mom found me and the rest of my family easy to abuse. I can't stand having to pretend to worship the god that wanted me to let her hurt me. Even after I set boundries and shook up the status quo, my father let's her hurt him because he knows he will never be able to divorce her and wants to fix her.

I also get torn up when I think about how much being queer in that environment fucked with me. I wanted so bad to be 'normal', and tried to 'fix' myself. I was told your environment and bad habits make you lgbt and that it would probably be a phase. But then time based while I tried to be as perfect as possible. It wouldn't change. I told my parents thinking it would be a phase, who despite saying 'only acting on your feelings is bad', told me to keep it secret to avoid harrassment from other people in the cult. I was regularly exposed to anti-LGBT rhetoric and hate speech from the people closest to me.

Despite all this I wanted so bad to be good for my parents. I cringe thinking of all the things I did in that aim. Who I treated unfairly or had to abandon because they were "bad association". My experience is by no means the worst you will hear, but its telling. I've been taking a lot of comfort in the exjw community and hope this can at least validate someone else.

Cant Access LGBTQ+ helplines

in South Africa

So recently I've heard about the Trevor Project that is apparently a helpline for LGBTQ+ youth and as a closeted Bisexual with struggles in mental health and a family that are heavily conservative I tried their texting options only to find out it isn't available to use in my country (⁠´⁠;⁠︵⁠;⁠`⁠)

Every time I sit down to eat I have this impulse to pray to my lost God. An habit of years ago, that shocks me. It will always be there, in the small things where I used to find him.

As someone who grew up in a southern Baptist household who has recently deconstructed, writing smut has been healing for me. I was never allowed to view these things as normal or okay. Sex was not just taboo, it was sinful, disgusting, and wrong, especially if you were a woman. I was told as a teen, in leue of a sex talk, that sex was not meant to be pleasurable for women. That sex was for procreating and for the pleasures of men. That women who enjoyed and expressed their sexualities were used up and worthless due to throwing away their virtues.

Sex is a very normal part of life because we are animals. It's okay. You aren't gross for being interested in it and there's nothing wrong with it existing in literature.

Enjoy writing smut.

Enjoy reading it.

If you've always wanted to try it but are feeling as though it's wrong or dirty somehow, go for it.

i love writing porn and i wont feel bad about it. understanding the eroticism of a character is character analysis if u are enlightened.

If you're not making your Christian parents vaguely uncomfortable with your characterization of god in your poetry, are you even doing it right??

i would waste every wish in my life on you if i knew they would come true.

this is not faith but it can be if you want it to be

I stopped being a Christian right around 2 years ago. And I can't truly express the rage I feel when I go to church now. To think about all the things that that church did and said and preached to me since I was THREE! Telling me that I was disgusting and sinful and unlovable just for being born. How all the good things I have done are as worthless as dirty rags, but if I'm not good the god that loves me SO MUCH will send me to be tortured for all eternity. And my father being praised for being abusive because "spare the rod spoil the child". And when I told the pastor's wife that my dad had hit me with a shovel she asked me what I had done to deserve it. When I got the courage to tell another pastor that my boyfriend SA'd me multiple times he shamed me and explained that men have weakness that women can't understand and that sometimes they just can't resist the temptation. And when we broke up the pastor told me no man would ever be able to put up with me and MY sexual transgressions. 4 of the men that went to that church have either harassed or SA'D me. And to this day they are all welcomed into that building with open arms and I'm insulted and shamed every time I come.

To them I will never be anything but broken.

I have to go to my childhood church today...

Heres to balling my eyes out later 😜✌️

Just saying, Stevenson is 100% projecting his guilt on his very liberal views (for the time) and finding a way to cope with the religious trauma of how he was raised and disappointing his father.

He’s making the personification of Edward Hyde devilish to show that he feels he is a monster who disappointed his father. Even tho he doesn’t want to care about what his father feels.

Also just saying Hyde writes with his left hand which was seen as a sign of the devil during this time

I’ve been reading a lot of 19th century literature ever since Nosferatu(2024) came out and I’ve gotten to The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson

But as I’m reading this, I don’t think Edward Hyde existed at all

From how Dr. Jekyll writes this account he seems to be fully in control and observant as opposed to a passenger in his own body

The only different is this drug he is taking is freeing him from religious inhibition. (the Calvinistic belief that you must deprive yourself of pleasure because it’s sinful.) but because the drug makes him look younger, he’s using it as an excuse to personify the “sinful” urges he has and rid his conscious of blame

Tumblr is now going to be my outlet for talking about books

I’ve been reading a lot of 19th century literature ever since Nosferatu(2024) came out and I’ve gotten to The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson

But as I’m reading this, I don’t think Edward Hyde existed at all

From how Dr. Jekyll writes this account he seems to be fully in control and observant as opposed to a passenger in his own body

The only different is this drug he is taking is freeing him from religious inhibition. (the Calvinistic belief that you must deprive yourself of pleasure because it’s sinful.) but because the drug makes him look younger, he’s using it as an excuse to personify the “sinful” urges he has and rid his conscious of blame

Tumblr is now going to be my outlet for talking about books