Less Jason Todd Body Horror Being Attributed To The Pit And More Because He’s A Cosmic Mistake Whose

Humpty Dumpty slander

Price doing those embarrassingly gritty, try-hard ThruDark adverts for a bit of extra cash, which is all fine because most of it is faceless with voice overs, and then he happens to do the Price Toe Bounce™ at the end of one, and Ghost is in his office the next morning after it appears on his Instagram feed.

He places his phone down before his captain, hands flat on the desk, staring at Price as he watches the advert. With the exclusion of Laswell and Nikolai, no other man alive would spot the flicker over Price's face as he realises he's been made. Ghost smirks beneath his bally when he sees it.

"What'll it take?" Price asks, opening negotiations.

"Bottle of bourbon, wearin' Man City colours next game day and first dibs on the next kit haul."

"Ask me for a sexual favour, be less humiliatin'."

"Well, I can always send this t' Johnny, whole base'll have it by evenin' debrief."

"Fine, terms agreed. Out."

Ghost picks up his phone and hesitates. "That sexual favour still on th--?"

"Get the fuck out my office, lieutenant."

"Sir."

Very few people get to hear genuine amusement in Simon's voice. Price is one of those few.

what happens if Batman is out driving the Batmobile and he gets pulled over & asked for his license

Soldier: Calling our allies by their legal names!

---

Soldier: Hey, Farah

Farah: *turns and stares at him*

Farah: Do I know you?

Soldier: ... no

Farah: Oh good, I was afraid I had forgotten another name

Soldier: Oh-

---

Soldier: hey Alex-

Alex: What?

Soldier:

Alex: ... you said my name like you had a question? What was it??

Soldier: I didn't have a question

Alex: ... wasting my time- *leaves*

Soldier: ... Hey Alex-

Alex, immediately: Yea?

Soldier: *snorts*

Alex: AHH-

---

Soldier: Sup, Phil

Graves: Ex-fucking-cuse me?

Soldier: I-

Graves: Nah- You don't have that privilege

Shadow passing by: Hey Phil

Graves: Sup

Soldier:

---

Soldier: Hey [redacted]

Soldier: *immediately tackled by Chimera soldiers*

Nik: ... they won't notice you're gone

i watched an animation with this audio but monty was the one who speak spanish, i thought that it'll look better with El Chip instead of Monty cause he's mexican

Dick: So yeah, it really pisses Jason off, which is my main motivation, -- but I did sign Bruce up for Tinder

The JL in literal seconds:

The Watchtower Office

Bruce Wayne/Batman : Jordan you’re going to have to stay late again. You misfiled your case from this week. If it’s not properly filed, it can’t properly be compensated by the government.

Hal: what? No it’s Friday!

Bruce: file it correctly next time. Also Monday we’re having a safety drill at 7 am sharp

Hal: for what?

Bruce: Uhh *checks clipboard* tornadoes *walks off*

Hal: why? We literally have a member who’s powers are tornadoes!

—————————

Barry: I hate staff meetings. That’s why I always volunteer to clean the office kitchen to avoid them. But sometimes, I wonder if I need hazard pay. Some of this stuff is literally glowing and if I didn’t have super speed, J’Onn’s lunch would have actually exploded in my face. It might be radioactive. The fridge is haunted.

————————

Clark: and that’s why I can’t miss Haybale day in Smallville. It’s a Kent family tradition. It’s also when we propagate turnips.

Bruce: *sigh* how many holidays can smallville have?

Clark: 43. Not counting loamy soil week.

—————————

Diana: I finally left Bruce take me on a date. He solved 3 murders.

—————————

Bruce: I went on a mission with Diana. She’s very affectionate to teammates. I’ll add that to her file. But the mission was a success and we closed 3 cases in one evening.

————————

Kyle Rayner/ Green Lantern: I caught Aquaman eating salt straight from the shaker at 3 am. He then went for jog. Is that an Atlantean thing?

—————————

Clark: Bruce talks about professionalism but yesterday he flipped me off under his cape so…

Clark: actually I just realized that was one of his kids.

Clark: under the cape….

———————

Oliver Queen/ Green Arrow: I’m in love with Dinah but how do I even ask her out?

Hal: just do it. Go out with me?

Oliver: *very loud across the office* DINAH, GO OUT WITH ME?

————————

Diana: I would never tell Bruce but he got the flu once and Nightwing took over for a whole week and honestly it was nice. We did mani-pedis after missions.

———————

J’Onn J’Onns/ Martian Manhunter: I think I understand the human mating patterns. The 4th season of 90 day fiancé is quite enlightening.

————————

Bring your kid to work day

Tim Drake/Robin: I’ve come to a hypothesis. I am in love with Superboy. But not Superman. Thus, I must be attracted to his Lex Luthor genes

(At same time)

Superman: hu

Batman: no

Kon Kent/Superboy: can we circle back to the love thing?

———————

———————

Another bring your kid to work day

Damian Wayne/ Robin: I have studied the patterns of Superman and Batman and have come to a conclusion that there is a sexual attraction between bat people and kryptonians. As you can see in this chart. Bruce and Clark, Jason and Kara, Tim and Kon, and…

Jon Kent/ Superboy: I will pay you to keep speaking

Bruce: I deny those allegations

Damian: denied. Too much substantiative proof

Hal: I thought this meeting was on safety

Barry: agreed. But now I’m invested and want to see how it turns out.

Hal: same

————————

Jason Todd/Red Hood/Former Robin: as you can see in this chart, villains use swear words at a much higher percentage than heroes. In conclusion, I must be a villain.

Bruce: and that’s the last presentation for bring your kid to work day. Thank you

—————————

Unnamed justice league personnel: *bored tone* this is a sexual harassment seminar to educate you on types and prevention. Sexual harassment stops with your help.

Clark: this feels pretty targeted

J’Onn: I agree. I don’t even desire humans.

Bruce: you both can look through peoples clothes and I don’t like it

Clark: it was an x Ray of your ribs!

Jason's reaction to coming back from the dead after dying around 2015 and coming back in 2019 or even 2020 (Tim is about 20 and Jason is about 3 years older so Jason was born in 2000)

Jason: So what did I miss when I was... you know...

Damian: Unalive?

Jason: Come again?

Damian: We can't say the d-word anymore.

Jason: Okay... what else happened between 2016 and now?

Damian: David Bowie, Brexit vote, Pokémon, phones explode.

Barbara: Women marching, global warming, Russian hacking probe.

Harper: Venezuela, Stormy Daniels, Thanos dusting, Meghan Markle.

Duke: Hong Kong protests, Miles Morales, black hole photo.

Jason: Wait slow down—

Cullen: Parasite, quarantine, murder hornets, Cas and Dean.

Tim: Bitcoin, war in Ukraine, riot at the Capitol.

Cass: Algorithms, HRT, England lost their old queen.

Dick: Barbenheimer, free Palestine—hold on Jason, that’s not all!

Jason: *cocking his gun and leaving*

Everyone:

Steph: We didn’t start the fire.

Ask: The 27th of April, Part 2

[Warehouse by Gotham Harbor, Gotham City, 1745 H]

Red Hood: *taps his foot impatiently while he checks his watch for the nth time* Come on, come on, come on. Make the drop, you guys. 

Red Hood: *sighs in frustration as he disassembles and reassembles his pistol in 15 seconds flat for the nth time* Let’s get it over with. 

Red Hood: *peeks from behind a stack of crates for the nth time* I don’t have all day. I promised Alfred I’d make it to dinner on time –

Red Hood: *stares at his ringing phone with narrowed eyes*

Red Hood: *picks it up* Roman.

Black Mask [on the phone]: *chuckling* Jason, my dear boy! How’ve you been? You look healthy. Very much alive, even.

Red Hood: *spots the tiny, hidden camera attached to a steel beam above him (How in the world did he miss that?) and cocks both his guns* Where are your men, ugly face?

Black Mask: Don’t you speak to me that way, you little rat! Before I make you a very D-E-A-… Hm. Forget I said that.

Red Hood: What?

Black Mask: The point is you’ve wasted your time waiting for nothing. So get lost!

Red Hood: Don’t lie to me! I’ve been tracking your every move for weeks and this warehouse reeks of your poisonous, criminal stench – 

Black Mask: *lets out a drawn-out sigh* Listen, just go home, kid. The carnage you were looking forward to today? Newsflash: It ain’t happening!

Red Hood: You don’t tell me what to do, you sick son of a –

Black Mask: I tell you what: You go home tonight – and I mean home – I’ll forward you the coordinates of every illegal shipment to and from Janus Cosmetics within a hundred mile radius. You can blow it all up for all I care. Deal?

Red Hood: And if you don’t? If you lie to me?

Black Mask: *growling* You’ll find them anyway, you always do!

Red Hood: Why?

Black Mask: Hm?

Red Hood: Why?

Black Mask: *plays a vinyl record in the background, sounding more relaxed* Because there are better days to dance our tango, Jason… Da-rum, da-rum, da-rum da-ra… 

Red Hood: … 

Red Hood: Did Batman put you up to this?

Black Mask: *crumpling a piece of paper near the phone speaker* You’re breaking up! *click*

>>> *** <<<

[Safe house, undisclosed location, 1815 H]

Red Hood: *fumbling as he enters the wrong passcode to the steel door for the third time in a row* Crap! Crap! Crap! I’m gonna be late!

Lock: Password incorrect. Initializing Code Red Protocol in three, two, o–

Red Hood: Override the stupid passcode! Activate voice recognition!

Lock: Activating voice recognition –

Red Hood: The Handsome Robin! The Handsome Robin!

Lock: Welcome, Jason Todd. Opening door n–

Red Hood: Hello, Safe House! *squeezes himself in the still-narrow space, then trips over his weapons, armor, and garments as he hurriedly strips himself of them en route to the bathroom*

Red Hood: *abruptly stops in his tracks* What the fuuhhh…

Red Hood: *watches as bubbly, green fluid oozes out of his bathtub* 

Red Hood: *picks up the rolled piece of parchment beside his Batshampoo, unties the ribbon around it, and spreads it open*

Note: “In case you needed more. [signed] The Demon’s Head”

>>> *** <<<

[Crime Alley, 1903 H]

Red Hood: *groans as he realizes that his motorcycle just ran out of fuel* Seriously? 

Harley Quinn: *rollerblading into view* Hey, Baby J! Need a lift? *holds up an extra pair of roller blades*

Red Hood: Yeahhhh no.

Harley Quinn: Come on! It’ll be fun! And I promise I won’t bite cha. *winks*

Red Hood: Oh, what the heck. *grabs the roller blades* So you really just carry around an extra pair of blades, huh? *proceeds to put his on*

Harley Quinn: Nope! But I’ve had this with me for a while now. *takes out a tiny package from the pocket of her shorts and hands it to Jason*

Red Hood: *examines it* Hm.

Harley Quinn: It ain’t poisoned or nothin’! Pinky swear! *holds out her pinky*

Red Hood: *frowning* What is it?

Harley Quinn: *claps her hands excitedly* Open it! Open it!

Red Hood: *gingerly unfolds the bubble gum wrapper and holds up its minuscule content* … A tiny crowbar?

Harley Quinn: Yes! You can open envelopes with it! Stir coffee with it! Hit tiny Mistah J’s on the noggin’ with it –

Red Hood: *chuckles and puts the gift in his jacket pocket* Okay, okay, I get it. Thanks, I guess.

Harley Quinn: *holds her hand out to Jason* Come on! You’re gonna be late! Alfie ain’t gonna be happy!

Red Hood: …

Red Hood: Did Batman put you up to this?

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ 

And Jason’s confusion continues, @wingedskyes​ .

See: Part 1, Part 3

Some Kansan things I think Clark and the other supers from Kansas would say or do, by a Kansan:

Yee Yee: an exclamation said before one does something exciting, such as hunting, fishing, or shotgunning

Ope let me squeeze right on past ya there, sorry

Yeehaw: definitely said while flying around.

Have overly weird "salads". I don't even know how or why they are classified as salads, but that's what we call them. (Smth like lime jello salad)

Clark as a teen has definitely tried weed. There is jack fucking shit to do in KS but fight and do drugs (in gas station parking lots). That's how he knows drugs don't work on him. He tried them.

Aldis.

Brooding in fields.

Trader Joe's!

They all know way too much about different types of grass. Just going to school in Kansas does that to ya.

*grabs wild animal* this here is a friendly lil guy, innhe? *animal is biting, hissing, and spitting*

Yes to the overly politeness, even if they don't like someone. But if they don't like someone, it's passive aggressive. So, so passive aggressive.

That's all I can think of for now. There are probably more.