Personal Writing - Blog Posts

Okay, so in light of recent events regarding the loss of my job. I've come to a decision. I'm going to start focusing on original content. Instead of just fanart.

Now, this doesn't mean I'm gonna stop fanart altogether. I still love drawing my favourite characters. And my fav franchises, but ultimately, I wanna self-publish my own comic book and maybe make a living of it.

I have two stories I'm working on.

One is called:

"Returning to our Roots," a cyberpunk furry story following Debbie, a goth albino rabbit girl, trying to survive an increasingly hostile world. She's trying to keep her friends and herself safe from a local string of dissappearances. But everything comes to a head when a secret of the world is revealed that will shatter what anyone; corpo, anthro, or human knew about all they hold dear.

The other:

"Purgatory has a queen." An origin and life story of my demonsona and their quest not to rule all of hell or raze hevean. But rather carving herself her own little demented paradise in the Void.

I'll try to keep everyone updated on the projects. When the first few pages for either are ready, I'll post them here. Eventually, I'll try to get a patreon or Ko-fi going so you guys can support. But for now. This is just the awareness post.

Also, P.S. @moociaoafterdark My friend, i'm sorry to @ u, but I don't know if you will see this otherwise. Only because I'm not putting Warhammer40k in the tags.

Daily reminder to myself that:

I don't need to write for anyone but myself.

My personal writing has no deadlines. I'm not falling behind anyone, because I'm not in competition.

There is nothing to prove.

Originality is not the end-all be-all. If someone else has explored the same idea as you before, that doesn't make my version any less valuable or meaningful.

I can write what I want.

There is no reason to hold back anything on the page. No reason for shame or hiding or preemptive self-judgement. I have no audience unless I choose to let them in.

The "quality" of my work does not determine my value as an artist or a person.

I don't need to write like anyone else

Not everyone will understand and that's okay.

IT DOESN"T NEED TO BE PERFECT

Or even "complete"

In fact, let go of the idea of perfection entirely.

Writing should be for joy, growth, and expression.

Sincere question to any other writers: what's some advice you have about not comparing yourself to other writers? I've kind of just written in my own bubble for most of my life and a lot of my work has never seen the light of day because I'm still in the phase of my journey where the idea of sharing my writing makes me incredibly anxious. Being on this site and seeing how many other people are writing such good stuff, especially in the same fandoms as me, makes that feeling worse. I guess I'm afraid of not being good enough, original enough, or creative enough to "keep up" with other people and make something worthwhile. And that makes me not want to write, and I hate that feeling. This is just something I really want to work on within myself, because it can be overwhelming, and is holding me back a lot.

Just a personal post, with a dash of Astarion because this is my life now

So I've gone my whole life denying myself writing fanfiction (despite being a writer since forever) because of the powerful internalized autistic fear of being "cringe". But after playing BG3 I just can't do it anymore. Astarion as a character just inspires me too much and I have so many scenes I want to write that in my mind, its criminal weren't included in the game. Honestly, once I gave myself that permission, I've written more this past month than I had in the past six months of my original story. It's been so fun and rewarding and has taught me a lot about what mental hang-ups I still have as a writer, even when it comes to work I know I'll never share. I'm basically just novelizing the story of my Tav and Astarion now, and it's so much fun. I'm sure a lot of my ideas have been done a million other times by other people, but this is my version, and I'm reminding myself that there's value in that. I'm still learning that it's okay to be self-indulgent and "cringe" sometimes. I just want to see the characters I love be happy and get the treatment they deserve, even if I have to write it myself. I'm being creative and it makes me happy, so maybe that's what matters? It's freaking me out now to even post this, but I'm really trying to learn how to express myself honestly again after so long masking and being so concerned with appeasing others. The fear of judgement or "doing something wrong" is hard to get over. Maybe someone else relates.

I used to write about people around me. In Bahasa, of course. Here are they. The next one is in progress so please wait if you will.

Anda, The Series (1) | (2) | (3) | (4)

“Maybe in a perfect world. But the world wasn’t perfect it was cruel. And maybe that’s why he left; someone so perfect can’t survive in a cruel world.”

- my novel

The Unfulfilled Relationship Between Me and Pitiable Birds

When I first saw a broken little bird by the side of the road

Abandoned, hurt, alone in the world

Of course I felt pity, that’s only natural

So I decided to take that poor lost chick in

I’d be the one who’d save it

When no one else in the world would

I raised that chick

Fed it, cared for it, guided it through life

I gave love to that chick

If that little bird pecks me

I know it doesn’t mean it

But it still hurts

It can’t help it

Since it has never known how to be loved

It is only natural

The pain is worth it

For it is nothing

Compared to the pain that chick has known

It is worth it

And I know the chick is grateful

For all my efforts

The little bird sometimes 

Shows me love too

But really, an Ave’s love is incompatible with me

A bird cannot give me anything

A bird cannot understand me

A bird’s song is devoid of meaning to my ears

But I am the one who must care for you

For, there is no one else 

In the entire world who would

And I know you know this

And I know you are grateful to me

I know you love me

And if one day you can sing a love song to the whole world

That should be enough.

But

The world is not ready for you

You are not ready for the world

The beasts out there will tear you apart

You know this, you know

The other animals are cruel

I am the only one who will be kind to you

You do know that, right?

You are nothing without me

A lost bird who can’t possibly survive

Without me guiding you

What do I want from you?

Something you can’t give me

But a “thank you for saving me” will do

Your Gratitude

Your Devotion

Your Love

My struggle is all worth it

In the end

Because I am the one who saved you.

...Ah, I see. We are both such innocent sinners.

As you grow

Surely you must become restless

In this gilded cage that you flew into and I locked

For you need freedom

But I sought to bind you

With caring and loving words

I stifled your tune

The same tune that I had worked to convince you

Was beautiful

I gave myself

Meaning, purpose, reason

Because you were not enough

At the end of the day

An Ave’s love is incompatible with me

Perhaps all I really wanted

Was for you to be able to go and sing your song

To those who can appreciate it

But I was never a selfless person either.

I won’t pretend my wishes were ever pure

Certainly not as pure as you

But even so, I wish you nothing but happiness in the future.

Please, go and sing a song of love to the whole world.

Personal Writing - "Other Life"

I reach out my hand to grasp something ethereal

My body disappears and I am flying in the sky 

I am in a dream

I open my eyes and feel your happiness

Though I must eventually fall back to earth

I will fly away again soon

If I want to forget everything at once

I close my eyes

I reach out

I fall towards the sun

I melt into the sky

My face copies your smile

I can only see color in your sky

It explodes and swirls around me

And gently whispers secrets only to me

And when the sun is setting

I will reflect your tear-filled eyes

I feel and see so vividly

Everything else seems pale and bleak

I realize this is the most alive I’ve ever been

Cycling through joy, grief, and rage

And starbursts of color surrounding me

Am I flying or sinking?

I only know I never want to come back to earth.

a piece of personal writing, poem that is not really a poem. prose? i don't know technical definitions. tentatively named "one taste is all it takes".

The curtains are drawn

The window has been tightly latched

The lock, tightly chained

No, no, it was a forbidden door

No, no, the key has been thrown away

In darkness, the child slumbers

There is something ancient she is unaware of

No, no, you must not think of it

No, no, you must not speak its name

At bedtime, yes, close your eyes

Follow this precisely

You will not be found

Yes, yes, listen to me

Yes, yes, do exactly as I say

As your footsteps echo on the stairwell

Did you feel it stir?

Tread carefully

So as not to wake it

Step in all the right places, and it will not hear you

But if it smells your fear it will all be over

No, no, you must not fear it

No, no, you must not give it form

One step, two steps, do not be careless

Three steps, four steps, do not trip up

One mistake is all it takes

No, no, it is a forbidden movement

No, no, it is a forbidden thought

Take one step forward and fall back three

You flail and struggle to grasp on to something, anything

But you blink just once and everything has disappeared

Yes, yes, goodbye to your innocence

Yes, yes, goodbye to the things you love

All paths lead here

It is unavoidable

No matter how you hide you will find yourself at this door eventually

No, no, do not let it smell you

No, no, do not let it taste you

You try to hide

But there is nowhere to go

There is nothing to be afraid of. There is nothing to be afraid of. There is nothing to be afraid of. There is nothing to be afraid of. There is nothing to be afraid of. There is nothing to be afraid of

But you are afraid

And it is awake.