the rules of mess, by lila kane
1. there must be no fewer than six items crowding your coffee table. at least two must be either:
a) an open packet
b) a hand cream or lip balm
c) any writing utensil
d) your phone, keys, or wallet
2. all laundry baskets must return to their natural state of overflow within ten business days of being emptied.
3. rubbish bins may only be emptied once no amount of tamping down will allow the lid to close.
4. forgotten miscellaneous items must collect themselves beneath beds, sofas, and cabinets.
5. dust may be permitted to accrue in all spaces containing knickknacks or trinkets. it may only be removed on a whim, or when the space is about to be used or observed by outsiders.
6. all neatly folded linens and towels must return to a haphazard state within twenty business days of straightening up.
7. cosmetics and personal care items may not remain in their assigned spaces for more than two uses, especially if you’re running late.
8. no more than fifty percent of books in the house may be read. at least four must be started then abandoned. at least five must remain free from shelving at any given time.
9. sheets may only be washed if:
a) bodily substances (such as blood or semen), or drinks like coffee, tea, or hot chocolate, have been spilled
b) you’re expecting an overnight guest
c) you can’t remember the last time they were washed, and the mood strikes to wash them
10. an excess of blankets and pillows must be present in at least two rooms. they may not remain aesthetically arranged for more than five business days.